Young black man outside barber shop: Hey, lady!
White lady, digging through her purse: Oh, hi…
Young black man, sitting and gesturing: What you digging for? My heart is right here!
–Jamaica Ave & Parsons
Overheard by: Lady Walking By
Archive for the ‘Queens’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Go for the Jugular
Slutty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I’ve been shitting blood for two days.
–Citi Field Stadium
Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.
–St. Mark’s
Overheard by: jax
Chick laughing hysterically on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!
–Hunter College
Overheard by: Fresh Man
Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleeding from his eye sockets and shit. (pause) So you wanna meet up later?
–Willoughby & Vanderbilt
He Hates Sweeping Up Shattered Ethnic Stereotypes
Old Jewish man: My doorman doesn’t like me.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: Why?
Old Jewish man: If I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. I had a bunch of newspapers I had to throw out, but I had to put them in the recycling bin. So I was opening it up when a black woman said to me, “aw, sir, you don’t have to go through the garbage!” and she gave me twenty dollars!
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: You didn’t keep it, did you?
Old Jewish man: She dashed away down the stairs! I had to.
Younger retired Jewish man with dog: And the doorman saw that?
Old Jewish man: Uh-huh.
–Chase Bank, Queens Blvd
Different Strokes for Different Wednesday One-Liners
Guy saying goodbye to lady friend: Then I masturbated, and rubbed this sandwich all over myself! (proceeds to rub sub sandwich over his chest)
–46th St & Broadway
Overheard by: James
Man to woman pushing stroller: That guy’s kid beats the meat all day long!
–66th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Wow.
Guy in trench coat: He masturbated the other day in order to expel…
–Union Square
Overheard by: Amused
Girl: You really need good hand-eye coordination to masturbate.
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
Guy on phone: So, even though we’re not together anymore, you don’t want me seeing other people? (pause) What am I supposed to do? (pause) What do I need to use my hand for?
–White Plains Road
Overheard by: Chad
That Was Actually His Campaign Slogan
Anthony Weiner and what appears to be 3 of his staff get out of a black Chevy Impala with tints and a spoiler.
Stoned kid #1: Dude it’s Anthony Weiner.
Stoned kid #2: Who?
Stoned kid #1: Anthony Weiner…the Congressman. He lives right there.
Stoned kid #2 looks back
Stoned kid #2: Hey Weiner! You’re a Weiner!
–Ascan Ave & Burns St, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Peter Sipsas
Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap
Gleeful little boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts into giggles.]
–1 train
Overheard by: caitlinj
Guy: I mean, I wasn’t expecting being fucked, either!
–55th & 8th
Overheard by: Mariah
Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.
–Forest Hills
Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, buddy! Don’t fucking push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!
–1 train
Overheard by: wba
Hispanic lady with stroller, on cell: Mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Fuckin’ asshole [Spanish]… Son of a [Spanish]… Fuckin’ mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Bunny rabbit [Spanish]… Fuck.
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Mike N (doesn’t speak Spanish)
Come on In– The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!
20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.
–A Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!
–Brooklyn
Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: totheworld
Loud woman on escalator: No, you don’t get it. When you’re under water, you’re not wet.
–Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: Burning Vegan
Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?
–CUNY Swim Class
Overheard by: obyun
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I’d rather be pole dancing.
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I’m a stripper, but that don’t mean I’m a ho.
–Central Park
Guy on cell: I don’t get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don’t want a fucking stripper on my lap while I’m eating steak. I’ve got a knife.
–Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: ‘Fo real, she makes all that money dancin’, and she can’t even herself get a weave?
–86th & 2nd
Wednesday One-Liners are Part of New York City… Technically
Hipster girl: ‘Flushing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.
–Barnard College
Overheard by: Beautiful Barnard Woman
Drunk dude watching girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.
–Shea Stadium
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Prepare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!
–E train platform, Penn Station
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound A train.
–Brooklyn-bound A train
Overheard by: Maggie
Conductor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Manhattan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Manhattan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.
–Manhattan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex
Announcement over the subway: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train empties] This is the Queens-bound E train.
–E train, Penn Station
“You’re Not 40 Anymore!” She’ll Scream
Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home… Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.
–Douglaston Waldbaum’s, Queens
Overheard by: Teen Girl #1
