Archive for the ‘Passengers’ Category

News­Flash: Crack­head Slain on 2 Train! Film at Eleven.

Crack­head to white girl: I want a lit­tle white girl. Okay, a lit­tle white lily, she so mad, I want a lit­tle white girl, not a black girl, they broke my heart too many times. You think I’m ha­rass­ing you be­cause you’re white and I’m black.
Girl on train: I’m not white, okay? I’m not white, stop look­ing at me. I don’t look re­mote­ly white, or Cau­casian.
Crack­head: I’m not in­to fat girls, so I’ll look some­where else. I’m not in­to fat jokes, just black jokes. You prob­a­bly think I’m in­to white guys, not white girls, just call me gay. Are you try­ing to slip away?
Girl on train: Did he just call me fat?

–Down­town 2 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Rail­road­ed

Con­duc­tor: Check around, make sure you have all of your be­long­ings. If you have small chil­dren, make sure you hold on­to them. (in haunt­ing tone) Would­n’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Over­heard by: Jess

Train con­duc­tor on PA: The last car is the qui­et car. No cell phones or loud con­ver­sa­tions please. If you need to have a con­ver­sa­tion, please do so silent­ly.

–Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tress, in mo­not­o­ne: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the bor­ough of Man­hat­tan.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Con­duc­tor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the lo­cal train on the oth­er plat­form: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Sta­tion

MTA con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train will be out of com­mis­sion, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Over­heard by: Kellin

Train con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, brace for im­pact. (pause) Nah…just kid­ding, I could nev­er pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we un­der­ground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

Get a Lit­tle Car­dio With­out Your Ears Bleed­ing

Loud evan­ge­list, shout­ing in packed sub­way car: And so I dis­cov­ered that Je­sus Christ is the on­ly mes­si­ah! I found the Lord! I found the truth and the light!
Trapped pas­sen­ger #1: Could you turn it down a lit­tle?
Loud evan­ge­list, shout­ing in packed sub­way car: I was a sin­ner! I spent thir­ty-five years run­ning from the word of the Lord!
Trapped pas­sen­ger #2: At least you could run…

–A Train

Over­heard by: peep­er

What’s a Nice Wednes­day Like You Do­ing in a One-Lin­er Like This?

Creep­ster to woman with child en­ter­ing train: You can sit here. There’s no rea­son to be stand­ing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much bet­ter when you were stand­ing.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got to­geth­er, we could make the next Oba­ma.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagi­na Whis­per­er.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brook­lyn

Guy hit­ting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do some­thing weird… I’ll pour hon­ey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the clos­et and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour but­ter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the but­ter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Old­er fat man yelling at at­trac­tive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beau­ti­ful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broad­way & Hewes, Brook­lyn

The Day Mom­bolu Changed Pro­fes­sions

Talk­a­tive hobo, see­ing woman hold­ing pa­pers about Africa: What’s up in Africa? You don’t look African.
Dig­ni­fied woman: I used to work in An­go­la.
Talk­a­tive hobo: That’s the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to An­go­la if you were pay­ing for it out of your own pock­et.
Dig­ni­fied woman: Ac­tu­al­ly, it costs more than that. It’s about $4000 to fly to An­go­la and back from here.
Talk­a­tive hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to An­go­la and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke my­self to death! Damn!

–1 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers! They’re Just Like Us!

Creepy dad, cheer­ful­ly, to sev­en-year-old daugh­ter: There’s on­ly one Lind­say Lo­han!

–Down­town 1 train

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Jew­ish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done peo­ple tell me I look like Amy Wine­house?

–116th St & Broad­way

Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!

–N6 Bus

Over­heard by: looks like paris hilton?

Larg­er re­porter: I’m not go­ing to save clothes that fit me be­fore I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I’m go­ing to buy some new damn clothes. I don’t want to wear stuff from 1987. I’ll look stu­pid, I’ll look like Mis­cha Bar­ton.

–Mid­town Of­fice

Over­heard by: you wont be mis­cha’s size

Hip­ster girl to friend: I mean, I re­al­ly like him… But he thinks Riv­er Phoenix is a place.

–East Vil­lage

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get a Relt­ney

Hip­ster girl: And he’s al­ways like, “oh god, I’m so hard!” and I’m al­ways just like, “re­al­ly?”

–Kim­mel Cafe­te­ria, NYU

Loud pas­sen­ger: I’m so horny I’d fuck a pota­to right now.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: fin­ger­ling

Guy: I’ve had a hard-on all day! I need to pol­ish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Beard­ed hip­ster to an­oth­er, on blan­ket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a bon­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: kalbi­jim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a bon­er while we’re talk­ing about Mex­i­cans and drown­ing?

–Williams­burg