Archive for the ‘Panhandling’ Category

You Can’t Wear That Kind Of Silk As­cot and Not Be at Least Bi

Hobo to girl who just gave him a two-dol­lar bill: Would you look at that, two dol­lars! Thomas Jef­fer­son is on this bill. He was a queen. That’s right, he was a gay old fag­got.
(girl walks away very quick­ly) Do you want to help me and Thomas Jef­fer­son go to Hawaii? That’s right! Hawai-ii­i­i­i­ii!

–13th & 6th

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Strike Hard and Fade Away With­out a Trace

Un­der­grad: Nin­jas, see. You can’t creep up on them. You can’t creep up on them be­cause ac­tu­al­ly they’re creep­ing up on you. And the per­son you’re creep­ing up on is ac­tu­al­ly a men­di­cant.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: pump­kin

Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Stat­en Is­land. It’s like the nin­ja is­land.

–Notre Dame Acad­e­my, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Green Star

Young la­dy suit on cell: Want to know what I learned to­day? Okay, you know how I re­al­ly hate those rolling brief­cas­es be­cause they fuck­ing nin­ja you while you’re walk­ing? Well, to­day I learned that it’s re­al­ly hard to be an­gry about a rolling brief­case when it’s be­ing pulled by a gen­uine midget. It’s like watch­ing a pony pull a cart. It’s adorable!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: she was­n’t too tall her­self…

Geeky girl: They should re­al­ly make a video game about a nin­ja do­ing the dish­es. That shit would be dope.

–Flat­iron Dis­trict

Blow It Out Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks odd­ly: Lis­ten girl, I fart­ed so hard yes­ter­day I blast­ed half my ass off. (pause) No, se­ri­ous­ly! I am still walk­ing fun­ny!

–24th St b/w 6th & 7th

Over­heard by: Joseph

Teenage boy to an­oth­er: One time this hot bitch fart­ed on my lap, and I did­n’t know what to do.

–12th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Crazy hobo sit­ting on blan­ket: I used to wear un­der­wear, but then I fart­ed and left a stain, so de­cid­ed no more. Can any­one spare any change?

–87th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ny­nan­ny

Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I’m a South­ern girl. I fart craw­fish.

–McLean Ave, Yonkers

Woman on phone: Well, the ro­mance is out of my life: this morn­ing Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and fart­ed.

–Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: craig hunter

Wednes­day Still Re­mem­ber When You Could One-Lin­er in Bars

Young hip­ster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cig­a­rette from you?

–Prince St

Over­heard by: Kris­ten W.

Flight at­ten­dant on PA: We’d like to re­mind you that this is a non-smok­ing ser­vice to Lon­don, but pas­sen­gers are per­mit­ted to smoke out­side the cab­in at any point dur­ing the flight.

–British Air­ways Flight to Heathrow

Crazy man: Smok­ing leads di­rect­ly to pros­ti­tu­tion!

–66th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: volup­tuous­grl

Dude: I’ve been smok­ing since I came out of my mom’s cooch.

–Hop Scotch Cafe

Woman with raspy voice: Man, cig­a­rettes are so ex­pen­sive now. When I start­ed smok­ing, it was on­ly a $1.25 a pack. Un­less I bought them off my mom, she on­ly charged 75 cents a pack.

–4 Train, Union Square

Over­heard by: Chris­tine

Mom to sev­en-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cig­a­rette. (looks around ner­vous­ly at oth­er au­di­ence mem­bers) Well, not that you smoke.

–In­ter­mis­sion, Rent

And No One Got the “Nor­we­gian” Joke

20-some­thing guy, hold­ing long wood­en board: Hey, can you spare some change for me and my wood to get a hook­er?
Blonde par­ty girl pass­ing by, rub­bing wood in sex­u­al way: Oh, I like your wood…
20-some­thing guy: Oh, thank you. (to girl sit­ting next to him) You’d think some­one would give me mon­ey just for mak­ing them laugh, but no.

–St. Mark’s b/w 2nd & 3rd

Over­heard by: TR

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Would Like to Thank the Acad­e­my

Sassy eight-year-old to moth­er: You don’t know Span­ish ex­cept what you learned from Se­le­na.

–2 Train

Chick on cell: Watch­ing 27 Dress­es in a chee­tah robe…

–110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Vir­ginia

Lit­tle boy, as his moth­er asks for di­rec­tions: Great, we’re lost in New York City. It’s like Home Alone!

–Across from Spa­malot The­atre

Fag to hag: Don’t you re­mem­ber that time on Ti­tan­ic when Leonar­do Di­Caprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your mo­ment. Spit, woman, spit!

–Nat­ur­al His­to­ry Mu­se­um

(at a screen­ing of The Shin­ing)
Woman: Ha­ha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!

–Em­pire-Ful­ton Fer­ry State Park

Thug to an­oth­er: And she said she wan­na go to the movies. And I said I don’t wan­na go to the movies, I want some pussy!

–57th & 9th

Over­heard by: JPM

Pan­han­dler on train: Please, I can’t af­ford the rent at the YM­CA be­cause they just raised it. So if any­one has some mon­ey or some food or some­thing to drink, it would re­al­ly help me out. Je­sus loves peo­ple who help poor peo­ple. Al­so, don’t for­get to see the new sum­mer block­buster Hell­boy II. It’s re­al­ly great.

–F Train

Over­heard by: JB

What Good Is Mon­ey If It Can’t In­su­late Me from Oth­er Peo­ple?

Hobo: I have not eat­en any­thing in three days and it’s freez­ing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won’t give you mon­ey, but I will go in­to that deli and buy you din­ner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I’m Jew­ish and if you don’t mind, I would re­al­ly like a kosher sand­wich from Mendy’s.
Chick: Oh, for­get it — here’s five bucks!

–34th & Park