Cashier #1, holding black deflated balloon-thing: Dis thing don’t work, I been blowin’ it, but it don’t blow.
Cashier #2: It ain’t blow? You try to poke it? Wha’ happen when you pokin it ?
Cashier #1: I just been tryin’ to stick it in, and it ain’t work.
–Duane Ready
Overheard by: I Love Duane Reed
Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.
–Macy’s, Herald Square
Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.
–Mail room, Financial District
Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!
–M14 bus
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.
–6 train
Overheard by: fridaholic
Hipster guy: So, I just don’t have room.
Smartass girl: You have room for me in your bed.
Hipster guy, after long pause: Ummm, maybe.
–St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Yours Truly
Hammered 20-year-old, screaming: Yo, I fucked my boss! Yo, I fucked my boss! You ever fuck your boss? [Points to friend] He had to fuck some fat chick and I got my dick sucked all night by my boss! Yo, and she’s, like, 30. [Starts humping pole] She was like, ‘Uhhh, Jim*, give it to me! Fuck me harder!’
He falls on the floor, rolling around with more manic laughter.
Friend: Yo, shut up. I gotta take this train when I’m sober.
–G train
Overheard by: Please don’t look
Yankees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yankees stadium I’ll be like a retard at a Chuck E. Cheese.
–Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Danial
Police officer in van, on loudspeaker: Move to the right! (people in cars ignore the order) Retards! You heard me! Move to the right!
–27th St & 10th Ave
Crazy guy, ranting: You can’t have sex with people who aren’t retarded because they charge too damn much!
–V Train
Overheard by: Ryan P.
Guy to girl: I never said that I wasn’t retarded. Technically, I’m not a hypocrite.
–L Train
Overheard by: Julia
Heavily made-up girl: Do you think retarded people are, like, conceptually aware that they’re retarded?
–6 Train
Overheard by: You tell me
Girl: The idea of a retarded Jack Russell Terrier is completely foreign to me, because as I recall, Wishbone was exceptionally well-read.
–Columbia University
Guy: It’s just that, well, fucking you didn’t live up to my fantasy of fucking you.
Girl, after long pause: Yeah, I guess I can understand that…
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Devin
Skinny white guy: I’m like, really excited for that Israel parade. Like, I think it will be a really nice experience for me.
Jewish girl: Mmhmm.
Skinny white guy: No, I’m serious. I love Jews. And like, I’m not just saying it to get into your pants.
–Penn Station
LI girl #1: God, I am so horny!
LI girl #2: When we get to the concert, we’ll find some guys to fuck.
–2 train
Overheard by: Triborough
Teenage girl #1: I’m bored.
Teenage girl #2: No, I will not have sex with you now.
–N Train
Overheard by: eri
Two hobos are having a quarrel.
Bum: No, no, man, we can’t fuck each other; we gotta find two women to fuck!
–Herald Square
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
