Archive for the ‘Pee’ Category

One-Lin­ers Are All Wednes­day Can Af­ford

11-year-old girl: Yo mam­ma’s broke cuz she spend all her mon­ey on rhine­stones and cig­a­rttes!

–River­side Branch Li­brary

Over­heard by: al­ways lis­ten­ing

Po­lite la­dy: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects–don’t wor­ry, they’re mixed income–and you’ll see it when you come out on A.

–1st Ave & 5th St.

Over­heard by: Mrqs

Old la­dy wait­ing for the bath­room: How long do peo­ple stay in toi­lets? Je­sus! It’s a pub­lic toi­let! There are all these peo­ple from the streets that come in, and they al­ways pee on the floor. Well, that’s what hap­pens when you’re poor.

–NY Pub­lic Li­brary

Over­heard by: Av­ery

Home­girl to friend: So she was like “oh, my name’s Di­a­mond. And this is my sis­ter, her name’s Ru­by. Our dad­dy named us af­ter stuff he can’t af­ford.” I was like, shit, if that was the case, my dad­dy woul­da call us “lights” and “gas.”

–Prospect Park

Nerdish teen: What the hell was a war­lock do­ing in a dun­geon when he had no mon­ey?

–C Train

Over­heard by: An­drew

Noth­ing to Be Ashamed of — It’s Just Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Lit­tle girl scream­ing to moth­er from bath­room stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck!

–In­di­an restau­rant

Black man singing while pee­ing at uri­nal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heav­en? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heav­en? [Fin­ish­es uri­nat­ing abrupt­ly.] Thank you, Lord Je­sus. Hal­lelu­jah!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Guy in stall: I’m an athe­ist! I’m an athe­ist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giv­ing me the pow­er!

–NYC Main Li­brary

Trendy girl in stall: The toi­let’s try­ing to eat my ass!

–Mo­ri­mo­to

Over­heard by: I’d say give a spit pol­ish more than eat

50-ish la­dy on cell in stall: Hel­lo? In the bath­room… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bath­room at Bar­ney’s… Yeah, so the doc­tor said she might have can­cer and she’d have to get a biop­sy… Hold on while I wipe.

–Bar­ney’s

Over­heard by: Caryn

The As­to­ria Poster-Chil­dren Were Fired Short­ly There­after

Young punk #1: Where’s the fuck­ing n train? Can we get NRW in this shit… (pause) So my friend was all coked out and fuck­ing this girl in the ass, then he to­tal­ly lost it and start­ed piss­ing right in her ass­hole.
Young punk #2: Woah…did she no­tice?
Young punk #1: Of course she no­ticed, he was piss­ing in her fuck­ing ass­hole! (train ar­rives) Oh, sweet, it’s the n!
Young punk #2: Yes! As­to­ria rep­re­sent!

–Union Square, Wait­ing for the NRW

Q: What’s Black and White and Red All Over? A: An Em­bar­rassed Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Girl to friend: Oh, my God, I think I just left the most em­bar­rass­ing thing in the bath­room.

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: V

Woman to room­mate: When we get home, we’ll have em­bar­rass­ing sex­u­al ac­ci­dents!

–Path­mark, Mas­s­ape­qua

Over­heard by: Are they re­al­ly ac­ci­dents if you plan ahead?

Nerdy TA: The the­sis talk is kind of like the sex talk. It’s a lit­tle em­bar­rass­ing, no one re­al­ly wants to give it, but it’ll make you grow as adults.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Girl to friend: I’m not em­bar­rassed that I peed in his bed. I’m just not.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Girl on cell: I saw it and I thought, “how em­bar­rass­ing would it be rid­ing on a bike with a nun.”

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: gal­gal

Trans­la­tion: I’m To­tal­ly A‑OK With You Get­ting Ar­rest­ed

Hip­ster on cell: So, are you gonna pee on the sub­way or hold it?
Fu­ture sub­way peeer: (in­audi­ble re­sponse)
Hip­ster on cell: Yeah, dude, I do it all the time. Just do your thing in the cor­ner, open the side door, an’ let it slosh out when you’re movin’ be­tween sta­tions. Dude, even women do it. To­tal­ly a‑okay!

–67th St & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: kjirsten john­son