Archive for the ‘Security Guards’ Category

Check Your At­ti­tude While You’re At It

Bag check guy: I want your bag.
Com­ic book chick: Par­don?
Bag check guy: You know the rules. Give me your bag.
Com­ic book chick: Sor­ry, I did­n’t know I had to check this.
Bag check guy: What did you think, that I’m just some crazy black man sit­ting up here ha­rass­ing peo­ple?
Com­ic book chick: Could be.
Bag check guy: That’s true.

–For­bid­den Plan­et, 13th Street

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Join the Jet Set

In­ter­com voice: If you heard your name, or some­thing that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leav­ing!

–Air­Tran gates, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

Se­cu­ri­ty of­fi­cial: Okay, peo­ple, have your board­ing pass­es out! If you don’t have your board­ing pass­es out, I’m send­ing you to Am­trak!

–Se­cu­ri­ty screen­ing line, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Beth T

Pi­lot, on crowd­ed run­way: Wel­come to the park­ing lot known as La­Guardia Air­port.

–La­Guardia Tar­mac

Pi­lot: The mist you are see­ing is caused by a dif­fer­ence in tem­per­a­ture. The tem­per­a­ture out­side is dif­fer­ent from the tem­per­a­ture in­side. Once we close the door and pre­pare for take-off, the mist will dis­ap­pear, which will make us very sad be­cause we like mist.

–Jet­blue flight in­to New York

Over­heard by: Denise

Pi­lot: Good af­ter­noon, pas­sen­gers. We are about to make our fi­nal de­scent in­to John F. Kennedy In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port, so buck­le your seat­belts and hold on tight.

–Flight in­to JFK

Over­heard by: fre­quent fly­er

Sassy flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a loss of cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will be re­leased from the over­head above your seat. Af­ter the scream­ing sub­sides, please place the oxy­gen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are trav­el­ing with a child or an adult who is act­ing like a child, place your mask on first be­fore at­tempt­ing to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Ron­nie F

Flight at­ten­dant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke in­side, you came to the wrong state.

–Spir­it Air flight in­to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Kathryn

Wednes­day’s Gonna Have a Lit­tle One-Lin­er

An­gry frat boy: Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? Let’s talk about you and your ir­ra­tional preg­nan­cy!

–Grand Cen­tral

Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abor­tion? I mean, I’m not even preg­nant!

–TGI Fri­days

Over­heard by: Sara

Gig­gling chick: When you get preg­nant, the on­ly things that swell are your breasts!

–8th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Fe­male se­cu­ri­ty guard to friend: I don’t think I’m preg­nant. There’s no way I can be preg­nant, be­cause I was on­ly hav­ing light sex.

–Du­ane Reade, 23rd & 6th

Over­heard by: jmike

Hap­py la­dy on cell: Guess what?! I’m preg­nant! Yes, with a ba­by this time!

–96th St sta­tion

Over­heard by: Kind of Con­fused

20-some­thing chick: If I get preg­nant, I am so su­ing Fresh Di­rect.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Which Would Solve Just about Ze­ro Per­cent of Your Prob­lem, Sir

White stu­dent: I can’t be­lieve you guys gave my ID to an­oth­er per­son!
Se­cu­ri­ty guard: Yeah, I’m re­al­ly sor­ry. I wish there was a bet­ter sys­tem for do­ing this.
White stu­dent: Yeah, they should have all the Asian kids in a sep­a­rate di­rec­to­ry, be­cause they all have the same last names.

–23rd & Lex

Over­heard by: Dar­ren Mon­tal­bano