Archive for the ‘Prison’ Category

…In the 1800s

Girl: Oh my god, I just found out that my high school dra­ma teacher has been sleep­ing with the kid who’s the star in all of the shows.
Boy: Shit!
Girl: Yeah, I heard they’re both in jail now or some­thing.
Boy: That’s like the time that fam­i­ly in my town had those slaves.

–Crowd­ed El­e­va­tor, NYU

Over­heard by: con­fused

The Dark­er Side of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Woman: You need to swim as much as pos­si­ble to keep the evil away.

–River­bank State Park

Guy: Don’t they have a spe­cial sec­tion for peo­ple in jail?

–Hall­mark, 23rd Street

Over­heard by: nj

Grand­fa­ther: If you don’t lis­ten, I’m nev­er tak­ing you any­place else dan­ger­ous again.

–Belvedere Cas­tle

Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I de­cid­ed it’s not okay for my kids to play with firearms any­more.

–4 train

Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.

–85th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri

Guy on cell: How should I know who’s go­ing to be there?…Why do you care who’s go­ing to be there? It’s a fu­ner­al, not a fuck­ing so­cial event.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Cia­ran

Woman on cell: Dude, I have a sha­gadel­ic au­ra, be­cause they fucked all night when they were here. That’s why I sold them.

–Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Se­le­nay

Suit: Man, I was up­state last week, fuck that clean air shit.

–62nd & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Tabitha

Guy: We’re all Cannabis. We get the chance, we’ll eat each oth­er.

–Ku­do Beans, 1st Av­enue

Queer: Oh, I for­got to fuck­ing tell you. I sold my soul for $150.

–Christo­pher Street

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers With Teardrop Tat­toos

Tall thug to an­oth­er: Yo,… I love jail food!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Nev­er had it

Dad to over­ly ex­cit­ed daugh­ter: Yes, you can tell your mom you went in the boun­cy cas­tle in front of the prison.

–At­lantic & Smith

Scream­ing four-year-old to mom: Are you go­ing to put me in jail?

–Q Train

Young moth­er to ba­by, pinch­ing his cheeks: Dad­dy’s in prison! Pris­on­pris­on­pris­on­pris­on­prison!

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: Giv­ing up all hope News­bun­ny

For Emi­ly, Wher­ev­er This Quote May Find Her

Guy on cell talk­ing loud­ly: Where the fuck are you, Emi­ly? (pause) Are you shop­ping? Don’t lie to me, Emi­ly! I will come over there and fuck­ing beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don’t care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your ly­ing ass around. (pause) You don’t buy me shit, Emi­ly. Do you buy me my un­der­wear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purs­es and shoes you have? Me!
Ran­dom Do­mini­can teenage girl: Damn, Emi­ly re­al­ly don’t buy him noth­ing.

–Lucky Star Bus

Over­heard by: chi­na­town bus trav­el­er

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Look Ter­ri­ble in Neon Or­ange

20-some­thing woman to man: You’ve nev­er been ar­rest­ed? I have nev­er met any­one that has not been ar­rest­ed!

–Le Char­lot Restau­rant, Up­per East Side

An­gry guy on cell: If you ever send e‑mail to my fam­i­ly again, I will wait out­side your apart­ment door! (pause) I got ar­rest­ed! I spent Thanks­giv­ing in jail!

–11th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mis­sPinkKate

Man in US Cor­rec­tion­al Ser­vices jack­et to an­oth­er look­ing around hec­ti­cal­ly in a large crowd: Make sure we don’t lose him!

–Penn Sta­tion

Chub­by well-dressed black dude to skin­ny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Miss­Mae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she’s like a young girl, and she’s dri­ving me nuts. It’s like al­ways a fight with her. I mean, she’s so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she’s a sweet­heart. I mean, she’s a good girl. So young. Like, we’ve been to­geth­er for 7 months and that ain’t noth­ing to me, but to her it’s a big deal. And I’m all like, shit, I’ve been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don’t know what she’s bitch­ing about. I don’t need her to make me mis­er­able. I can make my­self mis­er­able.

–Metro-North Train

Over­heard by: Meaghan

Fran Dresch­er sound-alike: What’s wrong with you? Don’t ap­plaud, I’m go­ing to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mull­ber­ry Street

Over­heard by: Adam Nathan

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Col­lect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re sup­posed to like be­ing in­car­cer­at­ed.

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: mkb

Mid­dle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn my­self in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this cour­t­house…

–Gi­ants Pa­rade, in Front of the Cour­t­house

Over­heard by: Ju­lian

Guy on phone: We re­al­ly got our­selves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out soon­er for good be­hav­ior. We should have nev­er got­ten in­volved.

–JFK Air­port

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Mi­ran­da rights, bitch! I will ar­rest you!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty Wom­en’s Bath­room

Over­heard by: un­sure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t un­der­stand, miss. That is per­jury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not lis­ten­ing to me. I would be ar­rest­ed. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to cus­tomers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U‑Haul