Archive for the ‘Sensory Experiences’ Category

Now, Less Than Ever

Sales­guy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find any­thing?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The per­fume’s too much for us.
Sales­guy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out even­tu­al­ly.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Am­bu­lances are bad for busi­ness.
Sales­guy: I’ve al­ways want­ed to ride in the back of an am­bu­lance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Ac­tu­al­ly, it’s a bit of a role re­ver­sal. We’re wait­ing for my hus­band to fin­ish shop­ping.
Sales­guy: Oh, which one is your hus­band?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Sales­guy: The one with the pony­tail? Looks like a vam­pire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Sales­guy: Boy, you’re one lucky la­dy.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Sales­guy: Hey, does he have a broth­er?
Chick #1: Yes.
Sales­guy: Just kid­ding. Does he have a sis­ter?
Chick #1: No.
Sales­guy: Oh. Well, I was still kid­ding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Out­side The Body Shop, 76th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Wednes­day Undie-Lin­ers

Guy: Oh, man! It is not a good day to be my un­der­wear!

–Wine Store, 75th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: Raven

10-year-old to lit­tle broth­er: Hey! C’mere! You wan­na play Cap­tain Un­der­pants?

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: dog­boy

Guy on cell: I’m not pay­ing her to smell your un­der­wear!

–57th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Lagsa­lot

Loud old­er gen­tle­man watch­ing peo­ple at sub­way en­trance: They don’t wear brassieres any­more!

–23rd St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Zom­bie Boyfriend

Old­er la­dy in fu­ner­al pro­ces­sion be­hind bag piper wear­ing kilt: I looked. He’s wear­ing un­der­pants.

–120th & Broad­way

Are You Fuck­ing With Me, Ma’am?

An­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl: If you get the ap­ple pome­gran­ate body but­ter…
Weary brunette: I on­ly see the dis­play.
An­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl: We have more in the back. Okay, well, if you get two or more prod­ucts from the bath line, like this and our show­er gel, you get a free bath­tub!
Weary brunette: Huh?
(an­i­mat­ed blonde sales­girl points to a lit­tle plas­tic bath­tub)
Weary brunette: That’s… tiny. Like, I love the scent but I’m afraid I don’t have any kit­tens or fe­tus­es to bathe in that tiny tiny tub.

–Sepho­ra, Times Square

You May Need to Ex­fo­li­ate and Mois­tur­ize

Teenage girl #1: Ew, I have such bad dan­druff. I need to like get rid of it be­cause I can nev­er wear black.
Teenage girl #2: Ew I know, me too! Ex­cept I have crotch dan­druff.
Teenage girl #1: Umm… What’s that?
Teenage girl #2: I don’t know but every time I scratch my crotch it looks like it’s snow­ing.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Does that mean she can’t wear black pants?

And Is­n’t a “Safe­ty Po­si­tion”, Like, a Sex Thing?

Col­lege girl #1: I mean, if I saw a per­son seiz­ing in the mid­dle of the street, I prob­a­bly would­n’t help them.
Col­lege girl #2: Yeah, I would­n’t know what to do.
Col­lege girl #1: She said that be­cause of her first aid class, she knew to put him in a safe­ty po­si­tion, but I don’t even know what that means! I mean, if a per­son is hav­ing a seizure, I don’t think any po­si­tion is very safe for them…

–Madi­son Square Gar­den

Over­heard by: Scar­lett

How to Make a Stu­dent Yearn to Dis­cuss Poly­no­mi­als

Fe­male tu­tor: Okay, so do you want a soy hot choco­late?
12-year-old stu­dent: No, that tastes fun­ny.
Fe­male tu­tor: So you want cow milk, eh? How would you feel if you were hooked up to a ma­chine all day giv­ing milk?
(stu­dent is silent)
Fe­male tu­tor: You know it’s breast milk right?
Stu­dent: Yeah.
Fe­male tu­tor: Moooooo moooooo. (makes suck­ling noise.) Moooo moooo! (Makes suck­ling noise)

–Hop­scotch

Over­heard by: bildita

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Feel a Lot Bet­ter Now

Guy to friends: A girl fart­ed on my head once, and I dat­ed her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he fart­ed in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Over­heard by: Ros­alind

Hobo, fart­ing loud­ly, turn­ing at girl walk­ing be­hind him: That’s for you, you fuck­ing bitch!

–Yel­low Line Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Craigalanche

Lati­na on cell, firm­ly: I’m not bi-cu­ri­ous, I’m just fart-cu­ri­ous

–49th & 5th

Over­heard by: ol­ga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eat­ing Crack­er Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I fin­ished the box, I fart­ed in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week lat­er, I got the sur­prise of my life!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: nel­la