Archive for the ‘Robbing the Cradle’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Rob the Cra­dle

Teen: I’m 14 years old and I’m still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Si­mon Baruch Mid­dle School

Over­heard by: the art ma­jor

Ran­dom old guy: The on­ly thing I like more than chil­dren is more chil­dren.

–Barnes & No­ble, 83rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ma­ianess

20-some­thing guy to friend, ca­su­al­ly: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl does­n’t want a re­la­tion­ship.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: rache­land­kacey­fuck­up

Hip­ster girl to a group of friends: I can’t date him. It would be like dat­ing a kid, and not like in a re­al­ly good way. (awk­ward si­lence) Uhm, not that there is a re­al­ly good way to date a kid.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can’t do that to a guy! That’s child mo­lesta­tion!

–As­tor Place

Over­heard by: inch­ing away

Pro­fes­sor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a car­ni­val op­er­at­ing the kid­die rides. (laughs) And no! I nev­er be­came a pe­dophile!

–Wag­n­er Col­lege

Over­heard by: good to know

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want An­geli­na Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to an­oth­er: So I said to him, “Mutha­fuc­ka, don’t you know a ba­by comes out of that shit? Ain’t noth­ing you got down there gonna hurt me!”

–Ful­ton St

Old man with thick Russ­ian ac­cent: It is fresh­er than a baby’s bot­tom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brook­lyn

Ghet­to black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I’m out now, and she’s tryin’ to say it’s my ba­by, but that shit ain’t mine.

–Down­town 2 Train

Man on cell, pass­ing adorable child play­ing with dog: I love fuck­ing ba­bies!

–10th & 53rd

Puer­to Ri­can girl to preg­nant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that’s just the ba­by.

–36th St & 34th Ave, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Bryan Bruner

Con­duc­tor: Ma’am, please step off the ramp plat­form and wait un­til it is safe. (pause) Miss, you’re hav­ing a frickin’ ba­by, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Over­heard by: Theon­ly­onewhoseemedtono­tice

Teenage moth­er to friends, run­ning to catch sub­way: Last one gets the ba­by!


Over­heard by: Fran­cis­co S. Ramírez

Wednes­day, with Some Scat­tered One-Lin­ers in the Ear­ly Evening

Hobo: Every­one, please be­lieve me, I had noth­ing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain!

–6 Train

Over­heard by: thanks for that clear­ing that up

Black guy sit­ting on stoop to white guy stand­ing the rain: I can’t of­fer you a warm vagi­na but I can of­fer you a dry haven.

–1st Ave & 7th St

Over­heard by: D Dot

Hobo to sky, as it be­gins to rain: You got­ta do bet­ter than driz­zling if you want to flood the Earth! We got mur­ders and rapists down here! There are pe­dophiles and traf­fick­ers and thieves and liars and idol­aters! I’m ready: I got the life gog­gles you sent me! (holds up scu­ba mask) Thank you for mak­ing me in your im­age, Lord. Amen.

–24th St b/w Broad­way & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Em­Lo

Man, as it be­gins to rain: God­damn rain, man! On­ly in New York!

–Park Place & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bo Van­der­pants

Woman on cell: Yeah, the weath­er is beau­ti­ful this morn­ing. I’m strolling like a moth­er­fuck­er.

–Lex­ing­ton & 90th St

Where’s Wednes­day One-Lin­er’s Busy Bee? It Needs Its Busy Bee!!

Crazy old­er guy to la­dy in park with bark­ing dog: La­dy, you keep that dog qui­et! That dog is bet­ter-look­ing than you are.

–W 63rd & West End

Over­heard by: Beez and Newb

Guy in red shirt: You make me feel so pe­dophilic when I tell you about vi­o­lat­ing my dog.

–Cen­tral Park

Man on cell: You’re al­ways say­ing your dog is sick! “My dog has di­ar­rhea! I can’t come out!”

–Ful­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: would you rather she have it?

Black kid to white cou­ple walk­ing poo­dle: I’ve on­ly seen dogs like that in movies.


Over­heard by: Poo­dle La­dy

Girl on cell: So I’m get­ting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I’m like “Sarah?” and she’s like “I haven’t seen you since mid­dle school!” and she cut all her hair off and she’s like “When did you dye your hair black?” and my hair’s soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this la­dy who was to­tal­ly toss­ing chow all over the place! Hel­lo! Trash can right there—hold up, I got­ta go, I see a Wein­er dog!

–72nd St & Cen­tral Park West