Archive for the ‘Passengers’ Category

Get a Lit­tle Car­dio With­out Your Ears Bleed­ing

Loud evan­ge­list, shout­ing in packed sub­way car: And so I dis­cov­ered that Je­sus Christ is the on­ly mes­si­ah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped pas­sen­ger #1: Could you turn it down a lit­tle?
Loud evan­ge­list, shout­ing in packed sub­way car: I was a sin­ner! I spent thir­ty-five years run­ning from the word of the Lord!
Trapped pas­sen­ger #2: At least you could run…

–A Train

Over­heard by: peep­er

What’s a Nice Wednes­day Like You Do­ing in a One-Lin­er Like This?

Creep­ster to woman with child en­ter­ing train: You can sit here. There’s no rea­son to be stand­ing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much bet­ter when you were stand­ing.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got to­geth­er, we could make the next Oba­ma.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagi­na Whis­per­er.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brook­lyn

Guy hit­ting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do some­thing weird… I’ll pour hon­ey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the clos­et and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour but­ter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the but­ter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Old­er fat man yelling at at­trac­tive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beau­ti­ful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broad­way & Hewes, Brook­lyn

The Day Mom­bolu Changed Pro­fes­sions

Talk­a­tive hobo, see­ing woman hold­ing pa­pers about Africa: What’s up in Africa? You don’t look African.
Dig­ni­fied woman: I used to work in An­go­la.
Talk­a­tive hobo: That’s the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to An­go­la if you were pay­ing for it out of your own pock­et.
Dig­ni­fied woman: Ac­tu­al­ly, it costs more than that. It’s about $4000 to fly to An­go­la and back from here.
Talk­a­tive hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to An­go­la and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke my­self to death! Damn!

–1 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers! They’re Just Like Us!

Creepy dad, cheer­ful­ly, to sev­en-year-old daugh­ter: There’s on­ly one Lind­say Lo­han!

–Down­town 1 train

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Jew­ish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done peo­ple tell me I look like Amy Wine­house?

–116th St & Broad­way

Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!

–N6 Bus

Over­heard by: looks like paris hilton?

Larg­er re­porter: I’m not go­ing to save clothes that fit me be­fore I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I’m go­ing to buy some new damn clothes. I don’t want to wear stuff from 1987. I’ll look stu­pid, I’ll look like Mis­cha Bar­ton.

–Mid­town Of­fice

Over­heard by: you wont be mis­cha’s size

Hip­ster girl to friend: I mean, I re­al­ly like him… But he thinks Riv­er Phoenix is a place.

–East Vil­lage

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get a Relt­ney

Hip­ster girl: And he’s al­ways like, “oh god, I’m so hard!” and I’m al­ways just like, “re­al­ly?”

–Kim­mel Cafe­te­ria, NYU

Loud pas­sen­ger: I’m so horny I’d fuck a pota­to right now.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: fin­ger­ling

Guy: I’ve had a hard-on all day! I need to pol­ish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Beard­ed hip­ster to an­oth­er, on blan­ket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a bon­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: kalbi­jim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a bon­er while we’re talk­ing about Mex­i­cans and drown­ing?

–Williams­burg

The Man Has Earned His Quar­ter

De­cent­ly dressed man, who does­n’t look like he needs a quar­ter: Does any­one have a quar­ter? Does any­one have a quar­ter?
(no re­sponse, he sits down)
De­cent­ly dressed man, sound­ing like ra­dio an­nounc­er: You’re lis­ten­ing to pow­er 105… Pow­er 105… You’ve got the pow­er… Pow­er 105… Pow­er 105…
(lights cig­a­rette, and be­gins stand­ing on one foot in cen­ter of car with his arms stretched out)
Lit­tle girl to fa­ther: Wow, dad­dy… He’s good!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: john­ny­toma­toes

I’d Like You All Now to Join Me in a Cho­rus of “This Lit­tle Light of Mine”

Bus dri­ver: Good morn­ing pas­sen­gers! You may have heard re­cent­ly that bus dri­vers have been put on a di­et to make them nicer and more help­ful. Now this doc­tor has told me, “No more ba­con and eggs, but a nice bowl of oat­meal. Oh, and lots of wa­ter, fruit. And in­stead of stop­ping for some pork fried rice in the af­ter­noon, with chick­en wings, a nice piece of floun­der, maybe with some but­ter and herbs.” Now it’s been 15 days, and I am so much more po­lite to pas­sen­gers, say­ing “Good morn­ing. How do you do?” I’m even nicer to ma­ma when she gets home. Helpin’ her with her car­riage and bags; low­er­ing the bus for peo­ple at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for an­oth­er 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day.

–B61 Bus

Over­heard by: I should have eat­en break­fast

As the Dodgers Said in 1957

Guy #1: (howls like an an­i­mal)
Guy #2: (makes owl noise and starts hoot­ing)
Group of peo­ple, in­clud­ing guys #1 and #2: (all start mak­ing an­i­mal calls, screams, hoots etc)
Man #1 on train: Shut the fuck up!
Group of howlers: (spo­rad­i­cal­ly throws in more an­i­mal nois­es and then pro­fuse­ly thanks the glar­ing au­di­ence as they ex­it train)
Man#2 on train: At least they’re some­one else’s prob­lem now.
Man#1 on train: I’m nev­er go­ing to Brook­lyn again.

–F Train

Over­heard by: it on­ly takes 3 stops to de­cide