Archive for the ‘Pee’ Category

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

Prob­a­bly Best to Have Your Cof­fee at Work

Chick #1: What were you do­ing and why were you walk­ing so hard?
Chick #2: The el­e­va­tor man kept go­ing up and down and missed my stop, and I re­al­ly had to pee, so I had to rush to this floor and use the bath­room. I’ve been hold­ing it since Brook­lyn, and I peed on my­self a lit­tle. My pants are wet.
Chick #3: What?!

Chick #1 starts laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly.

Chick #2 stomps away, scream­ing: I hate you!
Chick #1: I’m not laugh­ing at you! I’m not laugh­ing at you!

–57th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bdiz­zle

You Go, Roscoe!

La­dy: Ex­cuse me, do you know where the bath­rooms are?
Fa­ther with tod­dler: Nope, sor­ry.
La­dy: I thought peo­ple with kids al­ways knew where the bath­rooms were.
Fa­ther with tod­dler: Nah, I just let him pee in the grass.

–Cen­tral Park

Strange­ly, Our First Ever Quote to In­clude the Words “Pig Urine”

Old man: So where are you from?
Bar­ber: Rus­sia.
Old man: Oh yes, they have a lot of mon­ey there in Rus­sia.
Bar­ber: No, very poor.
Old man: Where in Rus­sia are you from?
Bar­ber: Uzbek­istan.
Old man: Oh! So you’re from the boon­docks? Your coun­try would be like the boon­docks to Rus­sia.
Bar­ber: I lived in a city.
Old man: A city? You mean you did­n’t grow up on a farm?
Bar­ber: No.
Old man: You did­n’t have live­stock?
Bar­ber: Yes. We had pigs and chick­ens.
Old man: Pigs are great. But pig urine smells aw­ful. And chick­ens are stu­pid. They will lie back with their mouths open and drown in a rain­storm.
Bar­ber: Yes, chick­ens are stu­pid. I named them af­ter my sis­ters.

–E 9th & Ave A