Archive for the ‘Shopping’ Category

It Only Got Worse When She Whipped out an Abacus

Lady #1: That’s cute. [Gesturing to jungle-print stretchy book cover.] Where’d you get it?
Lady #2: The 99-cent store.
Lady #1: How much was it?

Headline by: peetower

Runners-Up:

· “And what did it cost to install it?” – Jerry Jeff

· “Green.” – sandie

· “The same as one of your “services”” – Numerica

· “There are three kinds of people in the world–those than can count and those who can’t” – Cousin Al

· “What’s in a name, really?” – Rionn Fears Malechem


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

For Emily, Wherever This Quote May Find Her

Guy on cell talking loudly: Where the fuck are you, Emily? (pause) Are you shopping? Don't lie to me, Emily! I will come over there and fucking beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don't care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your lying ass around. (pause) You don't buy me shit, Emily. Do you buy me my underwear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purses and shoes you have? Me!
Random Dominican teenage girl: Damn, Emily really don't buy him nothing.

–Lucky Star Bus

Overheard by: chinatown bus traveler

Wednesday One-Liners! They're Just Like Us!

Creepy dad, cheerfully, to seven-year-old daughter: There's only one Lindsay Lohan!

–Downtown 1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Jewish girl to friend: You know how ever since I got my shnoz done people tell me I look like Amy Winehouse?

–116th St & Broadway

Crazy black guy on bus, to no one in particular: Derek Jeter looks just like Robert Deniro, man… Just like him!

–N6 Bus

Overheard by: looks like paris hilton?

Larger reporter: I'm not going to save clothes that fit me before I gained weight in case I lose it. If I lose weight, I'm going to buy some new damn clothes. I don't want to wear stuff from 1987. I'll look stupid, I'll look like Mischa Barton.

–Midtown Office

Overheard by: you wont be mischa's size

Hipster girl to friend: I mean, I really like him… But he thinks River Phoenix is a place.

–East Village

Wednesday One-Liners: “Is This Thing On?”

PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18th & 6th

Overheard by: Rebecca

Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o'clock!

–Baggage Claim, JFK

Overheard by: Kimmie

Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully-cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They're hot! They're fresh! And they were alive this morning!

–Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Stacy

Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I'm sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they're about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean "flag football" will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.

–East Side Community High School