Archive for the ‘President’ Category

Sad­ly Not Be­yond the Realm of Pos­si­bil­i­ty

Kid press­es call but­ton on com­muter hot­line phone.

Fa­ther: Why did you do that?
Son: I’m sor­ry. I did­n’t know what it was.
Fa­ther: If you do that again the po­lice will ar­rest you.
Son: Re­al­ly?
Fa­ther: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Fa­ther: He will kill you and put your pic­ture on the Wall of Mem­o­ries [Ground Ze­ro fea­ture].

–World Trade Cen­ter PATH sta­tion

About 999,999 in a Mil­lion New York­ers, to Be Ex­act

Dad: The first pres­i­dent was George Wash­ing­ton, then John Adams, then Thomas Jef­fer­son, then James Madi­son, then–
Lit­tle girl: –Who’s the last pres­i­dent?
Dad: The pres­i­dent now? George W. Bush.
Lit­tle girl: I thought he was dead.
Dad: No… Some peo­ple want him to be.

–B1 bus

Over­heard by: Jen­nifer

Amer­i­ca Runs on Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Thug: I love you be­cause when I’m with you I feel like I’m Barack Oba­ma and you’re Hillary Clin­ton.

–N Train

All-black-wear­ing chick with cig­a­rette: Do you ever find your­self think­ing re­al­ly con­ser­v­a­tive thoughts by ac­ci­dent?

–Out­side In­ter­na­tion­al Af­fairs Build­ing, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Sub­way crazy: Rip Torn for pres­i­dent! Den­ny McLain for Sec­re­tary of State!

–Up­town 6 Train

Girl with ba­by in her arms: You know, he taped an Oba­ma poster on his door and I was like, “Oh no, you did­n’t put that up.” ’cause he don’t know noth­ing about pol­i­tics. Hell, he a felon…he can’t even vote.

–East Vil­lage Ur­ban Out­fit­ters

Five-year-old boy point­ing at a side­walk mur­al of Hillary and Oba­ma: Mom, look, Hillary! (long pause) And some guy.

–106th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kip

Grumpy old man: Things have been go­ing down­hill since the Wil­son ad­min­is­tra­tion.

–70th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: De­vot­ed Pup­py

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call Them­selves “Pub­li­cists”

An­nounc­er dude: Peo­ple, get the Au­dio Guide! If you don’t you’ll end up up there think­ing, ‘I should have lis­tened to that hand­some, well-spo­ken man down­stairs.’ You’ll be beat­ing your­self for not buy­ing the Au­dio Guide. And I don’t need that on my con­science.

–Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: George Carsto­cea

Dai­ly News hawk­er: Sign up here for your free sub­scrip­tion to the Dai­ly News! [Mut­ter­ing] We’ll screw you lat­er.

–Out­side Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Mrs. Met

Guy sell­ing com­e­dy show tick­ets: Come on, have a tick­et. If you don’t I’ll stalk you on your My­Space page!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Punkgr­rl

Top of the Rock pro­mot­er guy: Yeah, it’s sup­posed to be, like, the best view or what­ev­er of, uh, I don’t know… [Calls to fel­low pro­mot­er] Yo, man, you ever been up there?

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Fly­er dude: See the naked cow­boy on stage! Suck­ing cock!

–46th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

Guy sell­ing news­pa­pers: New York Post here! Dai­ly News here! [He’s ig­nored.] New York Post here! Dai­ly News! [Still ig­nored.] George Bush wins the lot­tery! [Still ig­nored.]

–33rd & 7th

Com­e­dy club pro­mot­er: Peo­ple, you got­ta come tonight, be­cause if you don’t my boss is gonna kill me! I work for the mafia!

–Times Square

What’s a Nice Wednes­day Like You Do­ing in a One-Lin­er Like This?

Creep­ster to woman with child en­ter­ing train: You can sit here. There’s no rea­son to be stand­ing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much bet­ter when you were stand­ing.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got to­geth­er, we could make the next Oba­ma.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagi­na Whis­per­er.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brook­lyn

Guy hit­ting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do some­thing weird… I’ll pour hon­ey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the clos­et and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour but­ter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the but­ter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Old­er fat man yelling at at­trac­tive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beau­ti­ful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broad­way & Hewes, Brook­lyn

Hitler Did Kin­da Fo­cus on That One Star, Though…

Col­lege kid #1: …and the as­trologers are hav­ing to com­plete­ly change their pre­dic­tions be­cause Plu­to’s not a plan­et any­more.
Col­lege kid #2: That’s crazy.
Ran­dom guy: Don’t make fun of as­trol­o­gy. Hitler took as­trol­o­gy se­ri­ous­ly. So did Ronald Rea­gan. And kings and queens.

–1 train, 116th St

Over­heard by: bluekale
Head­line by: wig­gi­ty

Run­ners-Up:
· “Ac­tu­al­ly, The Queens On­ly Fol­low the Move­ments of Uranus” — John­ny B
· “As­trol­o­gists Pre­dict Ran­dom Man Wear­ing Jack Boots Will Dis­em­bow­el 2 Col­lege Kids” — dante mc­nasty
· “I Thought Ronald Rea­gan Got Rid of All the Queens” — C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stu­pid­i­ty Was in Ret­ro­grade…” — tm78
· “Nos­trad­um­bass Lives On” — kathy
· “Plu­to Is Just a Mick­ey Mouse Plan­et” — El­liott Sper­ber
· “Tau­rus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Cor­ner. Al­so, You Will In­vade Poland.” — Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Pro­gram Was About?” — Tom Dorey

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