Woman #1: Giving my boyfriend a blowjob always seems like it would be hot, sexy fun until I have his dick in my mouth.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know what you mean.
–Park Ave
Archive for the ‘Penis’ Category
Then You Deserve a Cigar Too, My Good Sir
Neighbor #1: So your baby is finally here!
Neighbor #2: Yeah, she was born on Tuesday. 8 lbs, 20 inches…
Crazy guy walking by: Well, I'm 25 inches.
–Garment District
It Never Gets Old
Man #1, wearing a wig: Ian’s penis was in my ear.
Man #2: Again?
–Vynl, 51St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Van
Complimenting My Genitals Does Nothing to Contradict My Argument
Junior high kid: Nice bike, fag!
Guy on moped: Nice prepubescent penis, kid!
–Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Matthew
Wednesday One-Liners Worry That Trucker Hats May Be Out
Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel.
–E Train
Overheard by: dru
Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year.
–N 6th St, Williamsburg
Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain!
–McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint
Hipster on cell: No, I've never heard of a nocturnal squirrel… Do you even… Wait, are you trying to tell me you're gay?! No? Well, this is awkward…
–Central Park
Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There's like all kinds of shit on your dick!
–Union Hall
Overheard by: Cass
Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic?
–Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
Because People Who Are Good at Math Are Always the Slowest to Catch On
Student #1: How could you throw a ball 520 meters? That's like half a mile!
Student #2 (from back of room): You know what else is half a mile?
(students all laugh)
Teacher: What? How come everyone got it except for me?
–Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
What About Janet Reno Then, Smart Guy?
Student: Yes, but I feel that Robert was a boy while Mr Pontellier was a man.
Professor: Hm, yes, but I'm going to argue that they both had penises and were therefore both men.
–Queens College
She’s the Cob, and They’re the Cornholders
Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.
–84th & Broadway
Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it.
–52nd & Lexington
Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’
Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.
–Columbia
20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.
–Columbia
Overheard by: martina m.
Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.
–Columbia
Overheard by: Ladle
Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.
–1 train
Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’
–1 train
Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.
–Columbia
Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.
–116th St
Overheard by: Sam
Dear Dan Savage…
Teen #1: That's nasty, dude, she had strep throat last week. If you made out with her, you're totally gonna get strep throat.
Teen #2: Oh, fuck…can somebody get strep dick?
–N Train
Overheard by: -bill