Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a the­o­ry: they just throw the horse­shit over the wall.

–Cen­tral Park South

Over­heard by: mar­ijke

Jew­ish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amaz­ing this chair is. It gives great lum­bar sup­port. You will be jeal­ous and then you will poop from jeal­ousy… But you bet­ter not poop on my chair.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Woman on cell: Hon­ey, but they were poop­ing all over the deck and hit­ting each oth­er with shov­els!

–West Vil­lage

NYU stu­dent to moth­er: You can’t re­al­ly get a good din­ner in this town for un­der ten dollars…well, you can…but you’ll just poop it out lat­er.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(moth­er no­tices tod­dler’s soiled di­a­per, says some­thing to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Tod­dler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaai­it, can I walk, so my poop does­n’t get squashed?

–Bed­ford & 5th

20-some­thing guy to friend: You need fe­ces? I can pro­vide!

–Broad­way & 12th

Over­heard by: eli­jah

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call It “Ex­treme Shar­ing”

20-some­thing hip­ster to friend, punch­ing him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Face­book sta­tus!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Ca­ble man to an­oth­er, stand­ing in line at Wendy’s: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was go­ing to rob the place, so I came here in­stead.

–Flat­bush & Ocean Park­way, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: An­na

Crazy la­dy to pi­geon: Get out­ta here! You ain’t gonna get none if you beg. You got­ta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in oth­er di­rec­tion) That’s why you ain’t get none. (a few min­utes lat­er, she gets up to leave) Al­right. It’s been re­al. Thank for not steal­ing my pota­to chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag with­out ask­ing, you’re steal­ing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Up­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: This girl from NY

So There’s No Rea­son to Con­tin­ue Hold­ing in This Fart

Old Asian la­dy to black man, in thick ac­cent: You stay back! (clutch­es her purse)
(white girl watch­ing shakes head, laughs in dis­be­lief)
Black man: Oh, like you know what’s up, white girl.
White girl: Oh, I’m Jew­ish. She prob­a­bly hates me, too. (pause, then sad­ly) Now the whole train prob­a­bly hates me.

–1 Train

Six Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Un­der

Girl on phone: Did he ac­tu­al­ly try to kill you, or is this like the time at the su­per­mar­ket when you thought the cashier was com­ing on­to you be­cause he touched your hand giv­ing you change?

–Time Square

HR per­son: I don’t want to whack her un­til I have to. But I prob­a­bly will.

–Broad­way

Lit­tle boy to mom: Mom­my, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Car­roll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broad­way

Sev­en-year-old girl to mom, af­ter be­ing scold­ed: I’m go­ing to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Is­land woman: Well, sure, it’s a great place if you want to be raped and mur­dered every day.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Cori

On­ly One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Re­la­tion­ship

Bar­tender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell any­one. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few peo­ple over on Fri­day, and when every­one left my pants were miss­ing. So I had every­one over again on Sun­day, and I left the draw­er with my pants closed. He goes to the bath­room and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my draw­er is open and I am miss­ing a pair of pants.
Wait­ress: So what are you gonna do?
Bar­tender: From now on I on­ly buy skirts.

–Na­tion, 45th & 5th

Over­heard by: Bare­ly swal­lowed my drink