Cashier #1, holding black deflated balloon-thing: Dis thing don’t work, I been blowin’ it, but it don’t blow.
Cashier #2: It ain’t blow? You try to poke it? Wha’ happen when you pokin it ?
Cashier #1: I just been tryin’ to stick it in, and it ain’t work.
–Duane Ready
Overheard by: I Love Duane Reed
Girl #1: You said you wanted to castrate him…
Girl #2, interrupting: And force-feed him his own dick. Yeah. I?m beyond that point now. I still want to castrate him, but I?ll just throw it away.
–Columbia University
Hipster girl: I haven’t seen any of your Facebook pictures, and I’ve been your friend for like a year!
Hipster boy: Really? You should.
Hipster girl: I’m checking them right now.
Hipster boy: Let me warn you, though — there are a lot of pictures of my penis on there.
Hipster girl: Oh, I’m used to that.
–Apple Store, 5th Ave
13-year-old skateboarder to friends: Suck my dick!
Friend #1: I like you, you’re my friend, and I’ll invite you to my birthday party, but I won’t suck your dick.
Friend #2: You provoke me with your boner.
–A Train
Overheard by: devon
Guy #1: His schlong was so long!
Guy #2: Did you get HIV?
Guy #1: No, I tested myself. You stick the thing in your butt for, like, five minutes like a thermometer. It feels so good.
–Washington Square Park
Black dude, yelling: I suck dick! I suck dick! I suck dick!
Brassy white chick walking past: Whatta you want, a medal? I suck dick too.
–Christopher & Bleecker
Girl #1: Oh my god, I need something cold and sweet in my mouth, like, now! Like, a frozen sugared penis!
Girl #2: Oooh! With Splenda on it?!
Girl #1: Oh, no! I so do not eat that. Splenda is tested on animals!
–MacDougal St
Overheard by: SarahC
20-something girl singing: Put your cock and balls in my mouth… La-la-la.
Boyfriend: What?
20-something girl: I just think it would be fun.
–66th & 3rd
Overheard by: I wish
Cabbie: So, uh, you hear about the double team? The, uh, Democrats?
Passenger: Oh, so Democrats got the Senate, too?
Cabbie: Yes! It’s like a twelve-inch penis!
–Northbound 1st Ave from Delancey
Overheard by: dumbstruck passengers
Slutty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I’ve been shitting blood for two days.
–Citi Field Stadium
Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.
–St. Mark’s
Overheard by: jax
Chick laughing hysterically on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!
–Hunter College
Overheard by: Fresh Man
Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleeding from his eye sockets and shit. (pause) So you wanna meet up later?
–Willoughby & Vanderbilt
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
