Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Physical appearance’ Category

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Now, Less Than Ever

Sales­guy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find any­thing?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The per­fume’s too much for us.
Sales­guy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out even­tu­al­ly.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Am­bu­lances are bad for busi­ness.
Sales­guy: I’ve al­ways want­ed to ride in the back of an am­bu­lance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Ac­tu­al­ly, it’s a bit of a role re­ver­sal. We’re wait­ing for my hus­band to fin­ish shop­ping.
Sales­guy: Oh, which one is your hus­band?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Sales­guy: The one with the pony­tail? Looks like a vam­pire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Sales­guy: Boy, you’re one lucky la­dy.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Sales­guy: Hey, does he have a broth­er?
Chick #1: Yes.
Sales­guy: Just kid­ding. Does he have a sis­ter?
Chick #1: No.
Sales­guy: Oh. Well, I was still kid­ding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Out­side The Body Shop, 76th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Yup. I Could Tell from That Nau­se­at­ed Look on Your Face.

Woman #1 in el­e­va­tor: Why aren’t you wear­ing a jack­et? You’re go­ing to be freez­ing!
Woman #2: I don’t need one. It’s be­cause I’m fat.
Woman #1: (si­lence)
Woman #2: You know it’s true. You’re not say­ing any­thing be­cause you know I’m fat. Most peo­ple would say, “No, no, no. You’re not fat!” but you’re not say­ing that be­cause you think I’m fat. Think about it.
Woman #1: I’m think­ing about it.

–39th St