Archive for the ‘Shoot’ Category

Fully Automatic Water-Cooled Assault Wednesday One-Liners

Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!

–Gate, Newark Airport

Overheard by: minkey

Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with facial piercings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.

–14th & Union Square

Overheard by: Mole

Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.

–7 train, Queens

Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

He Means the Dog, You Crummy Jerk!

A Lab suddenly breaks free from the parking tenant and runs into the street and starts nipping at the skirt of a lady walking with her boyfriend.

Parking guy #1: Yo! Come on, pooch! Get your ass over here! Fuckin’ bitch!
Parking guy #2: Yo! That bitch is crazy, B!
Lady: What in the fuck is that?
Guy: Clearly it’s a dog, hon.
Lady: No shit! Get it the fuck away from me!
Passing dude: Damn…see that’s the beauty of the hood…that bitch would have been shot. No question, yo!

–48th & 8th 

Overheard by: E‑nigmatic

It’s All Greek to Me

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.

–Midtown office

My New Wife, Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Man, you think Lee Harvey Oswald had good aim? You should meet my wife. 

–B train

Overheard by: Jess Issacharoff 

Woman: Her bridal shower was her sweet sixteen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got married? But honey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my husband.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your husband who’s been cheating on you for two fucking years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s really lonely since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lotion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t trying to see you nothin’. I want to marry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth! 

–Atlantic Avenue gas station

Overheard by: Megan 

Gate agent: You need to listen to me. Don’t listen to your wife. Your wife doesn’t work here.

–Newark airport

Overheard by: jk

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Freak Flag, and They’re Gonna Fly It

Carnie: Come play Shoot the Freak! What d’ya come to Coney Island for, to swim in dirty water?

–Boardwalk, Coney Island

Overheard by: Jena

Guy: Shut up and never call me again, you freak.

–56th & 13th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: bobby

Peddler: Coney Island Freak Show t‑shirts! It’s the new Gucci!

–Siren Music Fest, Coney Island

Overheard by: Sinestro