Archive for the ‘Poop’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Spell It “Am­i­nals”

Reg­u­lar Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman: …Then they gave him en­e­mas un­til it ran clear. Now he has­n’t had a move­ment in three days. Should I be wor­ried?

–Sub­way

Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the up­stairs bath­room.

–44th & 3rd

Am­bigu­ous­ly gay ac­tor: Flow­ers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Over­heard by: a girl who poops

Fresh­man chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.

–Re­stroom, Hunter Col­lege

Cheru­bic blonde chick to an­oth­er: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Suit-in-train­ing: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I for­got.

–NYU Stern Build­ing

Guy wait­ing for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We got­ta go out here!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: KeeZ

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need a Pam­prin

Woman: When it’s a tam­pon, you can stick it any­where.

–59th St

Over­heard by: Rich

Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached in­to the toi­let and squeezed it to make sure it was­n’t a ba­by…

–13th & Broad­way

20-Some­thing chick: My shit bled like it’s nev­er bled be­fore.

–El­e­va­tor, 57th & 6th

Over­heard by: Matt

Mul­let­ed queer: Imag­ine if Vir­ginia Slims de­signed a tam­pon!–Bush­wick, Brook­lynOver­heard by: ‘nuther black char­lie chap­lin

Cre­ative ge­nius: Just imag­ine if I had a tam­pon gun!

–St. Mark’s

Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go hand­ing out san­i­tary nap­kins to every­one!

–15th & Union Square East

Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was go­ing for it, and I was like, “No, ba­by, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it to­day,” and he was like, “Aww, then noth­ing for a whole week!”

–CVS, 58th & 9th

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

If Every­body You Meet Is a Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Check the Mir­ror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Er­ic’s an ass­hole, but he’s like… my ass­hole.

–11th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Z

Man on cell: I en­joy suck­ing the wind out of ass­holes.

–Brook­lyn Pub­lic House

Over­heard by: In fair­ness, the con­ver­sa­tion was about ver­bal bul­lies

Girl: Wow, my ass­hole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four dif­fer­ent bath­rooms on this floor and the one up, so I would­n’t suf­fer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Of­fice, Mid­town

Loud dude: My ass­hole is re­al­ly fuck­ing itchy!

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: ur­banad­ven­tur­er

Crazy hobo: At­ten­tion every­one! You’re all ass­holes! Stu­pid ass­holes!!

–Park Row, near Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: Hol­lis­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Shit You Not

Dad to two lit­tle kids: Hur­ry. Hur­ry! Dad­dy just crapped him­self!

–27th & 7th

Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sam­ple too many…

–In front of Brook­lyn Acad­e­my of Mu­sic

Over­heard by: TMI

Col­lege dude to girl­friend in loud whis­per: I took such a good shit to­day. [Girl­friend smiles and kiss­es him.]

–PATH sta­tion, 14th St

Over­heard by: Ab­by

Girl: So I woke up the next morn­ing, looked over, and there was a hu­man shit a foot away from my head.

–Pu­ri­ty Din­er, Park Slope

Guy: That Mary Pop­pins… she’s a spoon­ful of shit!

–Times Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a the­o­ry: they just throw the horse­shit over the wall.

–Cen­tral Park South

Over­heard by: mar­ijke

Jew­ish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amaz­ing this chair is. It gives great lum­bar sup­port. You will be jeal­ous and then you will poop from jeal­ousy… But you bet­ter not poop on my chair.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Woman on cell: Hon­ey, but they were poop­ing all over the deck and hit­ting each oth­er with shov­els!

–West Vil­lage

NYU stu­dent to moth­er: You can’t re­al­ly get a good din­ner in this town for un­der ten dollars…well, you can…but you’ll just poop it out lat­er.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(moth­er no­tices tod­dler’s soiled di­a­per, says some­thing to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Tod­dler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaai­it, can I walk, so my poop does­n’t get squashed?

–Bed­ford & 5th

20-some­thing guy to friend: You need fe­ces? I can pro­vide!

–Broad­way & 12th

Over­heard by: eli­jah

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Won’t Re­mem­ber This To­mor­row

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls for­ward, taps stranger on fore­head.] her­ro! Any­body home?! [laughs hys­ter­i­cal­ly].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck tech­nol­o­gy, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fin­gered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk prep­py busi­ness­man: Just tell her to put the oil in the noo­dles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: volup­tuous­grl

Drunk girl in the bath­room, pick­ing up plas­tic bag from the garbage: Whose ba­by is this?!?!

–Madi­son Square Gar­den Bath­room

Keep Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er in Your Pants, Dude

Prep­py guy: This may be the last thing I say with my pe­nis at­tached, but…

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Hunter

Girl on cell: Well, I mean… his pe­nis is re­al­ly im­por­tant here, if his is bet­ter I’ll take him!

–26th St & Lex­ing­ton Ave

Over­heard by: your mom

Asian guy: Every­one else was on the floor. Every­one had a pe­nis in their face.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Girl on cell: All I’m say­ing is: don’t jump on the first pe­nis that comes along!

–Broad­way

Boss, about weightlift­ing: My gen­i­tals were so in­vert­ed I used to crap my pe­nis.

–5th Ave

Teacher: There are about six eu­phemisms for “pe­nis” in the first scene!

–Ju­nior High School

Over­heard by: gaby­gril­lz