Archive for the ‘Shoot’ Category

I Thought Your Pump-up Jam Was “If I Could Turn Back Time”?

[“Um­brel­la” by ri­han­na is be­ing loud­ly played.]Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is to­tal­ly what you hear be­fore you start shoot­ing kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, ex­cuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it’s like your pump-up jam.

–E 10th St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: Dy­ing of laugh­ter

It’s All Greek to Me

Busi­ness­guy: It’s a small world.
Busi­ness­chick: Es­pe­cial­ly in As­to­ria!
Busi­ness­guy: Ha, ha, ha!
Busi­ness­chick: Hee, hee.

–Mid­town of­fice

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a Freak Flag, and They’re Gonna Fly It

Carnie: Come play Shoot the Freak! What d’ya come to Coney Is­land for, to swim in dirty wa­ter?

–Board­walk, Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Je­na

Guy: Shut up and nev­er call me again, you freak.

–56th & 13th, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: bob­by

Ped­dler: Coney Is­land Freak Show t‑shirts! It’s the new Guc­ci!

–Siren Mu­sic Fest, Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Sine­stro

Janie Got a Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Voice over em­ploy­ee’s walkie-talkie: Okay, I re­al­ly need those guns. Any­one who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Be­yond

Ob­nox­ious woman: So I said, “moth­er­fuck­er, I’m not your sister–I’m your cousin. So I will shoot you.”

–Up­town 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain’t got no bul­lets, you got­s­ta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Over­heard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hop­per, try­ing to sell CD: It’s clean mu­sic, and I ain’t nev­er shot no one!

–Union Square

20-some­thing guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it’s over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Emi­ly David­son

Dude, af­ter chat­ting to po­lice­woman: I just have a thing for women in uni­form! My mind says, “no, no, set­tle down,” and my pe­nis says, “but she’s got a gun!”

–Hud­son & Laight

Ful­ly Au­to­mat­ic Wa­ter-Cooled As­sault Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!

–Gate, Newark Air­port

Over­heard by: minkey

Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nig­ga I shot at that nig­ga!

–43rd & 7th

Over­heard by: Alex

Guy with fa­cial pierc­ings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’

–Penn Sta­tion

Woman on cell: Kings Coun­ty is the best hos­pi­tal to go to if you get shot in New York.

–14th & Union Square

Over­heard by: Mole

Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shoot­ings. And be­sides, this is my stop.

–7 train, Queens

Over­heard by: Mrs. LeClair