Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Holy Wedne­say-One-Lin­ers, Bat­man!

Lit­tle boy, hear­ing loud ex­plo­sion: Je­sus Christ!

–Up­per East Side

Over­heard by: Far­ley

Suit to girl­friend: Are you mad at Je­sus?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Matt

Girl, point­ing to eye­brow ring: I re­ceive God through this hole in my eye!

–Fi­nancier Patis­serie, Stone St

Over­heard by: Gen

Teen girl: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Je­sus. It was so not hot.

–Sheepshead Bay

Over­heard by: Lotte

Black man: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: jack­at­tack

JAP: When I told my mom I did­n’t want to fast to­day she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Um­mm, I think God did.’

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: ak

Man to cop: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Je­ho­vah’s Nitwits?

–Grand Cen­tral

I Pre­fer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled “Sur­prise!”

For­eign TA: I don’t un­der­stand why they use the egg for East­er.
Amer­i­can TA: Oh, it does­n’t re­al­ly have any­thing to do with East­er, we just ap­pro­pri­at­ed pa­gan rit­u­als.
For­eign TA: I thought East­er is when Je­sus was re­born.
Amer­i­can TA: It is.
For­eign TA: I thought maybe he was re­born out of an egg.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: MCLD

She’s on Coke, Du­u­uh!

Bus dri­ver: That’s what crack will do to you.
Crazy la­dy: What? Crack? Did you say I’m on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jew­el­ry to be on crack. You see these? They’re re­al di­a­monds. You hear these? They’re keys jin­gling — keys to my house. Next time you see some­one hav­ing a bad day, just say ‘I guess they’re hav­ing a bad day’ not ‘they’re on crack. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you!

–125th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Columbi­a­Cat

To­day, Wednes­day One-Lin­er Is a Woman.

Girl on cell: It just… It’s not like it sucks. (pause) It just sucks, ya know? I mean, I had my pe­ri­od this morn­ing, and I just wan­na get high.

–Bor­ough of Man­hat­tan Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege

Over­heard by: 447ght

Cus­tomer, buy­ing two packs of Ko­tex: Next time you or­der these, you should get the kind with de­odor­ant. It re­al­ly makes a dif­fer­ence!

–112th St & St. Nicholas

Guy on cell: Dude! Guys don’t PMS!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: al­lie

Girl #1: I once made a Na­tiv­i­ty from fem­i­nine prod­ucts. (awk­ward si­lence) They weren’t used, though…

–Barnard

Over­heard by: Brook­lyn

Where Uni­tar­i­ans Come From

Gen­tile #1: I’m think­ing he looks more like a rab­bi. Can’t you just pic­ture the yarmulke on his head?
Gen­tile #2: Drei­del, drei­del, drei­del, I made you out of wood.
Gen­tile #1: Clay!
Gen­tile #2: Clay? Oh, it is clay… see, that’s what makes me not Jew­ish.
Gen­tile #1: Be­lieve it or not, in Catholic school dur­ing Hanukkah they had us play drei­del games and eat latkes and stuff.
Gen­tile #2: That’s very weird.
Gen­tile #1: Hey, it was bet­ter than read­ing the Bible.
Gen­tile #2: Touché.

–New School for So­cial Re­search

If Any­one Has In­sight, Let Him Cal­cu­late the Num­ber

Two ho­bos are pass­ing a bot­tle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a pas­sen­ger train…The blood of Je­sus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a pas­sen­ger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the dev­il’s drink. By the blood of Je­sus you need to re­pent!
Hobo #1: La­dy, I am the dev­il.
Woman: You can’t do that on a pas­sen­ger train! If I see a po­lice I will have you ar­rest­ed!
Hobo #2: You wan­na bor­row my cell phone?

–F train