Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

I Pre­fer to Think That He Jumped Out Of a Cake and Yelled “Sur­prise!”

For­eign TA: I don’t un­der­stand why they use the egg for East­er.
Amer­i­can TA: Oh, it does­n’t re­al­ly have any­thing to do with East­er, we just ap­pro­pri­at­ed pa­gan rit­u­als.
For­eign TA: I thought East­er is when Je­sus was re­born.
Amer­i­can TA: It is.
For­eign TA: I thought maybe he was re­born out of an egg.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: MCLD

She’s on Coke, Du­u­uh!

Bus dri­ver: That’s what crack will do to you.
Crazy la­dy: What? Crack? Did you say I’m on crack? Hell no. I have too much ass to be on crack. I have too much jew­el­ry to be on crack. You see these? They’re re­al di­a­monds. You hear these? They’re keys jin­gling — keys to my house. Next time you see some­one hav­ing a bad day, just say ‘I guess they’re hav­ing a bad day’ not ‘they’re on crack. Pray for me and I’ll pray for you!

–125th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Columbi­a­Cat

To­day, Wednes­day One-Lin­er Is a Woman.

Girl on cell: It just… It’s not like it sucks. (pause) It just sucks, ya know? I mean, I had my pe­ri­od this morn­ing, and I just wan­na get high.

–Bor­ough of Man­hat­tan Com­mu­ni­ty Col­lege

Over­heard by: 447ght

Cus­tomer, buy­ing two packs of Ko­tex: Next time you or­der these, you should get the kind with de­odor­ant. It re­al­ly makes a dif­fer­ence!

–112th St & St. Nicholas

Guy on cell: Dude! Guys don’t PMS!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: al­lie

Girl #1: I once made a Na­tiv­i­ty from fem­i­nine prod­ucts. (awk­ward si­lence) They weren’t used, though…

–Barnard

Over­heard by: Brook­lyn

Where Uni­tar­i­ans Come From

Gen­tile #1: I’m think­ing he looks more like a rab­bi. Can’t you just pic­ture the yarmulke on his head?
Gen­tile #2: Drei­del, drei­del, drei­del, I made you out of wood.
Gen­tile #1: Clay!
Gen­tile #2: Clay? Oh, it is clay… see, that’s what makes me not Jew­ish.
Gen­tile #1: Be­lieve it or not, in Catholic school dur­ing Hanukkah they had us play drei­del games and eat latkes and stuff.
Gen­tile #2: That’s very weird.
Gen­tile #1: Hey, it was bet­ter than read­ing the Bible.
Gen­tile #2: Touché.

–New School for So­cial Re­search

If Any­one Has In­sight, Let Him Cal­cu­late the Num­ber

Two ho­bos are pass­ing a bot­tle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a pas­sen­ger train…The blood of Je­sus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a pas­sen­ger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the dev­il’s drink. By the blood of Je­sus you need to re­pent!
Hobo #1: La­dy, I am the dev­il.
Woman: You can’t do that on a pas­sen­ger train! If I see a po­lice I will have you ar­rest­ed!
Hobo #2: You wan­na bor­row my cell phone?

–F train

You Know They’d Cook With Tran­sub­stan­ti­at­ed Fats

20 year-old guy: What if the af­ter­life and hell ex­ists? I mean if it does, there has to be a so­ci­ety be­cause bil­lions of peo­ple would be there by now.
Friend: Yeah…
20 year-old: So that’s a lot of peo­ple, like a so­ci­ety has to emerge since there can’t be that many demons and tor­tur­ers. You would have like a Mc­Don­ald’s and peo­ple work­ing there. (pause) But you could be work­ing there, and it could be every day for an eter­ni­ty.
Friends: That’s so much worse than hell.

–New Jer­sey Tran­sit, Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal