Archive for the ‘Passengers’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could

Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Lynne

Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

–LIRR

Overheard by: morningcommute

Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.

–Q Train

Get a Little Cardio Without Your Ears Bleeding

Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: And so I discovered that Jesus Christ is the only messiah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped passenger #1: Could you turn it down a little?
Loud evangelist, shouting in packed subway car: I was a sinner! I spent thirty-five years running from the word of the Lord!
Trapped passenger #2: At least you could run…

–A Train

Overheard by: peeper

What's a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One-Liner Like This?

Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There's no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me "The Vagina Whisperer."

–Moe's Bar. Brooklyn

Guy hitting on four younger girls: I'll take you home and we can do something weird… I'll pour honey all over you. Then I'll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I'll pour butter all over you, and I'll make toast, and I'll wipe the butter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You're beautiful! Look at me! You don't want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I'm Tony Baloney.

–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn

The Day Mombolu Changed Professions

Talkative hobo, seeing woman holding papers about Africa: What's up in Africa? You don't look African.
Dignified woman: I used to work in Angola.
Talkative hobo: That's the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to Angola if you were paying for it out of your own pocket.
Dignified woman: Actually, it costs more than that. It's about $4000 to fly to Angola and back from here.
Talkative hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to Angola and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke myself to death! Damn!

–1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners! They're Just Like Us!

Creepy dad, cheerfully, to seven-year-old daughter: There's only one Lindsay Lohan!

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Jewish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done people tell me I look like Amy Winehouse?

–116th St & Broadway

Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in particular: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!

–N6 Bus

Overheard by: looks like paris hilton?

Larger reporter: I'm not going to save clothes that fit me before I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I'm going to buy some new damn clothes. I don't want to wear stuff from 1987. I'll look stupid, I'll look like Mischa Barton.

–Midtown Office

Overheard by: you wont be mischa's size

Hipster girl to friend: I mean, I really like him… But he thinks River Phoenix is a place.

–East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney

Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"

–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU

Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: fingerling

Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.

–McCarren Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: kalbijim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?

–Williamsburg

The Man Has Earned His Quarter

Decently dressed man, who doesn't look like he needs a quarter: Does anyone have a quarter? Does anyone have a quarter?
(no response, he sits down)
Decently dressed man, sounding like radio announcer: You're listening to power 105… Power 105… You've got the power… Power 105… Power 105…
(lights cigarette, and begins standing on one foot in center of car with his arms stretched out)
Little girl to father: Wow, daddy… He's good!

–6 Train

Overheard by: johnnytomatoes