Archive for the ‘Security Guards’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Join the Jet Set

Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving!

–AirTran gates, LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don’t have your boarding passes out, I’m sending you to Amtrak!

–Security screening line, LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Beth T

Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport.

–LaGuardia Tarmac

Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist.

–Jetblue flight into New York

Overheard by: Denise

Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight.

–Flight into JFK

Overheard by: frequent flyer

Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of LaGuardia

Overheard by: Ronnie F

Flight attendant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state.

–Spirit Air flight into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kathryn

Wednesday’s Gonna Have a Little One-Liner

Angry frat boy: Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? Let’s talk about you and your irrational pregnancy!

–Grand Central

Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abortion? I mean, I’m not even pregnant!

–TGI Fridays

Overheard by: Sara

Giggling chick: When you get pregnant, the only things that swell are your breasts!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hannah

Female security guard to friend: I don’t think I’m pregnant. There’s no way I can be pregnant, because I was only having light sex.

–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th

Overheard by: jmike

Happy lady on cell: Guess what?! I’m pregnant! Yes, with a baby this time!

–96th St station

Overheard by: Kind of Confused

20-something chick: If I get pregnant, I am so suing Fresh Direct.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Which Would Solve Just about Zero Percent of Your Problem, Sir

White student: I can’t believe you guys gave my ID to another person!
Security guard: Yeah, I’m really sorry. I wish there was a better system for doing this.
White student: Yeah, they should have all the Asian kids in a separate directory, because they all have the same last names.

–23rd & Lex

Overheard by: Darren Montalbano

The Wasteland Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to security guard: We're not fucking tourists, man, we're just trying to get back to our home in Jersey.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Metrosexual guy: There are two kinds of people I will never, ever, date. One are people who are culturally ignorant. The second is people from New Jersey.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Mr. Pink

Proper British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jersey!

–BB King Concert, Christ United Church

Overheard by: bb

Uptight 40-something white guy: I can't wait to get safely back in New Jersey!

–A Train

Overheard by: JoshBob

Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?

Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!

–Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St

Overheard by: Nicky

Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: megan

Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!

–143 & Malcolm X

Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!

–33rd & 2nd

Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.

–NYU Palladium Dining Hall

Privacy Maniacs