Archive for the ‘Private Parts’ Category

Para­praxic Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy: I had to swal­low… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The oth­er week­end I caught Jack­’s sausage!

–Du­ane Reed, Jack­son Heights
Queens

Over­heard by: Mrs. LeClair

Girl, on fire­fight­ers pack­ing equip­ment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Cus­tomer: If I’m go­ing to pay 20 dol­lars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me some­thing to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: mad­nyc

One moth­er to an­oth­er, both push­ing strollers: He just won’t suck on any­thing else!

–5th Ave be­tween 8th & 9th St
Park Slope

Over­heard by: Wank­rupt

Dad in­struct­ing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up in­to your mouth.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s re­al­ly a lake called Tit­ty Ca­Ca!

–8th Ave &16th St

Is It Sick That I Wednes­day on Their One-Lin­ers?

Guy on phone: It’s prob­a­bly some­thing be­yond the bes­tial­i­ty in why you did­n’t get hired.

–4th & Lafayette

Over­heard by: andy

Dis­em­bod­ied voice in crowd: Necrophil­ia, re­al­ly?

–Times Square

Man: The thing is: my safe­ty word is “No, hard­er, hard­er.”

–NY Com­ic Con

Girl: No, se­ri­ous­ly, my par­ents used to have like a har­ness and a leash for me, be­cause I used to run away in the air­port all the time.

–Ford­ham Law School

Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Over­heard by: Will

Guy: Great. She does­n’t even know me and al­ready she thinks I have a pro­duce fetish.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Hunter (aka,

Hey, Kiss My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Drunk guy: Ex­cuse me, Miss, I’m askin’… I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!

–8th Ave & W 55th St

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

Cana­di­an guy: The first kiss’ll be at the al­tar.

–Up­town 6 train

Loud­mouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kiss­ing her, and then I like, just start­ed danc­ing with her. We were danc­ing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin’ awe­some kiss­er.

–NYU

Over­heard by: lucy in the sky with di­a­monds

Girl on cell: I can’t re­mem­ber the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?

–43rd & Lex

Ghet­to chick leav­ing af­ter fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it’s bleed­ing, like you used to.

–Wash­ing­ton Heights

Girl on cell: He said he would­n’t leave un­til I kissed him… so I kissed him while I was on the toi­let!

–115th St & Man­hat­tan Ave

Over­heard by: Melis­sa Berry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Suit Up

Suit on cell: I ex­pect­ed pus, but it’s got lit­tle black specks in it.

–Pel­ham Bay Park, the Bronx

Over­heard by: HelenA.Handbasket

Suit: When I said “fairy tale” I meant like Moth­er Goose–not Miss Dirty Mar­ti­ni!

–F train

Over­heard by: brain­curve

Suit #1 to suit #2: Oh sure, I’ve got a source. I can get you a kid­ney, no prob­lem.

–Madi­son Square Park

Fe­male suit on cell: I don’t think you’re hear­ing what I’m say­ing. I think you’re in a very nag­ging place right now.

–Du­ane & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rich Mintz

Mid­dle-Aged suit: Boo­bies boo­bies boo­bies. Boo­bies boo­bies boo­bies…

–41st & 8th

Suit on cell: So there’s gonna be to­tal chaos on Sep­tem­ber 14th, but that’s all we have planned so far.

–Church St

Over­heard by: Dara

Suit: My goal in life is to one day sue some­one.

–A train

Over­heard by: LSB

Drunk, Or Still Emerg­ing from the Anes­the­sia?

Con­duc­tor: May I see your tick­et, please?
Drunk tran­ny: I al­ready showed my tick­et.
Con­duc­tor: Yes, but you haven’t showed it to me.
Drunk tran­ny: What the fuck? I al­ready showed my damn tick­et.
Con­duc­tor: OK, calm down. Just show me your tick­et, please… I’ll come back for it to give you a minute to find it.
Drunk tran­ny: You are prob­a­bly a leather queen. I pay $16,000 for a cunt and this is the dis­re­spect I get. I am fuck­ing chang­ing cars.

–Long Beach bound LIRR