Archive for the ‘Shopping’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Think of It As Borrowing

Young boy to another, whispering: I’m gonna knock you off ‚and then I’m gonna steal your M&Ms.

–FAO Schwartz

Overheard by: amused tourist

Cabbie: Something wicked just crossed my mind. One dark night I’m going to come here and steal all the stop signs.

–Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Suriya

Angry queer suit as a Honda’s car alarm goes off: What the fuck?! What the fuck?! Nobody would ever try to steal that piece of shit!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: C. Gray

Thug: Look, these glasses are f’real! I bought them off a nigga who had just stolen them from the jewelry store!

–125th & Broadway

Hipster chick on cell: Why don’t you just stay at a real hotel where you can steal all the soaps and stuff?

–2nd St, between Bowery & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jake

Little boy to little girl while nanny is distracted: I love outdoor shopping, because it’s easier to steal things!

–11th & University

Overheard by: Cooper Cheatham

The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves

20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.

–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch

Overheard by: Kelli Jo

Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.

–7th Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: Oh no he didn’t.…

Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!

–4 Train

Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard’s Obama.

–Kent Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trekkie

Diner to companion: Since Obama’s been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They’re testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they’re testing his gallstones.

–Teddy’s Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)

–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens

If Your Father Hadn’t Slapped Me, You Wouldn’t Have Been Born

Old woman: Mom, look at this bag. Isn’t it cute?
Really old woman: Ewww! No!

She slaps her daughter’s wrist.

Really old woman: It’s ugly! That color! You have no taste!
Old woman: Jeez, Mom. I just thought it would be a nice bag for spring. You didn’t have to slap me.
Really old woman: Now I won’t have to look at it! Or you!

–Lord and Taylor

Wednesday One-Liners Happen

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Hip dude: I was like: “Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit.”

–W 4th

Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!

–53rd & 7th Ave

If the Wednesday Fits, One-Liner It

Young thug to friends: Stop, stop, stop! Stop, seriously, stop. C’mon, I’m not kidding! Seriously. I have shoe phobia!

–Metro-North Rail

Guy with shoe in hand, catching up to woman who lost it: Here you go, Cinderella!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: thorn

Manager of ladies’ shoe store: It’s easy to close. You put the hooker boots – all this hoochie stuff, with the hooker boots, you put the flats with the flats, you put the day shoes with the day shoes. Now, Narnia over there is another story…

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Sarah R

Chick to guy: If you buy me Jimmy Choos, I’ll have your baby.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lets hope she’ll have the baby anyway…

Four-year-old girl stepping out of taxi: Mommy, can we go online to buy shoes today?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: …wow.

Overheard Goes to the Midnight Premiere

Stormtrooper: Man, I can’t even move in this thing.

Star Wars geek #1: They said no dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: No lightsaber duels?
Star Wars geek #2: No, the’re no lightsaber dueling in the theater.
Star Wars geek #1: But they’re dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: Yeah, but he’s Yoda.

Lady: Look, I’ve been saving this seat since Attack of the Clones.

Dude: Cool lightsaber.
Dork: Thanks.
Dude: Where’d you get it? Geek.com?
Dork: No. Borders. 

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street 

Nerd: At this point, my expectations are so low, as long as Darth Vader’s in it and a lot of people get killed, I’ll be happy. 

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street 

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Fanboy: That was great. Now all we need is the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase the first two.

–Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street 

Overheard by: Jaybill McCarthy

Wednesdays Pray Their One-Liners Don’t Go Condo

Middle-aged woman to others: Just because she’s got her own apartment, she thinks she has it all together.

–Near NYU

Overheard by: Eric

20-something guy to another, about his apartment: All I want to do in my apartment is die.

–Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dodd Loomis

Woman on cell, walking briskly: There was blood all over the apartment…

–E 9th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave

Cashier to male shopper: Dude, your apartment is rent-stabilized and you have food stamps? You are so rich!

–Whole Foods, Houston & Bowery

20-something trendy Jonas Brother-looking dude on cell: No, I sleep on the couch that’s in the kitchen. (short pause) I’ll tell you about my apartment later.

–9th Ave b/w 14th & 15th

Overheard by: Dash