Archive for the ‘Satan’ Category

In­fer­nal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Protes­tant street preach­er with mic: You’re go­ing down the Broad­way to Hell.

–42nd & 8th

Sub­way preach­er: When you buy a tree and put that in your house, and when you put all the presents un­der the tree, that’s all for Sa­tan, not for Je­sus. One day I was think­ing about how the name San­ta looks fa­mil­iar, and I’m think­ing to my­self, God­dammit… No, wait, sor­ry. I’m think­ing to my­self, San­ta… No, that’s Sa­tan. You see? They kept the S but they just changed all the rest of the let­ters around.

–Brook­lyn-bound C train

Over­heard by: P. Mills

Suit on cell: The on­ly thing is, she’s so in­no­cent. I need some­one to curse at me and spit in my face. I need some rough, yelling-at-each-oth­er sex. I’m like Sa­tan and she’s the Vir­gin Mary.

–Metro-North train, Grand Cen­tral

Hard­hat: I don’t know if I’m go­ing to heav­en; I don’t know if I’m go­ing to hell… All I know is I have to change at Ja­maica.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob

Yup­pie woman talk­ing to her­self: The dev­il is a liar — a fuck­ing liar!

–Out­side Lin­coln Plaza The­atre

Over­heard by: SLC kid

Teacher: I’m go­ing to burn in Hell for this… Wait! I’m Jew­ish! I don’t be­lieve in Hell! I’m not go­ing to burn! Yay!

–Hunter Col­lege High

Hel­la Good Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Twitchy dude to no one in par­tic­u­lar: What? You sell­ing some­thing? What you sell­ing? You all are dev­ils! Dev­il wor­shipers! Bunch of dev­il wor­shipers! Dev­ils, dev­ils, dev­ils! See you in hell! Oh…I won’t be there, though.

–C Train

Hip­ster girl on cell: No, the black marks are from me cheat­ing on you with Sa­tan. (pause) Yeah, now I’m preg­nant and he won’t mar­ry me.

–23rd & 5th

Over­heard by: Louisa

Young guy on cell, about video game: I gave them my soul. I gave them my soul! See, my soul legal­ly be­longs to you, so you tricked them. (pause) Give him his soul! Give him his soul! What? What? Too late!

–93rd St, Bay Ridge

Scream­ing man with ash­es on fore­head to man walk­ing past on Ash Wednes­day: You’re go­ing to hell you moth­er­fuck­er!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: BK

Woman on cell: Sa­tan don’t wear no panties, ne­gro. That shit flies free.

–As­to­ria, Queens

Over­heard by: Celia

First Per­son to Say Some­thing Co­her­ent Los­es

Man: All I’m say­ing is that if Je­sus was beau­ti­ful on the in­side, he was beau­ti­ful on the out­side, so I know he had ladies look­ing at him.
Bim­bette #1: Well, I know every­thing be­gan in Africa.
Bim­bette #2: That’s right. You know they have the in­den­ta­tion in Africa where the dev­il land­ed? They built a church over it to try to make it holy. I saw it on The Ex­or­cist.

–4 train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Say “Mer­ry Fuck­mas, New York!”

Large group of peo­ple dressed like San­ta: What do we want? Christ­mas! When do we want it? Now!

–Wash­ing­ton Square

Over­heard by: TR

Gay guy on cell: You don’t want to see white Christ­mas. Hon­ey, you don’t un­der­stand… That was the whitest Christ­mas I have ever seen.

–Broad­way & 43rd

20-some­thing woman to 20-some­thing guy, in April: It would­n’t be Christ­mas with­out you.

–Strom­boli’s Piz­za

Mom to child yelling at her: Who do you think you’re talk­ing to? That’s it, Christ­mas is over for you!

–135th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Yowza

Nor­mal-look­ing woman to no one in par­tic­u­lar: Look at San­ta. The same let­ters as “Sa­tan.” Do you think Christ­mas has any­thing to do with Je­sus? Where in the Bible does it say Je­sus was born on De­cem­ber 24th? I tell you, San­ta is Sa­tan.

–Xmas Tree Stand, High School

Sta­ples em­ploy­ee, in re­sponse to ra­dio: Man! I want to move to Viet­nam, or Pak­istan, or wher­ev­er the fuck they don’t care about Christ­mas.

–Sta­ples, Union Square

Over­heard by: Da­mon H.

Man to friend dur­ing in­ter­val: Have you heard about the Sci­en­tol­ogy Christ­mas pageant?

–Carnegie Hall

Wednes­days Would Sell Their Souls for Some One-Lin­ers

The­ol­o­gy pro­fes­sor, af­ter strug­gling with pro­jec­tion screen: This is Sa­tan do­ing this to me.

–Lin­coln Cen­ter, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Crazy man with bull­horn: Hanukkah is for God, Christ­mas is for Sa­tan!

–Ford­ham Plaza

Con­duc­tor: This is an up­town a train mak­ing all lo­cal stops. Yes, you heard right, all lo­cal stops. The e train is out of ser­vice to­day, as it is on a va­ca­tion to hell. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors, please!

–A Train

Over­heard by: Kirstie

Girl yelling to two friends across train: Jay‑Z is like a dev­il wor­ship­per. No, se­ri­ous­ly, he’s like a Freema­son or what­ev­er. They all are: him, Madon­na, Brit­ney…

–J Train

Sev­en-year-old tourist to moth­er: Are we go­ing some­where safe where the dev­il won’t get me?

–34th & 28th

Wednes­days Have “The Last Sup­per” on Their One-Lin­ers

Guy: Do I look like I or­dered straw­ber­ries and cream? I have tat­toos on my head and face!

–Star­bucks

Be­ing a full-time tran­ny is like hav­ing a tat­too on your fore­head. Like, you can’t work, like, what do you do?

–Brook­lyn

Cus­tomer to an­oth­er, about bar­ber: Take him for ex­am­ple, he was in the spe­cial forces. He’s got a big tat­too on his arm that says, “Kill ’em all, let god sort ’em out.” Drop him off in Prospect Park to­day and to­mor­row he’ll be eat­ing a sand­wich.

–Park Slope Bar­ber Shop

Over­heard by: ian day­walk­er

Chat­ty young woman to bored-look­ing guy friend: You know, my shoes would re­al­ly look a lot bet­ter if I had a foot tat­too.

–D Train

Man with tat­too that reads “don’t go to hell” to friend: There’s a fun­ny sto­ry be­hind this tat­too. I was dat­ing this bitch, and she would wake up every morn­ing and suck my dick. Or fuck the shit out of me. And then tell me I was go­ing to hell. You have no idea what this bitch put me through. I mean, sex­u­al­ly, she was great. We’d go out to bars and both of us would pick up chicks, so that by the end of the night we’d have two or three women hang­ing around us try­ing to go home with us.

–Chipo­tle

Over­heard by: Jana

Are You Ready to Ac­cept Wednes­day As Your Per­son­al One-Lin­er?

Crazy preach­er man: Look up! You see that ball in the sky? It’s not the sun. It’s hell!

–Times Square

Sub­way preach­er: Some­one is gonna dri­ve your car to your fu­ner­al, wear­ing your bling bling.

–Down­town A Train

Street bible push­er: Don’t wait for the as­ter­oids to rain down on you! As­ter­oids are head­ing this way now!

–6th Ave & 32nd St

Ran­dom crazy dude: Re­pent, all ye sin­ners! Get your ass to Gen­e­sis!

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: LiD

Street preach­er hand­ing out bible vers­es: Je­sus saves! Je­sus saves! (to suit walk­ing by) Not you! There’s noth­ing good about you!

–8th Ave be­low 23rd St