Archive for the ‘Robbing the Cradle’ Category

And I Was Drunk When I Did That

Very un­der­age thugette: Look, they have a hap­py hour!
20-some­thing thug: Shit, girl, you ain’t old enough.
Very un­der­age thugette: Nah, they won’t check.
20-some­thing thug: Yeah, they will–they’ll kick you out and send me to jail.
Very un­der­age thugette: But we’re mar­ried!

–Out­side Bar, Un­der­hill Ave, Brook­lyn

Fast Times at Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Teacher: My fa­ther al­ways told me, “Nev­er run away from a fight. If the guy’s big­ger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, ’cause this dude’s gonna kill you!”

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emer­gency pro­ce­dures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Over­heard by: Goober

Chi­nese teacher (re­fer­ring to Sichuan earth­quake): They had a say­ing af­ter the earth­quake hap­pened that orig­i­nates from a male part. “Peo­ple are sup­posed to rise up, and get hard!” …and be strong.

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Math teacher: Give me your lit­tle men!

–Spence School

Eng­lish teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teach­ing gram­mar in 90-de­gree weath­er. (stu­dent is silent) I’m not go­ing to hit you.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

I Can’t Even Rent You

Hag­gard 40-some­thing guy to girl pass­ing by: Mmm-hm­mm! That’s the way I like ’em. Tiny and nice and tight. Look at that body, damn. Mmm-hmm. Hey, girl! Hey, gor­geous, how old are you?
An­noyed girl: I’m 14.
Hag­gard #40-some­thing guy: Damn! That’ll get me 25 years… Damn!

–3rd St, Have­mey­er

Over­heard by: One of 8 who wit­nessed this

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick un­cle that touch­es you when no ones around.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl, af­ter pass­ing a tourist bump­ing in­to her: In New York we say “ex­cuse me!”

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: The City Plan­ner

Guy to friend: Are we in the in­ner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walk­ing out of Penn sta­tion: You know what’s great about go­ing out in New York City? You can get com­plete­ly bombed and it’s no big deal, be­cause you’ll prob­a­bly nev­er see those peo­ple again, you know?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shit­ter.”

–96th & Colum­bus Ave

It’s the Great Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Char­lie Brown

Sub­way girl in Hal­loween cos­tume: I was think­ing about go­ing as Rosie the Riv­et­er, but, like, girly Rosie the Riv­et­er. In shorts.

–A Train

Try­ing-to-be-hip mom: What are vam­pires wear­ing this sea­son?

–Hal­loween Ad­ven­ture

Group of kids in cos­tume, chant­i­ng: We want more can­dy! We want more can­dy! No more ap­ples! No more ap­ples!

–35th Ave & 29th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: kath­com

Man dressed up as Michael Jack­son on Hal­loween: I’m the King of pop, man! I’ll touch your chil­dren! I’ll hang your ba­by off a bal­cony!

–Down­town 6 Train

Late-night Hal­loween-rev­el­er man with dirty cot­ton beard: I’m San­ta. I’m drunk and I’m an­gry. Fuck balls. Rein­deer balls.

–Down­town 6 train

Guy dressed as Bil­ly Mays, in loud in­fomer­cial voice: Bil­ly Mays here! Sick and tired of wait­ing for NJ Tran­sit? Next time, dri­ve! For the low, low price of $20 per toll! Just $4.69 per gal­lon!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: J. Ra

Old man to an­oth­er, about Hal­loween: I love young girls who dress up like pussies.

–So­ho

Over­heard by: Edan