Archive for the ‘Pope’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m se­ri­ous, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and mas­tur­bat­ing burns a lot of calo­ries, too.

–Brook­lyn

Very up­set drunk hobo, af­ter con­duc­tor an­nounces last stop: Your kickin’ all these peo­ple out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowl­ing Green Sta­tion

Street dancer: Every­one on earth was born as a re­sult of an or­gasm. Every­one mas­tur­bates. And if they say they don’t, they’re ly­ing. Even the Pope mas­tur­bates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throw­ing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Ass­hole mas­tur­bat­ed in my tea!

–Out­side Star­bucks

Teen thug: I wan­na plea­sure my­self while writ­ing an es­say, what’s the prob­lem with that?

–Q Train

Over­heard by: Robert G.

If On­ly He Could See What He Was Say­ing

A blind Black man with a Star of David is hold­ing court.

Black man: The Pope is a fag­got. They mo­lest­ed my kids. I want to go to church, but I can’t be­cause they mo­lest­ed my kids…now all White peo­ple are fag­gots.
His­pan­ic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Si­lence, you will wait un­til I have fin­ished speaking…can’t no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That’s why we all in prison and they try­ing to kill us, but we will kill them. Can’t no­body sing like Luther Van­dross.
His­pan­ic guy #1: But–
Black man: Wait un­til I have finished…now the His­pan­ic peo­ple, like Do­mini­cans and Cubans are al­so the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel…now you may ad­dress me.
His­pan­ic guy #2: What about Black Puer­to Ri­cans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can’t stand Black Puer­to Ri­cans!

–West Farms bus stop, The Bronx

Hell is…Other Stat­en Is­land Peo­ple

Woman: Yeah, he was a “client”.
Man #1: The Pope?
Woman: Yeah! Lots of times.
Man #2: Oops…no, I’m not say­ing it…I’m go­ing to hell.
Woman: What? No, now you got­ta tell me.
Man #2: Uh, was he good?…you know…with the Parkinson’s…sorta like a built-in vi­bra­tor. Did he have the Michael J. Fox thing go­ing on? BVVVVT!
Man #1: Oh no!
Woman: Oh my God! You are go­ing to hell.
Man #2: And you’re not? You fucked the Pope!

–Tot­tenville, Stat­en Is­land