Archive for the ‘President’ Category

What’s a Nice Wednes­day Like You Do­ing in a One-Lin­er Like This?

Creep­ster to woman with child en­ter­ing train: You can sit here. There’s no rea­son to be stand­ing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much bet­ter when you were stand­ing.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got to­geth­er, we could make the next Oba­ma.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagi­na Whis­per­er.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brook­lyn

Guy hit­ting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do some­thing weird… I’ll pour hon­ey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the clos­et and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour but­ter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the but­ter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Old­er fat man yelling at at­trac­tive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beau­ti­ful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broad­way & Hewes, Brook­lyn

Hitler Did Kin­da Fo­cus on That One Star, Though…

Col­lege kid #1: …and the as­trologers are hav­ing to com­plete­ly change their pre­dic­tions be­cause Plu­to’s not a plan­et any­more.
Col­lege kid #2: That’s crazy.
Ran­dom guy: Don’t make fun of as­trol­o­gy. Hitler took as­trol­o­gy se­ri­ous­ly. So did Ronald Rea­gan. And kings and queens.

–1 train, 116th St

Over­heard by: bluekale
Head­line by: wig­gi­ty

Run­ners-Up:
· “Ac­tu­al­ly, The Queens On­ly Fol­low the Move­ments of Uranus” — John­ny B
· “As­trol­o­gists Pre­dict Ran­dom Man Wear­ing Jack Boots Will Dis­em­bow­el 2 Col­lege Kids” — dante mc­nasty
· “I Thought Ronald Rea­gan Got Rid of All the Queens” — C.J.
· “Just When I Had Heard That Stu­pid­i­ty Was in Ret­ro­grade…” — tm78
· “Nos­trad­um­bass Lives On” — kathy
· “Plu­to Is Just a Mick­ey Mouse Plan­et” — El­liott Sper­ber
· “Tau­rus: Keep Your Wits About You, as True Love Is Around the Cor­ner. Al­so, You Will In­vade Poland.” — Jim C.
· “What Did You Think the Star Wars Pro­gram Was About?” — Tom Dorey

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Don’t Un­der­stand the Cau­cus Sys­tem

Bleach-blonde: I would to­tal­ly vote for Mc­Cain if Mi­ley Cyrus were his run­ning mate.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: De­mo­c­rat

Woman: Oh, I am def­i­nite­ly a sin­gle-is­sue vot­er. And right now, that is­sue is: Which one of the can­di­dates can get me to a bath­room soon­est?

–7th Av­enue, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Chuck­ell

Drunk hobo to a group of pi­geons: And they’re all De­moc­rats. Can’t trust them De­moc­rats.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Young African Amer­i­can woman speak­ing an­i­mat­ed­ly on cell: … Vice pres­i­dent? Why should I run for Vice Pres­i­dent, I’m do­ing bet­ter than you, bitch! “Dream tick­et!” That’s why I hate white lib­er­als. They don’t know when they’re fucked up. Re­pub­li­cans don’t give a shit about you, but they know it.

–124th St, Harlem

Drunk wheel­bo, shout­ing across the en­tire fer­ry ter­mi­nal: Hillary, Hillary, she’s our man! If she can’t do it, no one can!

–White­hall Fer­ry Ter­mi­nal

La­dy on cell: When you done turn Gov­er­nor, you can’t play dat shit…

–As­so­ci­at­ed Su­per­mar­ket, Myr­tle Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: PdQ

What’s So Great Aboot Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Eh?

Man on sub­way, about to ex­it: Oba­ma, Is­lam, Cana­da. Oba­ma, in Is­lam, and Cana­da. (ex­its train)

–Down­town D Train

Over­heard by: katiekaty­did

Thug to tourists: How do you say “thank you” in Cana­di­an?

–34th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Flu­ent in Cana­di­an

Stu­dent: I’m so sick and tired of your Cana­di­an con­de­scen­sion.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Crazy Brook­lynite at a pay­phone: The Queen owns every­thing! She owns Eu­rope, she owns Africa, and she owns Cana­da! The one thing she does­n’t own is the US. So could some­body give me a US quar­ter for a Cana­di­an quar­ter?

–Broad­way & 8th St

Ditzy blonde to an­oth­er: Do we look Cana­di­an?

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Holls