Duane Reade cashier: Do you have a club card?
Crazy hobo: No, I don't have a club card. I work my way through this life. I don't need nobody doin' me no favors. A favor is like a handjob. I don't need one.
–Duane Reade
Archive for the ‘Shopping’ Category
Like Being Pummeled by Thousands of Tiny Penises
Salesman demonstrating massager on self: It’s supposed to be heavy so that the weight of it helps massage your shoulders.
Middle-aged woman, unimpressed: What about that one?
Salesman, picking up new massager: This is a vibrator.
Middle-aged woman: [Stunned silence.]Salesman: Uh, I mean, it operates using vibration — the first one’s called a percussion massager. It’s just a… different type of massager.
–Brookstone, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: she didn’t buy either one
Really? Because It Looks Nice
Girl #1: Ooh look, a new Whole Foods!
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: It looks nice. Have you been inside?
Girl #2: Yep, I’ve been inside.
Girl #1: How was it?
Girl #2: It was nice.
–E Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: Ryan St.Clair
Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa
Hipster on cell: I’m not even buying anything. I’m just here to be seen.
–Trader Joe’s
Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!
–Lobby, the Met
Overheard by: Shayna
Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!
–W 4th & Christopher St
Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who’s ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior… But he was black.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..
Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won’t fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?
–St. Mark’s Pl
You Should See Me Squeeze the Melons
Enraged hipster: Clearly, I am not a child!
Hipster friends: (silence)
Enraged hipster: I do my own grocery shopping!
–10th St & University Place
Overheard by: PotatoPuff
You Need More Gay Friends
Girlfriend, brandishing perfume: What do you think of this?
Boyfriend: Between ‘I don’t know’ and ‘What the hell are you talking about,’ I’d say a three.
–Sephora, Times Square
Either Way, We're Talking About Small Leather Goods, Right?
Elderly lady #1, window shopping: What did you do with all your Gucci stuff?
Elderly lady #2: Coochie stuff? Why would I have coochie stuff?
Elderly lady #1: No, Gloria, I said “Gucci!”
–60th St b/w Madison & Park Ave
Overheard by: Emily
Shopping Can Be A Grueling Ordeal
Lady: Where is the restroom?
Einstein: There’s one on 4 near the bathrooms, and one up on 6 near the bathrooms.
–Filene’s Basement, Union Square
Overheard by: Erika Karnell
Gay Men: Welcome to Our World, Straight Boy!
Girl: I gotta buy a new hair dryer.
Guy: You just got one like two weeks ago!
Girl: Yeah, I know, but I don't like it. I mean, it dries my hair, but not the way I like.
Guy: (sighs)
–E 84th St
Overheard by: Lisa Freestone
It Only Got Worse When She Whipped out an Abacus
Lady #1: That’s cute. [Gesturing to jungle-print stretchy book cover.] Where’d you get it?
Lady #2: The 99-cent store.
Lady #1: How much was it?
Headline by: peetower
Runners-Up:
· “And what did it cost to install it?” – Jerry Jeff
· “Green.” – sandie
· “The same as one of your “services”” – Numerica
· “There are three kinds of people in the world–those than can count and those who can’t” – Cousin Al
· “What’s in a name, really?” – Rionn Fears Malechem