Archive for the ‘Punch’ Category

If You’re Wednes­day and You Know It, Clap Your One-Lin­ers

Young black la­dy to friend: I am so hap­py this is my last week! I hate New York City! Every­body is so rude! To­day I near­ly punched some­body in the face!

–El­e­va­tor, Mid­town

Over­heard by: thorn

Metro guy, singing: If you’re hap­py and you know it, get a pa­per. If you’re hap­py and you know it, get a pa­per. If you’re hap­py and you know it, and you re­al­ly want to show it. If you’re hap­py and you know it, get a Metro.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: erkala

Six-year-old boy to mom: The things in cave paint­ings don’t al­ways look hap­py.

–81st & 1st

Over­heard by: Tim

Ob­vi­ous lawyer, on Yom Kip­pur: My fin­ger is hap­py to have the day off.

–32nd St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: k

Chi­nese Fight­ing Shoe

Girl: What hap­pened?
Guy: Man, that girl brushed up on me, so I turned around, and the bitch said, “Don’t fuck­ing look at me!” and she slapped me!
Girl: Re­al­ly?!
Guy: And then my girl just start­ing beat­ing on her!
Girl­friend: Ha­ha yeah! Did you see all that blood?
Guy: Girl must have been coked out for it to come spilling out like that.
Girl: It was crazy! We did­n’t know what was go­ing on!
Girl­friend: Its like that time at the club when I took off my shoe!

–Kel­logg Din­er, Brook­lyn

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Won’t Give Peace A Chance

Black guy: Man, nig­gas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: could­n’t stop laugh­ing

Hun­gry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Au­tumn

Moth­er of the Year: My mom­ma said, “All you got­ta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th

Woman on cell: She went and mar­ried that man who her first hus­band shot her for goin’ out with.

–Fo­ley Square

En­thu­si­as­tic guy: Yeah! Come down to Dit­mars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Dit­mars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Dit­mars. You’ll get your ass whipped.

–N train, Queens­boro Plaza

Over­heard by: Richard Berman

Am­a­teur chi­ro­prac­tor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I did­n’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be bro­ken.

–Be­hind Path­mark, 125th St

Over­heard by: wadotron

Hap­py hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend re­peat­ed­ly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass!

–G train

Over­heard by: green­point blank

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Lay the Smack Down

Big guy on phone: … All I’m sayin’ is that’s wrong, man — you hit an ol’ woman, and you’re a box­er!

–151st & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Thin walls

Guy on cell: So, wait — you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow… Yeah, that’s still not ap­pro­pri­ate.

–N 6th St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: j

An­gry guy on cell: This guy laid a fuck­ing war­rant on me for beat­ing up crack­heads!

–168th & Fort Wash­ing­ton Ave

Over­heard by: RR

Five-year-old girl to sev­en-year-old broth­er: I’ll punch your Adam’s ap­ple straight down your throat!

–Gra­ham Ave bus sta­tion

Black girl on ris­ing es­ca­la­tor, to friend: If he says any­thing to me, I’m gonna kick him in the ding-ding and then run!

–Broad­way East sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sub­way­surfer

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Walkin’ in a Win­ter Won­der­land

Woman: One time this guy punched me…but it was al­right, cause I was on coke.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: Lau­ra Gross­man

Fe­male hip­ster on cell: I’m coked up and all alone, Har­vey, how do you ex­pect me to feel?

–Hum­boldt & Ainslie, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Joseph Her­nan­dez

Girl on cell: I haven’t done coke in like a week. It’s been a rough week.

–Up­per East Side

Hot 20-some­thing tourist girl to friend: Pfft, the Meat­pack­ing Dis­trict. That’s false advertising…I got no meat packed in me last night. All I did was steal that bag of co­caine from those guys.

–Broad­way & Woost­er

Over­heard by: Classy­Gal

Fe­male 20-some­thing on phone: Yeah, he re­al­ized it was too late when he could­n’t tell the dif­fer­ence be­tween the piles of sug­ar, the piles of flour, and the piles of co­caine.

–Cen­tral Park

JWows­day One-Lin­ers

Old­er black man to younger black man: Yeah, cause you don’t need to say you’re from the Jers to pick up chicks, they ain’t like that here, son. I mean, if she’s mad hot then you can clue her in that you’re from Jer­sey, but on­ly if you think she can ap­pre­ci­ate your flow…

–Lafayette & St. James

Frat boy cross­ing street: But­t­hole in New Jer­sey.

–Flat­bush Ave & 7th, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Hunter

Stoned-look­ing teen to friend: Are you from New Jer­sey? Maybe you told me, but I can just, like, sense it…

–Union Square

Over­heard by: wgod­dessw

Guy to friend: Yeah, man, I was watch­ing that show Jer­sey Shore the oth­er night… Makes me glad I live on Long Is­land.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Fist­pump like a champ

Stressed film ma­jor: You are go­ing to give me that fuck­ing pow­er chord. Then I’m go­ing to punch you in the vag. Then you’re com­ing to New Jer­sey with me.

–Tisch School of the Arts

Over­heard by: Bruce Lee