Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

$50 Says Mo Would Take That Scarecrow Out

Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other’s eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, “Rock on, I’m in a death cage!” And Maureen Dowd would be like, “Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?”

–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A

Because Obama Totally Seems Like the Type Of Guy Who Listens to Rap

Obese black man #1 playing loud obscene rap song: What she looking at? (points to two old Russian women at the front of bus) Man, these white people. Don’t they know this is a free fuckin’ country?
Obese black man #2: Yeah, I’m tellin you, now that Obama’s elected, white people are gonna know what the fuck’s up.

–Q63 Bus

Overheard by: filemeunder

The Country Wakes Up with a Sore Ass and a Bad Taste in Its Mouth

Girl: Isn’t Rumsfeld gay? I mean, isn’t he, like, a known closet queen?
Queer: I don’t… Is he? Is my ‘dar off?
Girl: I think so.
Queer: No, I don’t. I can’t imagine any gay man would be self-hating enough to fuck Donald Rumsfeld.
Girl: Oh, please. Gay men have been self-hating enough to kill other gay men.
Queer: Yeah, but killing someone and fucking Rumsfeld are two very different things.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: I’d rather kill someone

Hitler Did Kinda Focus on That One Star, Though…

College kid #1: …and the astrologers are having to completely change their predictions because Pluto’s not a planet anymore.
College kid #2: That’s crazy.
Random guy: Don’t make fun of astrology. Hitler took astrology seriously. So did Ronald Reagan. And kings and queens.

–1 train, 116th St

Overheard by: bluekale
Headline by: wiggity 

Runners-Up:
· “Actually, The Queens Only Follow the Movements of Uranus” — Johnny B
· “Astrologists Predict Random Man Wearing Jack Boots Will Disembowel 2 College Kids” — dante mcnasty
· “I Thought Ronald Reagan Got Rid of All the Queens” — C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stupidity Was in Retrograde…” — tm78
· “Nostradumbass Lives On” — kathy
· “Pluto Is Just a Mickey Mouse Planet” — Elliott Sperber
· “Taurus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Corner. Also, You Will Invade Poland.” — Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Program Was About?” — Tom Dorey

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled

Professor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (silence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that obviously you don’t know?

–NYU Law School

Overheard by: Ames

Professor: My favorite words to hear are “just do nothing.” My second favorites are “open bar.”

–College of Mount Saint Vincent, Bronx

Environmental history professor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a hotel of Chicago Thanksgiving dinner from 1872: loin of buffalo, antelope steak in mushroom sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of mountain sheep, buffalo tongue… Miss Palin, your table is ready.

–Classroom, Fordham University

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Linguistics professor, about Spanish-speaking families who live in Spanish-speaking neighborhoods: The only English these people hear is from their landlords and social workers.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Latka Hero

NYU professor: So we’re going to be walking, and you’ll notice I walk pretty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re supposed to walk like you know exactly where you’re going in life and nothing is in your way. Because if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, people.

–NYU Classroom

Russian literature professor: Oh my god, you just totally missed the point of Jesus!

–NYU Classroom