Archive for the ‘Private Parts’ Category

Jon Lovitz, Is That You Again?

Girl #1: Oh my gosh. I have to pee so bad. Do you think this restaurant will let me use their bathroom?
Girl #2: I don't know, why don't you ask?
Hobo, sunbathing in front of restaurant: Why, of course you may use the bathroom, young lady. But you will have to pay $5.
Girl #1: How do you know?
Hobo: Because this is my restaurant and I own this building.
Girl #2: I find that hard to believe.
Hobo: Look, you can believe me or not, but if you don't pay me the $5 fee, I'm going to expose my golden privates to you. Either way, I come out on top, you see?
Girl #2: Unbelievable! (walks away)
Hobo: Why, thank you.

–Times Square

The Audacity Of Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy, cutting in front of line at movie theater: Excuse me, Barack Obama is President now. Thank you.

–AMC Movie Theater

Overheard by: Emmy

Man with hand stuck in bus door to bus driver: We got a black President and you actin' like this? You civil service!

–14D Bus

Sketching Jamaican hobo: Obama is some kinda skateboard.

–Shuttle to Times Square

Subway hobo: How come Obama don't have sex with his wife no more? Because every time she opens her legs, he sees bush!

–1 Train

Man to toddler in his arms: That's Obama. He's gonna save us all from doom! From doom!

–University & 12th St

May/December Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Man, this old dyke is digging on me, but I want some penis
these days.

–3rd between B & C

Guy: Man, old pussy is the best! She has 50 years of dick sucking experience.

–124th & Manhattan

Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer

Queer on cell: Ever since I lost my hair I’ve had 20 year olds chasing me around like I’m an ice cream cone.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Squatporpoise

Girl: Oh yeah, that guy you saw me with Sunday? He lets me watch him have sex with boys.

–NYU School of social work

Overheard by: Maggie

Cue the Least Romantic Song Ever

Thug #1: Kelly Bundy’s dancing on Broadway.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheelchair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I’d break her clit if I had the chance.

–F train

Girl: If I hear another show tune out of context I think I’m going to vomit. Physically vomit. You know that feeling?
Guy: Uh, no.

–42nd between 9th & 10th

Boys Don't Wednesday One-Liner

Mom to small children: Well, we all have parts. And these parts talk to our bodies and tell us we are a boy or a girl. And sometimes these parts get confused.

–Washington Square East

20-something girl to male friend: You're a dirty girl! You're a dirty girl! You're a dirty girl!

–N Train

Overheard by: TR

Mother to gender-transitioning son, questioning plans for surgery: Are you a boy trapped in a girl's body? I'm getting a face lift, and it's because I'm a young person trapped in an old person's body.

–39th & 9th

Man in yellow and green track suit and aviator sunglasses: Nah, I can't go. That's when I'm having my breast reduction.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Ems

Teenage boy: I don't wanna be on that block, son! I know too many trannies on that block!

–Bedford & Grove

Overheard by: How many is too many?

Guy on cell, leaving message: Hello, Dave. This is your mother.

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Teen boy: Fear me, I have vaginitis!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Jingles