Archive for the ‘Satan’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers En­joy Team Sports

20-some­thing guy on Black­Ber­ry: No, he’s not gay. I was in a five­some with him, but he’s not gay.

–L Train

Girl to gay friend af­ter walk­ing in­to gay bar: Dude, ei­ther find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.

–NYC

Girl to guy friends: I mean, he’s okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!

–8th St & 5th Ave

An­gry woman on phone: While you’re out hav­ing or­gies I am do­ing the re­al work!

–Vic­to­ri­an Flat­bush

Pre­ten­tious pro­fes­sor type in aca­d­e­m­ic tone: My ex had un­re­al­is­tic fan­tasies. She used to dream about be­ing fucked by God and Sa­tan and the same time. How could I live up to that?

–NYU

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers from H‑E Dou­ble Hock­ey Sticks

Guy look­ing at books, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: I don’t want to hear or see any­thing about the dev­il, demons, voodoo or big hairy black guys.

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: 153

Guy hawk­ing pam­phlets: How to suck­er punch the dev­il right in the ass!

–W 12th & Brod­way

Over­heard by: Why did­n’t I get that pam­phlet?!

Cowork­er about col­league: Every time he comes by here the num­ber 666 comes up.

–1250 Broad­way

Punk kid, walk­ing past a group of nuns: Hail Sa­tan!

–Wa­ver­ly & Greene

Pro­fes­sor: I don’t want to be saved, I want to go to hell. I’ll meet in­ter­est­ing peo­ple there!

–Coop­er Union, As­tor Place

Over­heard by: Hope­ful­ly not me!

Crazy old­er la­dy scream­ing on cell: You what? You are buy­ing so­da? You are go­ing to go to fuck­ing hell! Don’t you re­mem­ber the promise you made to god? You’re prob­a­bly stand­ing in line with some god­damn can­dy too. You are go­ing to hell!

–W Train

Over­heard by: DR G LUV

East­er Is­n’t Just About Cad­bury Creme Eggs

Deal­er: I got ec­sta­cy, I got crys­tal meth, I got hydro…OK, y’all have a nice hol­i­day.

–Wash­ing­ton Square park

Over­heard by: Mark Asch

Street Preach­er: Have you found Je­sus?!
Guy #1: Why? Did you lose him?
Street Preach­er: Have you found your Lord, our Sav­ior, Je­sus Christ?
Guy #2: Next time, try us­ing bet­ter fuck­ing nails!

–42nd & 8th

Over­heard by: eb

Guy: I think her East­er eggs say “Sa­tan” on them.

–27th Street of­fice

His Friends Don’t Have the Heart to Tell Him It’s a Mr. Peanut Cos­tume

Boy #1: What are you gonna be?
Boy #2: Soul of the dev­il.
Boy #1: What were you last year?
Boy #2, an­noyed: Soul of the dev­il.
Boy #1: And the year be­fore that?
Boy #2: Soul of the dev­il! I al­ways go as soul of the dev­il.
Boy #1: What’s soul of the dev­il?
Boy #2: This char­ac­ter I made up. He’s like a lawyer for the dev­il. I have a cane.

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

In­fer­nal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Protes­tant street preach­er with mic: You’re go­ing down the Broad­way to Hell.

–42nd & 8th

Sub­way preach­er: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents un­der the tree, that’s all for Sa­tan, not for Je­sus. One day I was think­ing about how the name San­ta looks fa­mil­iar, and I’m think­ing to my­self, God­dammit… No, wait, sor­ry. I’m think­ing to my­self, San­ta… No, that’s Sa­tan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the let­ters around.

–Brook­lyn-bound C train

Over­heard by: P. Mills

Suit on cell: The on­ly thing is, she’s so in­no­cent. I need some­one to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-oth­er sex. I’m like Sa­tan and she’s the Vir­gin Mary.

–Metro-North train, Grand Cen­tral

Hard­hat: I don’t know if I’m go­ing to heav­en; I don’t know if I’m go­ing to hell… All I know is I have to change at Ja­maica.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob

Yup­pie woman talk­ing to her­self: The dev­il is a liar — a fuck­ing liar!

–Out­side Lin­coln Plaza The­atre

Over­heard by: SLC kid

Teacher: I’m go­ing to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jew­ish! I don’t be­lieve in Hell! I’m not go­ing to burn! Yay!

–Hunter Col­lege High