Suit #1: Dude, admit it: you want to go to Dorian’s.
Suit #2: No, I don’t.
Suit #1: Yes, you do. Admit it.
Suit #2: Dude, no! I want to talk to chicks, not rape them.
–Tortilla Flats, Washington Street
Overheard by: Initials
Archive for the ‘Rape’ Category
Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.
Husband: Wow. I’m bleeding.
Wife: I hope it’s from the ass, because that’s where I just raped you.
Husband: God, I love you.
–Central Park
Presenting This Week’s Most-Ironic-Location Conversation
Teen #1: So, the age of consent in New York is 17, right?
Teen #2: What if you were born in, like, New York City, but you got raped somewhere that the age of consent is lower… [lowers voice drastically]… like New Jersey?
Teen #3: I don’t think there’s an age of consent for rape…
–Battery Park
Overheard by: drmario
Six Wednesday One-Liners Under
Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
–Time Square
HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
–Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
–7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
–8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.
–4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Cori
I Like It Better When They Talk About Starbucks
Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a condom.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Daniel
Girl: Don’t let me talk to boys after I take blue pills.
–31st & 2nd
Girl #1: Sometimes he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.
–outside The Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Josh Neufeld
Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I wasn’t really raped.
–Vertigo, 26th & 3rd
Yuppie chick #1: Sweetie, you’re going to get raped dressed like that.
Yuppie chick #2: No. I have an umbrella.
–Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti
And There's My Brother in the Seminary Like a Sucker!
Theater student #1: So it's really good, cause I'm gonna get to play a rapist!
Theater student #2: Oh man, really?
Theater student #1: Yeah! I'll get to rape someone… Or try, I think… Which I've never done before.
Theater student #2: Dude, you're so lucky.
–NYU
Martha Stewart’s New Show Is Awfully Informative
Girl hipster: How do you anally rape someone?
Queer hipster: Stealth.
–Fulton & Gold
An Argument for Capital Punishment, in One Act
Guy: God, Elizabeth Smart is hot.
Girl: I know! She makes me want to rape.
Guy: ME TOO! We should find her!
Girl: Wasn’t she found?
Guy: Yeah, but I mean find her to abduct her again.
Girl: I’m a raper, not a kidnapper.
Guy: Fine, I’ll kidnap her and we can take turns with the rape.
–Flatiron District
Overheard by: Jeff
She Doesn’t See Sexual Assault as a Celebration, Like We Do
Drunk, creepy guy #1: She’s always telling us about our flaws, and why she won’t get with us, but she won’t listen to us tell her about her flaws!
Drunk, creepy guy #2, burning his hand with a lighter: Yeah, she probably acts the way she does because she was raped, but she’s like “I don’t want to talk about it!”
–1 train
Just Practicing for a Future Prison Sentence
Meathead #1: Dude, you saw Mitzo was found “Not Guilty” of child molestation, right?
Meathead #2: Yeah I did. Have you talked to him?
Meathead #1: Yeah, we were doing high-fives over some little girl’s back while we sodomized her.
–Victor’s Gym, Sherman Avenue
Overheard by: jermaine propane