Archive for the ‘Pilots’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Lives Are in the Hands of Cyn­i­cal Strangers

Pi­lot: For those of you seat­ed on the left, if you look out of your win­dow you can see the beau­ti­ful Man­hat­tan sky­line. For those seat­ed on the right… thank you for fly­ing Unit­ed.

–Flight to Newark

Over­heard by: will

Cap­tain: Good morn­ing, ladies and gen­tle­men. I’m your cap­tain, James T. Kirk, and to­day I’ll be as­sist­ed by my copi­lot, Ricky Bob­by.

–Jet­Blue flight, JFK

Over­heard by: jew­ish girl

Flight at­ten­dant: Wel­come to New York’s La­Guardia air­port, where the lo­cal time is way too ear­ly in the morn­ing!

–Red-eye flight from Ft. Laud­erdale, FL

Over­heard by: Jo­han­na Cipol­la

Fe­male flight at­ten­dant: In re­sponse to the many re­quests about what in-flight movies will be play­ing I have de­cid­ed to make a pub­lic an­nounce­ment: we are play­ing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxy­gen mask per seat, and two in the bath­room. Why there are two in the bath­room — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleas­ant flight.

–South­west flight to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant on PA: Be care­ful when open­ing the over­head bins. Items can shift dur­ing flight and fall on you, or even, God for­bid, me.

Over­heard by: Earth­born

–Amer­i­can Air­lines flight, JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Please take out the safe­ty cards in your seat’s back pock­et and pre­tend to fol­low along.

–Unit­ed flight 7418, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Na­talya Petro­v­na

Flight at­ten­dant: Thank you for lis­ten­ing to the safe­ty an­nounce­ment for this Boe­ing 777 ser­vice to At­lanta… [Pro­ceeds in low whis­per] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any bev­er­ages. Close your eyes and sleeep

–Red-eye flight, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Drewp

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Join the Jet Set

In­ter­com voice: If you heard your name, or some­thing that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leav­ing!

–Air­Tran gates, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

Se­cu­ri­ty of­fi­cial: Okay, peo­ple, have your board­ing pass­es out! If you don’t have your board­ing pass­es out, I’m send­ing you to Am­trak!

–Se­cu­ri­ty screen­ing line, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Beth T

Pi­lot, on crowd­ed run­way: Wel­come to the park­ing lot known as La­Guardia Air­port.

–La­Guardia Tar­mac

Pi­lot: The mist you are see­ing is caused by a dif­fer­ence in tem­per­a­ture. The tem­per­a­ture out­side is dif­fer­ent from the tem­per­a­ture in­side. Once we close the door and pre­pare for take-off, the mist will dis­ap­pear, which will make us very sad be­cause we like mist.

–Jet­blue flight in­to New York

Over­heard by: Denise

Pi­lot: Good af­ter­noon, pas­sen­gers. We are about to make our fi­nal de­scent in­to John F. Kennedy In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port, so buck­le your seat­belts and hold on tight.

–Flight in­to JFK

Over­heard by: fre­quent fly­er

Sassy flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a loss of cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will be re­leased from the over­head above your seat. Af­ter the scream­ing sub­sides, please place the oxy­gen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are trav­el­ing with a child or an adult who is act­ing like a child, place your mask on first be­fore at­tempt­ing to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Ron­nie F

Flight at­ten­dant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke in­side, you came to the wrong state.

–Spir­it Air flight in­to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Kathryn

Jet-Pro­pelled Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Pi­lot: We’re on our way to New York where the weath­er is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Laud­erdale to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant an­nounc­ing board­ing call: If you have giv­en up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.


Unit­ed Air­lines em­ploy­ee on PA: Okay, ladies and gen­tle­men, we’re go­ing to use the last-one-on-is-a-rot­ten-egg method of board­ing here.


Over­heard by: Hour-and-a-Half De­layed

Pi­lot, as the seat­belt sign goes off: All rise.

–Air­tran flight from At­lanta to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Deb­bie Kate

Stew­ardess: Ex­cuse me, ladies and gen­tle­men, if I could have your at­ten­tion I would very much ap­pre­ci­ate it. My par­ents paid thou­sands of dol­lars to put me through col­lege for a the­ater arts and com­mu­ni­ca­tions de­gree, and since this is the on­ly time the air­line ever puts a mi­cro­phone in my hand, I’m sure they would re­al­ly ap­pre­ci­ate it, too.

–Unit­ed flight from La­Guardia to Chica­go

Over­heard by: Ellen

Air­line rep­re­sen­ta­tive: Pag­ing La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Pag­ing… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.


Over­heard by: De­layed

Pi­lot: Why, hel­lo, every­one! This is your cap­tain, Bud Howard, and your copi­lot, Har­vey the Rab­bit. The FCC or FCA… Some fan­cy or­ga­ni­za­tion told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-bud­get and en­ter­tain­ing movie on how to act on a Unit­ed flight. Ba­si­cal­ly, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seat­belt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jim­my-crick­et, and the soon­er you watch it the soon­er I can push this big moth­er. Last­ly, my young Je­di here says he’ll fly us so I’m go­ing to take a lit­tle nap while our copi­lot does every­thing. Re­lax. Any­one does­n’t know what I said, find the near­est south­ern­er and ask for a trans­la­tion.


Over­heard by: this one goes out to dan cao

Econ­o­my-Class Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Air­Tran flight at­ten­dant over in­ter­com: We hope you ladies and gen­tle­men had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the win­dows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.


Air­line em­ploy­ee over loud­speak­er: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Air­line loud­speak­er, 10 min­utes lat­er: Se­ri­ous­ly, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Air­line Loud­speak­er, 10 more min­utes lat­er: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Air­port

Over­heard by: Kim

Flight at­ten­dant: The cap­tain has ad­vised us that our fly­ing time will be quick, at an al­ti­tude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK air­port

Flight at­ten­dant: We do en­counter bumps be­tween the run­way and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the cap­tain’s fault. It’s the as­phalt.

–JFK air­port

Flight At­ten­dant: Thank you for fly­ing US Air­ways, and have a hap­py… hap­py… what the hell hol­i­day is this? Colum­bus? Psssh, that ain’t no hol­i­day. Have a good week!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Amer­i­can Air­line pi­lot: Ok guys, we’re just wait­ing on some Unit­ed dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Air­port — about to take off

Over­heard by: So K

Pi­lot fly­ing in­to La­Guardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beau­ti­ful, fa­mous down­town sky­line of Man­hat­tan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sigh­ing] New Jer­sey.


Over­heard by: mj ki­ran

Your Wednes­day Has Turned on the “One-Lin­ers” Sign

Male flight at­ten­dant: Ladies and gen­tle­men, Jet­Blue wel­comes you to the city which all oth­er cities are re­flec­tions of… wel­come to New York.


Over­heard by: SJK

Pi­lot over loud­speak­er: Al­right folks, get in­to your seats quick­ly. You don’t have to love the per­son next to you and this ain’t a fur­ni­ture store.


Over­heard by: Al­lie

Wit­ty flight at­ten­dant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demon­strate how seat­belts work.


Flam­ing flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a sud­den change in cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should oc­cur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…


Jet­Blue pi­lot: I hope you all en­joyed the flight. If you have any ques­tions, please e‑mail them to the Con­ti­nen­tal Air­lines e‑mail. Thank you for fly­ing Jet­Blue.


Over­heard by: lone­ly pas­sen­ger

Wednes­day 1:00-Liners

Dude, in front of closed Sta­ples: Sta­ples does­n’t open un­til fuck­ing noon? What are we, in a god­damn small town? Noon? Am I sup­posed to be in fuck­ing church right now? God!

–Meek­er St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Si­mon

Girl on cell: Be­cause I don’t func­tion in the world of time so well.

–7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St

Over­heard by: John C

Pi­lot on PA: Jet­Blue wel­comes you to New York City, where the lo­cal time is 1:40… 1:45… Kin­da… I think.


Law stu­dent to an­oth­er: What time is it in the re­al world?

–Ford­ham Law School

But You Know What They Say — “Beer Be­fore Liquor; Fly There Quick­er”

Pi­lot (af­ter land­ing plane in New York): Amer­i­can Air­lines wel­comes you all to fog­gy Ot­tawa, and we hope you had a pleas­ant flight.
Every­body on plane: Huh? What!
Pi­lot: Whoop­sies, I mean New York City, JFK. (un­der his breath but still au­di­ble) I should drink less.

–JFK Tar­mac

Over­heard by: seat 32B

Wednes­day Mile-High­lin­ers

Pi­lot: Pas­sen­gers, please move your seat in­to the least com­fort­able po­si­tion. We are now ap­proach­ing La­Guardia in­ter­galac­tic air­port. I’m your pi­lot, T.J. Maxx.

–Jet­Blue Air­plane

Pi­lot over in­ter­com: We are about to de­part, so please turn off your iPhones, Side­kicks, Black­Ber­rys, Blue­ber­rys, Pinkber­rys, Straw­ber­rys and all oth­er mo­bile de­vices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf.

–La­Guardia Flight

Flight at­ten­dant: In the mean­time we ask that pas­sen­gers please con­tin­ue to use oxy­gen at their leisure.


Bored-look­ing flight at­ten­dant, ex­plain­ing how to board the plane in or­der: The let­ter on your board­ing pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The num­ber un­der­neath stands for the amount of mon­ey you could save by switch­ing to GE­ICO.

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Fre­quent Fly­er