Archive for the ‘Shoot’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are Older, but No Wiser

Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs. –W 72nd St & Broadway Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs! –Broome & Essex Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill. –Starbucks Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya? –27th & Broadway Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body? –Bowery Overheard by: Lauren Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture) –53rd St & 10th Ave Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me! –Carnegie Hall

God Bless the LIRR

30-something guy: Have you ever shot an AK-47?
40-something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30-something guy: How did it feel?
40-something girl: Pulling that trigger… It's amazing.
30-something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40-something girl: Yes! When did you?
30-something guy: It was one of those “wrong place at the wrong time” situations… I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird? –LIRR Overheard by: Francesca

Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner

Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal. –Bed Bath & Beyond Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister–I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you." –Uptown 2 Train Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee! –23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Overheard by: Zach Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one! –Union Square 20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old! –19th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Emily Davidson Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!" –Hudson & Laight

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: It's at the point now it doesn't matter too much if my wife gets mad, it's the nanny I can't upset. (other men laugh and agree) –Uptown A Train Female employee: I do not want to go to anger management for a third time. –115th & 5th Overheard by: Tara Girl to guy: You seem like the kind of person that would be mad if they got shot. –Wildwood, Park Ave & 18th St Overheard by: Sean Mom to three-year-old son: You mad? You mad? Well, you know what "mad" is spelled backwards, right? "D-a-m." Ain't nothin' you can do about that. –St. Nicholas Ave & 127th St Overheard by: stella ho Thug: She's just mad 'cause she's Mexican. –Staten Island Mall Overheard by: Wendla B. Hostess running out of restaurant: Angry couple who just left the bar! You forgot your credit card! –The Village Overheard by: DW

Wednesday One-Liner Can Drink Milk As Adults

Crazy guy (inexplicably overjoyed): Heyyyyy! White people! –1 Train Gay black man on cell: She is such a delicate white cunt, she can't raise her own child. She needs a Jamaican man to do it. –45th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Kristy Magyar Angry black guy: I swear to god I'm bout to start slappin' white people. –Union Station Overheard by: scared white guy White English guy to Anglo-Filipino chick: I don't think we'll be welcome there because we're white. –Nostrand & St. Mark's, Brooklyn Black guy: Man, I love white people, and I never shot anybody! –Times Square Panicked child: Mommy, why are there so many white people here? –Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting