Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers are Out in the Streets

Hobo: Shit, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta get me some pussy and a beef sand­wich.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Ja­son K

Old bag la­dy: I’m look­ing for some change, some food, or a sex­u­al part­ner.

–Lafayette & Great Jones

Hobo: I have some­thing to say! I fucked your daugh­ter! And she liked it! And she was tight!

–W. 4th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Snezhana Vald­man

Hobo: Too many Po­lice in­ves­ti­ga­tions stop­ping you from reach­ing your des­ti­na­tion? I may be home­less, but I got a brain. It may not be a big brain, but it’s usingable!

–Stat­en Is­land fer­ry

Over­heard by: Joel Guil­bert

Hobo: Well, since you won’t give me mon­ey, one more thing. Has your sis­ter or girl­friend, I don’t know who she is, ever told you that bag does not go with that coat?

–45th & 9th

Over­heard by: Paul Schel­len­berg

Drunk hobo: Hey girl! You look like Aretha Fran­lin! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! R‑E-S-E-C-P‑T! Give me some re­spect!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Evan

Hobo: It’s 90 de­grees out. Why are we wear­ing clothes? That’s men­tal ill­ness.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter sta­tion

…In the 1800s

Girl: Oh my god, I just found out that my high school dra­ma teacher has been sleep­ing with the kid who’s the star in all of the shows.
Boy: Shit!
Girl: Yeah, I heard they’re both in jail now or some­thing.
Boy: That’s like the time that fam­i­ly in my town had those slaves.

–Crowd­ed El­e­va­tor, NYU

Over­heard by: con­fused

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Sales­woman to cus­tomer on busy day: Some days you re­al­ly should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Loud black la­dy on cell: Moth­a­fuck­ah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some oth­er… [whis­pers] bitch.

–Mail room, Fi­nan­cial Dis­trict

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on any­one else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Over­heard by: Eye­teeth

Con­duc­tor: Jes­si­ca! Jes­si­ca! Girl, you on this train. Jes­si­ca Eliz­a­beth! I’m tak­ing you home, girl.

–6 train

Over­heard by: frida­holic

Sad­ly, the G Train Com­mu­ni­ty Nev­er Ful­ly Ac­cept­ed Him Again

Ham­mered 20-year-old, scream­ing: Yo, I fucked my boss! Yo, I fucked my boss! You ever fuck your boss? [Points to friend] He had to fuck some fat chick and I got my dick sucked all night by my boss! Yo, and she’s, like, 30. [Starts hump­ing pole] She was like, ‘Uh­hh, Jim*, give it to me! Fuck me hard­er!’

He falls on the floor, rolling around with more man­ic laugh­ter.

Friend: Yo, shut up. I got­ta take this train when I’m sober.

–G train

Over­heard by: Please don’t look

Wednes­days Are Pro­found­ly One-Linered

Yan­kees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yan­kees sta­di­um I’ll be like a re­tard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Da­nial

Po­lice of­fi­cer in van, on loud­speak­er: Move to the right! (peo­ple in cars ig­nore the or­der) Re­tards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, rant­i­ng: You can’t have sex with peo­ple who aren’t re­tard­ed be­cause they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Over­heard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I nev­er said that I was­n’t re­tard­ed. Tech­ni­cal­ly, I’m not a hyp­ocrite.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Heav­i­ly made-up girl: Do you think re­tard­ed peo­ple are, like, con­cep­tu­al­ly aware that they’re re­tard­ed?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a re­tard­ed Jack Rus­sell Ter­ri­er is com­plete­ly for­eign to me, be­cause as I re­call, Wish­bone was ex­cep­tion­al­ly well-read.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty