Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

No Shit?

Teen boy #1: Yo son, butt sex mad dis­gust­ing.
Teen boy #2: No, it ain’t. If she shit be­fore you do it you won’t get no poop on yo dick.
Teen boy #1: Pfft. They al­ways be shit in her ass even if she shits.
Teen boy #2: Nah, son.
Teen boy #1: When you pull the mush­room out there gonna be shit un­der it.
Teen boy #2: Ha, ha, ha! No, it ain’t…Ask her about it.

–R train

Over­heard by: Evan Walsh

Shows What You Know– My Girl­friend’s a Les­bian.

Street ven­dor: T‑shirts, get your “I love New York” t‑shirts! On­ly three dol­lars. Much bet­ter than you’d nor­mal­ly get at a store. T‑shirts, get your t‑shirts!
20-some­thing guy to girl­friend: Too ex­pen­sive, babe. Sor­ry.
Ven­dor to guy: Yeah, well your girl­friend can have one for free be­cause of how amaz­ing she was last night.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i LOVE new york

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Just “So­cia­ble”

Drunk gay man: I’ve slept with more men than my mom has!

–Ave A

Over­heard by: Let his own mom win that con­test

Woman to man: I don’t want to be known as the whore of New York­ers.

–9th Ave & 44th St

Woman on cell: It’s just sex. There’s no way you guys can ever be per­ma­nent­ly tied, or any­thing.

–Ma­cy’s

Prep­py, mid­dle-aged woman, about man on iPhone: Who is that whore?

–Book­store, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: ‑she prob­a­bly said

Fig­ures Don’t Lie

Girl: How long since we broke up is it okay for my ex to start hav­ing sex?
Guy: Who broke up with who?
Girl: I broke up with him last week. He slept with four girls since.
Guy: I think if you broke up with him, it’s okay for him.
Girl: Damn, cause I on­ly slept with one guy since. But I did cheat on him with three guys, so we’re even.

–21st St

Over­heard by: learn­ing some­thing new every­day

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

I’m Putting You Down As a “No”

Guy #1: Yo, could you ever dou­ble team a girl?
Guy #2: Yes. Don’t care if there’s a naked dude right next to me, I’d rail the bitch with him. Eif­fel Tow­er that shit.
Guy #3: Fuck that. I’d feel mad weird be­ing naked next to an­oth­er naked guy, just bang­ing some girl… Maybe I could do it if I had my clothes on. Like, I could just fuck her through the fly. That way it would­n’t be weird.

–East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Hi­ro­mi