Archive for the ‘Sensory Experiences’ Category

Kind of Like the Ocean

Good looking Italian guy, chatting: I was changing the oil on my car. I figure it’s going to shoot out so I put the pail like a foot away. I turned the knob and…whush…all over me…my clothes.
Chubby friend: Good thing you didn’t get it in your mouth.
Italian guy: It doesn’t taste that bad.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sibyl

The Technicolor Yawn Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.

–LIRR

Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it’s hot. C) someone threw up.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Gay NYU student: I’ve already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.

–LIRR, Drunk Train

Overheard by: Jason

Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto’s, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)

–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)

–MacDougal St, The Village

Overheard by: Reid Rogers

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Hipster chick with “valley girl” accent: Ya, like, ohmigod, ewwwwww… So I was reading Cosmo, and like, there was this story, about like, guys’ confessions, you know? And like, this random guy actually said, like, “Sometimes, I rub my dick on my cat’s fur, and it feels good.”

–Washington Square Park

10-year-old girl to another: I bet his idea of a hot girl is the crazy cat lady across the street.

–34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Samantha

Woman to another: I have a friend in Belgium now – we both have cats!

–One World Financial Center

Overheard by: macgeekgrl

Brunette on phone: Do you want to play with your cat or do you want to play with me?

–60th St b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Adam B.

20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: J Cox

All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated

[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed…

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger

Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.

–United Flight

Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.

–LaGuardia Airport

Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.

–JFK Runway

Overheard by: cms

Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta!

–Jet Blue JFK