Archive for the ‘Preggers’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Un­fil­tered.

Chick on cell, not vis­i­bly preg­nant: I’m hav­ing a c‑section and a cig­a­rette.

–Sim­ply Nat­ur­al, 43rd & 10th

Over­heard by: Pleased

Re­cur­rent drunk­ard to bar: I’m not a smok­er! I’m a lib­er­tar­i­an, for fuck­’s sake!

–Pe­ter Mc­Man­nus Pub

LIRR con­duc­tor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Ad­di­tion­al­ly, tonight marks the first night of Kwan­zaa, and in the spir­it of Kwan­zaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the fi­nal warn­ing: if you are smok­ing, you will be eject­ed at the next con­ve­nient stop. Al­so, no throw­ing up is al­lowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the con­ve­nient­ly-lo­cat­ed bath­rooms, or on your­selves. Again, mer­ry Kwan­zaa.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Jen­na K

NYU girl: Do you have a cig­a­rette to ease my cough?

–Wa­ver­ly & Mer­cer

Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smok­ers.

–172nd St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

Holy Crap, Some­one Please Tape That Call

Thug kid: When are you hav­ing that damn ba­by?
Preg­gers: I was due last week and I want a C‑section but the doc­tor said we should­n’t do it yet.
Thug kid: I’­ma call that doc­tor to­mor­row and tell him to take that nig­ga out.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: An­tho­ny Am­i­co

Wednes­day’s Great With One-Lin­ers

Eight-year-old girl, singing: Fat lips, big lips, get your preg­nant lips here!

–6 Train

Out-of-breath man on steps: Okay, man, breathe. Breathe like you’re hav­ing your first child!

–W4 Sub­way

Over­heard by: Keep Push­ing On!

Preg­nant woman on cell: So, yeah, I’m about 5 cen­time­ters di­lat­ed, so I’m go­ing to get a Tasti D‑Lite and then go to the hos­pi­tal.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Hot skin­ny, Asian girl to hot, skin­ny, blonde friends: So, am I go­ing to get preg­nant this month or what?

–57th & Park

Over­heard by: would have liked to help her

Girl on phone: Okay, so I got the preg­nan­cy test and the vod­ka. We’ll see which one wins.

–6 Train

I Can’t Wait Not to Have One of My Own

Chick #1: Dude, every­one’s pop­ping out ba­bies these days. JLo, TomKat, Brit­ney. It’s like they’re the new fuck­ing ac­ces­so­ry.
Chick #2: Yeah, who wants a fuck­ing ba­by any­way? You just turn in­to a fa­tass with stretch marks and sag­gy tits with a scream­ing in­fant who no one wants to be around.
Very preg­nant pas­sen­ger: I’m due in two weeks.
Chick #1: Aww! Is it a boy or a girl?

–F train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want An­geli­na Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to an­oth­er: So I said to him, “Mutha­fuc­ka, don’t you know a ba­by comes out of that shit? Ain’t noth­ing you got down there gonna hurt me!”

–Ful­ton St

Old man with thick Russ­ian ac­cent: It is fresh­er than a baby’s bot­tom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brook­lyn

Ghet­to black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I’m out now, and she’s tryin’ to say it’s my ba­by, but that shit ain’t mine.

–Down­town 2 Train

Man on cell, pass­ing adorable child play­ing with dog: I love fuck­ing ba­bies!

–10th & 53rd

Puer­to Ri­can girl to preg­nant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that’s just the ba­by.

–36th St & 34th Ave, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Bryan Bruner

Con­duc­tor: Ma’am, please step off the ramp plat­form and wait un­til it is safe. (pause) Miss, you’re hav­ing a frickin’ ba­by, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Over­heard by: Theon­ly­onewhoseemedtono­tice

Teenage moth­er to friends, run­ning to catch sub­way: Last one gets the ba­by!

–Broad­way

Over­heard by: Fran­cis­co S. Ramírez