Well-dressed 20-something woman: So yeah, I keep having sex with all these beautiful women, and then I have no memory of it whatsoever…
Well-dressed 20-something man: You’re so lucky. I was roofied once, but my friends were with me the whole time. When I went to the doctor and got blood tests and they found Rohypnol in my system, I was like “and I didn’t even fucking get laid?” (pause) That was literally my first reaction.
–Bowery & Prince
Overheard by: Sealed Beverage Drinker
Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for “brighten up your day” train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–B Train
Overheard by: ryder
Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in “money,” the N as in “Nick,” and the R as in “Romeoooooo!”
–D Train
Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in “David.” D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in “Dustin Hoffman.” He’s that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that’s in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He’s a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That’s you, bro!
–Arthur Ave
Overheard by: eternal student
Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for “vagina”. We’re on the F. F for “fuck.”
–Downtown F Train
Overheard by: CL
Conductor: There is no C train like “Charlie” all weekend. The D train like “Dick” is helping us out. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It’s okay, you’ll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.
–A Train
Overheard by: Nay
Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.
–11th & 2nd
Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.
–Post office, Park Slope
Chick on cell: …so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters…
–In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square
Overheard by: Carol
Chick to friends: He was like, “Say you love me. Say my name. Say, ‘I love you John*!’ And I was like, “Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?”
–Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
College girl: Whenever I tell anyone that I was there when you dislocated your shoulder they ask if it’s my fault ’cause we were having sex.
20-ish guy: Hahaha! Yeah, me, too. I had one guy ask me, ‘Did it happen while you were [pelvic thrusts] uh, uh, uh?‘
College girl, excitedly: That’s exactly what my dad said!
–Riverside Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Queer #1: Okay, the question is, would you do Anderson Cooper?
Queer #2: I’d do him.
Queer #3: I’d do him too.
Queer #4: I wouldn’t do him.
Queer #5: I so wouldn’t do him.
Queer #6: I would do him.
Queer #1: I wouldn’t do him. Can anyone count? Was it a tie? Shit. Now what?
–Food Bar, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Laight
Woman #1: … So his mom taught him.
Woman #2: His mother taught him.
Woman #1: Yeah.
Woman #2: To eat pussy?
Woman #1: Yeah.
Woman #2: That’s disgusting!
Woman #1: He’s really good at it, though.
–D train
Young guy: Oh, whatever, we all know you have short, stubby legs.
Young woman: That’s not what you say when they’re around your neck.
–Citrus Bar & Grill
Drunk girl, clearly underage: Hahaha…
Drunk man, half-carrying her: Come on, let’s go get you pregnant.
Drunk girl, gasping happily: I love babies!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: more than willing to help
Guy on cell: In a wig, with his pants down, watching her from his car.
–33rd St, Astoria
Overheard by: Ferna
Teen to another: Barack Obama said, “pull your pants up!”
–Broadway & 72nd St
NYU girl: I wanna do it, and I wanna do it in my pants box.
–Weinstein Hall, NYU
Border’s employee to man sleeping in chair: Sir, could you please wake up? …and also zip up your pants.
–Borders
Guy on phone: Well, I guess I thought you might be kind of gay after you invited me to that “no pants” party.
–Astoria
Man: I just like to smoke crack, get naked and fuck young boys. Is that wrong?
Woman: That is very wrong.
–East Village
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist