Little boy: I farted!
Mother: Oh, Andrew, that's gross.
Grandma: Yes, say “excuse me” and then get out of here.
Little boy: Bombs away!
–Target, Queens
Archive for the ‘Should’ve Used a Condom’ Category
Having Strangers Discipline Your Kids Is Mmm Mmm Good
Screaming child: I want a new hat!
Latino nanny: Calm down before I turn you into soup!
–Madison Ave & 81st St
I'm Beginning to Regret Naming You Descartes
Little girl: What is that?
Mom: An ornament on a branch.
Little girl: Why is it an ornament on a branch?
Mom: Because it is.
Little girl: Why is it because it is?
–St. Lukes Holiday Festival, Hudson & Christopher
Overheard by: nosey nancy
Roe vs. Wednesday One-Liners
Guy, selling comedy tickets: Come on, guys, see the show! It’s cheaper than a Chinese abortion.
–Times Square
Kid: You may think of abortion like, "Oh, it’s gone!"
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Emilia
Girl: Now I understand why people steal babies! It totally makes sense! We should legalize abortion.
–68th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Manic Mouse
Queer on phone: No, I’ve told you. I’m atheist, I don’t want to go to church with you. Well, I dunno what to tell you, mother, it’s too late for an abortion now. Maybe you should have used a condom.
–CVS , Cedarhurst, Long Island
Overheard by: Queer CVS clerk
Guy: So, she starts talking about abortion while I got a fuckin’ boner and I’m like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"
–W 42nd St & 8th Ave
“…No! Not that! Anything but that!”
Toddler boy: I don’t need to go anymore.
Dad: I just waited in line for ten minutes. You better fart or something.
–Public bathroom, Coney Island
Overheard by: Ronnie Saha
Diary of a Bulimic, the Early Years
Boy: Daddy, can I have Skittles?
Dad: No.
Boy: Why not?
Dad: Cause your tummy hurts, remember?
Boy: But it doesn't hurt now, so can I have it?
Dad: No.
Boy: Daddy, can I have some chips?
–Union Square
Overheard by: white ace rules
Who’s Your Daddy?
Man: Ay, Mami, looking good today…
Woman: Can’t you see I am with my son?
Little boy: You’re his mommy too?
–14th & 3rd
Overheard by: Constantino
Six Wednesday One-Liners Under
Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
–Time Square
HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
–Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
–7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
–8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.
–4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Cori
Or You Could Swallow a Twinkie
Guy #1: I don’t know man, I thought when I had kids I would no longer want another woman. I thought it would end you?
Guy #2: Yeah yeah, it never ends.
Guy #1: If kids doesn’t do it, how do you make it stop?
Guy #2: Cupcakes.
–Bodega, 3rd Avenue & 10th Street
On Appeal, the Court Reverses the Cookie Transaction and Remands the Name Issue to the District Court for Adjudication
Little girl #1: What’s your name?
Little girl #2: No!
Little girl #1: Want a cookie?
Little girl #2, snatching it and shoving it in her mouth: No!
–Sandbox, Prospect Park
Overheard by: braincurve