Archive for the ‘Sensory Experiences’ Category

The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.

–LIRR

Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.

–LIRR, Drunk Train

Overheard by: Jason

Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)

–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)

–MacDougal St, The Village

Overheard by: Reid Rogers

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Hipster chick with “valley girl” accent: Ya, like, ohmigod, ewwwwww… So I was reading Cosmo, and like, there was this story, about like, guys’ confessions, you know? And like, this random guy actually said, like, “Sometimes, I rub my dick on my cat’s fur, and it feels good.”

–Washington Square Park

10-year-old girl to another: I bet his idea of a hot girl is the crazy cat lady across the street.

–34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Samantha

Woman to another: I have a friend in Belgium now–we both have cats!

–One World Financial Center

Overheard by: macgeekgrl

Brunette on phone: Do you want to play with your cat or do you want to play with me?

–60th St b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Adam B.

20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: J Cox

All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated

[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed…

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger

Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.

–United Flight

Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.

–LaGuardia Airport

Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.

–JFK Runway

Overheard by: cms

Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta!

–Jet Blue JFK

Wednesday One-Liners: So Lifelike!

Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would totally do it!

–Queens

Middle-aged Latino: I’ve got barbie dolls!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Newspaper vendor: Cause I have that multiple sneezing thing! I hate that crap! I’m like a bobble-head doll!

–96th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Galatea

Girl leaving nail salon: It looks like Malibu Barbie just threw up all over my feet.

–11th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Bill

Despondent little girl in coffee shop: Um, I don’t play with the doll house that much because you said we’re not supposed to play in the meditation room.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Now, Less Than Ever

Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume’s too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we’d pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don’t want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I’ve always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Actually, it’s a bit of a role reversal. We’re waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He’s right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that’s him.
Salesguy: Boy, you’re one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don’t want to come in?

–Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox