Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

My High School Class Vot­ed Me “Most Like­ly to Be Mur­dered”

Girl #1, on her way to Flat­bush: Oh my god, I’m so late and it’s get­ting dark!
Girl #2: So what?
Girl #1, in fright­ened tone: Are you kid­ding me? What if some­thing bad hap­pens to me?
Girl #2: Don’t wor­ry! I don’t think any­one will want to rape you.
Girl #1, an­gry: Ex­cuse me! I’m to­tal­ly rape­able!

–4th Ave & Bayridge

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for be­ing an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, la­dy. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. What­ev­er. See ya! Would­n’t want to be ya!

–F train

Queer: He to­tal­ly has to un­der­stand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stew­art peo­ple are crazy too!

–27th street of­fice

Crazy la­dy: Well, I think you should give me my mu­si­cal in­stru­ments back be­cause I know that you’ve been steal­ing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not mu­sic. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy.

–Bed­ford Av­enue sta­tion

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Crazy man: I al­ready told you I don’t have no chick­en. Be­sides, I gave you that tree last week.

–54th & 11th

Crazy woman: I’ve got demons be­hind me, shit next to me, and the ug­ly ones in front of me. I need an an­gel above me.

–World Fi­nan­cial Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Dr. Bal­lon

Crazy bag la­dy: Stay away from the peo­ple! Stay away from the id­iot Mex­i­cans!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kaitlen

Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysit­ter from across the hall?…is watch­ing me.

–46th & 8th

Over­heard by: ballpeen ham­mer

Crazy la­dy: I don’t be­lieve this. Pussyass son of a fuck­ing fag­got!

–Lex­ing­ton & 23rd

Hobo: Would some­one please tell Court­ney Love to get her god­damned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would some­one please tell Court­ney Love to get her god­damned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would some­one please tell Court­ney Love to get her god­damned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!

–19th be­tween 7th & 8th

Cross­ing De­lancey (A NYC Short Sto­ry)

I had just missed the train and was wait­ing on the bench at the end of the plat­form when a ragged look­ing crazy man starts pac­ing around in front of me. He says to him­self: …and when I don’t take my med­ica­tion, I get a lit­tle crazy, but I don’t like to take it be­cause it makes me feel different…New York­ers are all rude. In New Jer­sey they’ll say “Hi” back to you and ask how you are do­ing. New York­ers are all rude or scared.

Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typ­i­cal com­put­er tech: glass­es, chunky, and neat. I am look­ing straight at the tracks, ig­nor­ing him.

Crazy man: This city’s full of queers and nig­gers and geeks, yeah geeks.

He looks at me and says: They’re all rude or scared. Scared that you’ll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean?

I don’t an­swer and am look­ing away from him.

Crazy man: See! See! Rude…scared.

He opens a NY Post.

Crazy man: Look at all these mur­ders. All these peo­ple dy­ing. Ever think they de­served to die, though?

I get up and walk all the way to the oth­er end of the plat­form. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feel­ing you’re be­ing fol­lowed?

–De­lancey Street sta­tion

Over­heard by: Matt

Clear­ly the Googleion­aires Have Nev­er Walked the NYC Streets

Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 11:51:21 ‑0700
From: Google Ad­Sense
To: [email protected]
Sub­ject: Google Ad­Sense Ac­count Sta­tus
Cc: Google Ad­Sense

Hel­lo Steven,

Thank you for your in­ter­est in Google Ad­Sense. Af­ter re­view­ing your ap­pli­ca­tion, our pro­gram spe­cial­ists have found that it does not com­ply with our poli­cies. There­fore, we’re un­able to ac­cept you in­to Google Ad­Sense at this time.

We did not ap­prove your ap­pli­ca­tion for the rea­sons list­ed be­low. If you are able to re­solve these is­sues, please feel free to re­ply to this email for re­con­sid­er­a­tion when you have made the changes.


- In­ap­pro­pri­ate lan­guage


Fur­ther de­tail:

In­ap­pro­pri­ate lan­guage: We’ve found that your web­site con­tains con­tent that is­n’t in com­pli­ance with our pro­gram poli­cies. We don’t al­low web­sites with ex­ces­sive pro­fan­i­ty or po­ten­tial­ly of­fen­sive con­tent to par­tic­i­pate in Google Ad­Sense. Please re­view our policies( for a com­plete list of site con­tent not al­lowed on web pages.

[Sure­ly they don’t mean “nig­ga”? –Ed.]

At Least It’s Not One of Those Bowls with Dec­o­ra­tive Balls in It

Guy #1: My re­la­tion­ship is­n’t work­ing out.
Guy #2: What’s wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up to­day and re­al­ized there was a vase sit­ting on the man­tle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no pur­pose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um… I think that’s what vas­es usu­al­ly do.
Guy #1: Ex­act­ly! That’s why I did­n’t have any. They don’t do any­thing. They’re use­less. There’s ab­solute­ly no rea­son to have one, and now all of a sud­den, I do. [Des­per­ate­ly] What has hap­pened to me?!

–Down­town bus stop

Is ‘Oxy­codone’ with an ‘I’ or a ‘Y’?

La­dy suit: I can’t keep com­ing here to get my pre­scrip­tion filled. They’re be­gin­ning to rec­og­nize me.
Suit: So what?
La­dy suit: So, what if I get in trou­ble?
Suit: Why would you get in trou­ble? You have a pre­scrip­tion from a doc­tor.
La­dy suit: If you say so. Oh, shit, I for­got to put the date on this.

–Du­ane Reade, 89th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Veron­i­ca at