Archive for the ‘Prostitutes’ Category

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Mid­dle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Pros­ti­tute: Don’t wor­ry, I nev­er have.

–81st & Am­s­ter­dam
Head­line by: Sean

· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — In­g­wall
· “Any Ex­tra Charge For the Lip Ser­vice?” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “He Was Look­ing For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Pun­ished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Con­dom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Con­sid­ered ‘Mid­dle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Par­ents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Con­dom. She’s Been Test­ed, Too” — Andy Adele­witz
· “Take Your Fa­ther to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Pub­lic)” — Heather
· “They Were Talk­ing About Their Braces.” — Al­li­son

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Do Any­thing but Kiss on the Mouth

Woman: Yeah, but just be­cause you can play a dy­ing crack­whore in Rent, that does­n’t mean that you can play a dy­ing crack­whore in Les Mis — they’re two dif­fer­ent kinds of whores!

–Broad­hurst The­atre

Co­lum­bia chick: Yeah, I’d be the Moth­er There­sa of pros­ti­tutes.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Cou­ple ar­gu­ing on the street: You want to talk about the truth, fine — let’s talk about the truth! What about that time I found you up­stairs in our apart­ment smok­ing crack with that pros­ti­tute?

–2nd Ave & E 5th St

Over­heard by: Awestruck Iowan

Girl: Well, of course I’m mad… She’s tak­ing my pimp from me!


An­nounc­er: There is a ‘B’-as-in-‘brothel’ train ap­proach­ing the sta­tion.

–59th St, Colum­bus Cir­cle Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Jen­nifer

Chick on cell: I think we’re all hy­po­thet­i­cal hook­ers, to some ex­tent.


Over­heard by: McF

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Know How to Dick­er

Lit­tle gang­ster kid: Yo, the last time I went fish­ing I got a fish­ing lure stuck in my dick.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Hobo: Every­body’s some­body on my dick!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

Girl, to male co-work­er: Can you be a lit­tle more sub­tle and not such a dick-swinger about your Am­s­tel Light?

–Conde Nast Bldg, 57th & 8th

Over­heard by: Ken­zi

Woman: At least I don’t suck dicks for free!

–Broad­way and Put­nam, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Tom­mi

Drunk col­lege stu­dent: My re­deem­ing fac­tor is I will suck fuck­ing dick to make mon­ey.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Over­heard by: dank

Guy on cell: Take it like a bowl of dicks.

–14th & 5th

Over­heard by: John­ny Bon­san­to

Fat guy: So I asked her, and she gave me her num­ber, and then it was dis­con­nect­ed. So I went back the next week, and she was­n’t work­ing there any­more. So I won­dered, did she quit her job just to avoid suck­ing my dick?

–Bleeck­er & Sul­li­van

Over­heard by: Car­o­line

You Put That in Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Woman, to friend: he was so ex­cit­ed, I thought his butt plug was go­ing to shoot out of his ass.

–Spring Street and 6th St

Over­heard by: Sarah O.

Dude in fur coat and con­struc­tion boots: My mom asked me if I had a ra­zor in my butt…

–Down­town ‘1’ Train

Hus­band to wife:
I can’t be­lieve you just put your fin­ger up my butt hole!

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Over­heard by: boni­fa­cia

Trans­ves­tite pros­ti­tute: I just got off my sec­ond and last date tonight… Man paid me 4 bills to stick my fin­gers in his booty.

–Meat-pack­ing Dis­trict

Over­heard by: Erin

Guy on cell: you have to get drunk enough not to puke, but enough to take the piece of glass in­to your ass!

–Bleek­er & Bar­row

Over­heard by: ivy270

Guy on cell phone pass­ing by: nor­mal­ly when you say that, my ass­hole starts puck­er­ing!

–Union Square

Wednes­days Pad Their One-Lin­ers

Foot­ball play­er on ra­zor scoot­er, chas­ing shirt­less the­ater ma­jor: I’ll get you my pret­ty… And your lit­tle dick too!

–Wag­n­er Col­lege

Girl, look­ing at long ladies bath­room queue: At times like these, I wish women had dicks.

–Win­ter Gar­den The­atre

Slight­ly drunk man: I feel like some­one just shut a door on my dick.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Hook­er to pimp: I had to suck his dick in front of every­one!

–Out­side Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: David

Hell is…Other Stat­en Is­land Peo­ple

Woman: Yeah, he was a “client”.
Man #1: The Pope?
Woman: Yeah! Lots of times.
Man #2: Oops…no, I’m not say­ing it…I’m go­ing to hell.
Woman: What? No, now you got­ta tell me.
Man #2: Uh, was he good?…you know…with the Parkinson’s…sorta like a built-in vi­bra­tor. Did he have the Michael J. Fox thing go­ing on? BVVVVT!
Man #1: Oh no!
Woman: Oh my God! You are go­ing to hell.
Man #2: And you’re not? You fucked the Pope!

–Tot­tenville, Stat­en Is­land

You Can’t Spell Wednes­day One-lin­ers With­out TMI

Suit on cell: And your pe­nis is big­ger now?

–68th & Lex­ing­ton

Guy: I’m be­ing to­tal­ly hon­est, you guys…I pulled my groin play­ing ping pong.

–51st & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Mike Bar­ish

La­dy: Well, I don’t think he re­al­ized I was a hook­er!

–73rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: San­dro Olivieri

Girl on cell: So he was a big guy, and he was pret­ty big, but not that big, but I’m, like, tiny, so we tried, but it would­n’t go in. Are you lis­ten­ing to me? No, it would­n’t fit…what could I do? I dropped to my knees and did what I could, but we just won’t work.

–West Broad­way & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Dar­by O’Gill

Mus­tache: I walked in and it was clear­ly a gang bang gone awry.

–Dive bar, 96th Street