Student: I feel like I’m drunk. Like when I was six.
–Middle School Dance, Spanish Harlem
Six-year-old girl: I drank beer once and I went crazy!
–Central Park
Dad, about his young son who has just run face-first into a chair: Don’t worry about him, he’s just drunk.
–Indian Road Cafe, Inwood
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Five-year-old boy: Next stop, wine store!
–University & 9th St
Girl #1: So, you’re a vegetarian?
Girl #2: Yep. Eating animals kills.
Girl #1: Wait, but you had sushi the other night.
Girl #2: Fish doesn’t count. It’s, like, not an animal.
Girl #1: Huh? Yeah, it is. It, like, breathes and stuff.
Girl #2: But it’s underwater.
Girl #1: No, it’s an animal, ’cause it moves around and swims.
Girl #2: Then how come I can eat it?
–NYU
Girl #1: I have raisins living in my bag.
Girl #2: … We really are the same person.
–Bard High School Early College
College Professor: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Female Student: I have one sister and a twin brother.
College Professor: Are you identical?
–American Musical & Dramatic Academy, UWS
Thug #1: … And you could smell that shit through her jeans, yo! That shit was nasty!
Thug #2: Bitch needs to be fuckin’ introduced to Mr. Clean or some shit!
–Outside Francis Lewis High, Queens
Teacher: Does anyone know of the year 1732?
(class remains silent)
Teacher: I’ll give you a hint: it’s the year of someone’s birthday.
Girl: Jesus!
–Simon Baruch Middle School
Overheard by: the art major
Artsy girl: I cant believe you took my idea!
Bearded hipster boy: My cat died and so I can use it my way.
Artsy girl: But now everyone thinks it was your idea to skin the cat! And it was mine! Next thing you know, you’ll be plucking the feathers out of birds and dipping them in blood!
Bearded hipster boy: Good idea, I think I will.
Artsy girl: Cunt!
–Outside Cooper Union School
Overheard by: jemma lower
Filthy rich mom #1: I don’t know what I’ll do this summer. I mean, my nanny has a life.
Filthy rich mom #2: Ugh, I know. That’s exactly the trouble.
–Collegiate School, W 78th St
Sixth grader: Yo! Miss Stevens*, how old are you?
Student teacher: 20.
Sixth grader: Are you a virgin?
Student teacher: I don’t think that’s an appropriate question.
Sixth grader: Aight. It’s okay. I’m a virgin, too.
–University Neighborhood Middle School
Overheard by: teacher
White kid: I got into a full-on debate with a friend of mine over the N‑word.
Black kid: I learn a lot of SAT words from you, so tell me: what is a
fulondevay?
–Brooklyn Debate Resource Center, East Flatbush
Overheard by: Lydia
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
