Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Port Authority’ Category

To­day, Wednes­day One-Lin­er Is a Woman.

Girl on cell: It just… It’s not like it sucks. (pause) It just sucks, ya know? I mean, I had my pe­ri­od this morn­ing, and I just wan­na get high.

–Bor­ough of Man­hat­tan Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege

Over­heard by: 447ght

Cus­tomer, buy­ing two packs of Ko­tex: Next time you or­der these, you should get the kind with de­odor­ant. It re­al­ly makes a dif­fer­ence!

–112th St & St. Nicholas

Guy on cell: Dude! Guys don’t PMS!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: al­lie

Girl #1: I once made a Na­tiv­i­ty from fem­i­nine prod­ucts. (awk­ward si­lence) They weren’t used, though…

–Barnard

Over­heard by: Brook­lyn

You Know They’d Cook With Tran­sub­stan­ti­at­ed Fats

20 year-old guy: What if the af­ter­life and hell ex­ists? I mean if it does, there has to be a so­ci­ety be­cause bil­lions of peo­ple would be there by now.
Friend: Yeah…
20 year-old: So that’s a lot of peo­ple, like a so­ci­ety has to emerge since there can’t be that many demons and tor­tur­ers. You would have like a Mc­Don­ald’s and peo­ple work­ing there. (pause) But you could be work­ing there, and it could be every day for an eter­ni­ty.
Friends: That’s so much worse than hell.

–New Jer­sey Tran­sit, Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal

Wher­ev­er Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go, There They Are

Man on cell: I’m at the bad Du­ane Reade right now… Yeah, the one on 14th street…I know that’s the good one, but it’s in dan­ger zone.

–Du­ane Reade, 14th & 3rd

Over­heard by: not in dan­ger zone

Girl on cell: I’m in like the Mid­dle East some­where… Where are you?

–56th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: dnuggets

Hip­ster on cell: No, I swear to god I am not in Mon­tre­al!

–Out­side Al­li­ga­tor Lounge, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: miles

La­dy yelling in­to pay phone, by plat­form: I’m in Yonkers! I’m right by the train!

–W 242 & Broad­way, Bronx

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na

Har­ried guy in suit on his cell: Yeah well, I’m at the Port Authority…I hear this is where the bus­es leave from.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Jo­Bell

Scream­ing man on pay phone: Yo ‑I told yo ass to meet me on 33rd and 5th. I be standin’ here and you ain’t here. [Pause.] What the fuck do you mean!? I be on da cor­ner wait­ing for yo ass for the past fifty min­utes. I on­ly get an hour for lunch. Now you gone and messed up my day cuz yo ass ain’t show up. [Paus­es, speaks more calm­ly.] I’m on da cor­ner of 33rd and 5th. [Scream­ing again.] Don’t tell me yo ain’t see me! I’m stand­ing right here!

–35th & Madi­son

What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers)

Drunk-look­ing girl on cell: … And I just re­ceived a post­card of butts! Things are look­ing up!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

An­gry soc­cer mom: Who­ev­er has his or her hand on my ass, you bet­ter be one of my kids.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass stri­a­tions?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Col­lege girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Need­less to say, my ass cleared every sur­face he had in that room. Twice.

–Down­town B Train

Over­heard by: Po­la

Tall guy on cell: Lis­ten, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you got­ta do is pull out a cam­era. They drop their panties in a sec­ond, at least that’s what I tell the com­mit­tee.

–Star­bucks, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ ma­ma’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Over­heard by: Tina K

The Joy Luck Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

20-some­thing guy on cell: I’m sure she wants to cas­trate me. (pause) Re­mem­ber her Asian friend, well… (pause) Yeah, I hit that. (pause, then un­con­trol­lable laugh) I gots the yel­low fever!

–59th St & 11th

Chi­nese broth­er to sis­ter: All Asians get off at this stop. (look­ing out win­dow) See? They’re all Asian. (pause) Oh, wait, there’s one Eng­lish guy.

–Grand Street Stop, D Train

Over­heard by: Justin W

Asian girl on cell: You know how peo­ple say all Asians look the same? Well, I re­al­ized some­thing to­day. All white peo­ple look the same to me–I hon­est­ly can’t tell them apart!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

20-some­thing Asian girl on cell, in per­fect Amer­i­can Eng­lish: So, I just got wel­comed to Amer­i­ca for the sec­ond time to­day. Are my clothes that… (with dis­gust) Asian?

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: Red­Shikari

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Col­lect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re sup­posed to like be­ing in­car­cer­at­ed.

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: mkb

Mid­dle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn my­self in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this cour­t­house…

–Gi­ants Pa­rade, in Front of the Cour­t­house

Over­heard by: Ju­lian

Guy on phone: We re­al­ly got our­selves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out soon­er for good be­hav­ior. We should have nev­er got­ten in­volved.

–JFK Air­port

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Mi­ran­da rights, bitch! I will ar­rest you!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Wom­en’s Bath­room

Over­heard by: un­sure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t un­der­stand, miss. That is per­jury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not lis­ten­ing to me. I would be ar­rest­ed. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to cus­tomers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U‑Haul

No Wednes­day One-Lin­ers in the Cham­pagne Room

Soc­cer mom: In two weeks, my knit­ting cir­cle’s go­ing to the strip club.

–28th & Lex

Girl: I want to be­come a strip­per so that I can see Pat­ti LuPone in Gyp­sy every night.

–St. James The­atre

Over­heard by: Erin

Loud NYU chick: Lis­ten to the open­ing gui­tar riff of Voodoo child. It makes you want to be a strip­per!

–Bob­st Li­brary

Over­heard by: evil em

Six-year-old boy to par­ents: Oohh! Zom­bie strip­pers! Let’s see that!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Every Hunter Longs to Be­come the Hunt­ed

Teenage girl: So I’m get­ting bet­ter at hook­ing up with guys and not get­ting at­tached! I hooked up with Jake last week, and I don’t feel any­thing at all!
Friend: Yeah, but that’s not hard. He’s, like, im­pos­si­ble to get at­tached to. We need to find you a chal­lenge. Who’s re­al­ly cute and cud­dly?
Ran­dom old man walk­ing in front of them: Pick me, pick me!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: cute and cud­dly

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Blame Their Moth­ers

CC­NY stu­dent: I’ve al­ways thought he has psy­cho­log­i­cal prob­lems. (pause) Like, he’s one of those peo­ple that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hall­way, CC­NY

Over­heard by: la­dyliv­er

Suit on cell: She is try­ing to get a good ed­u­ca­tion so that she can pay for ther­a­py lat­er on.

–1250 Broad­way

Loud male cus­tomer count­ing out pack­ets of chew­ing to­bac­co: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can’t seem to live my life. Ker­mit is my shrink, so of course I’m screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Kiri

Dude hang­ing up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jew­ish girls need ther­a­py.

–Good Stuff Din­er, 14th St

Over­heard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you ei­ther get help, or you’re nor­mal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be nor­mal. Damn.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Sarah

His­to­ry teacher to class: Does that make you un­com­fort­able? Be­cause I know I’m men­tal.

–Bronx High School of Sci­ence

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

…But Then We’d Be Late for Our Spa Ap­point­ment. So­phie’s Choice!

Creepy dude, walk­ing up to two col­lege kids: Hey, you guys look pret­ty smart, can I ask you a ques­tion?
Col­lege guy: Uh, we can’t um… help you.
Creepy dude: I’m not ask­ing for mon­ey, I just have a ques­tion. So if some­one like, is an ac­com­plice in a kid­nap­ping, are they just as li­able as the per­son who did the ac­tu­al kid­nap­ping?
Col­lege guy: I think it de­pends.
Creepy dude: Great! Thanks. (creepy dude walks away)
Col­lege chick: Is this one of those, “if you see some­thing, say some­thing” mo­ments? Maybe we should call a popo.

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg