Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?

–Time Square

HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.

–Broadway

Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Carroll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broadway

Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Cori

Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship

Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell anyone. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.

–Nation, 45th & 5th

Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink