Woman: I ain’t havin’ no more babies out of wedlock. I mean I only got this one here but that’s it. He better put a ring on my finger if he want another one. –Ave B and 6th St.
Archive for the ‘Should’ve Used a Condom’ Category
Because a Suffocated Kid “Up There” Isn’t Trouble
A lady and her family are standing up in the train. It’s very crowded and her little boy isn’t holding onto anything. He keeps falling against her with his face right in her crotch as the train swerves. She says: That’s right, I’m gonna push you back up in there. Four years of nothing but trouble! –1 train
Even at Bed, Bath and Beyoobies?
Two-year-old boy, pointing at dinnerware: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at pots: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at woman: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: Yes, but that's rude.
–Bed Bath & Beyond
…Away from Witnesses
Mom on stoop: Don't you skate too far from the house!
Four-year-old boy on skateboard: Moooooooom! Go insiiiiide the hoooooouse! I don't need you!
Mom neighbor: Did he just tell me to go inside the house? Boy, you just wait till *you* come inside the house!
–Monroe & Franklin, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Tigertail
My Mom’s Fucking Advice Was Way Off
Mom: …and you have to hold my hand before we go out into the street.
Little girl: Best fucking advice ever.
–106th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Wednesday One-Liners: Now with Coloring Placemat Menus
Small child in large line of kids to woman carrying first-aid kit: Hey, Miss Cynthia, I can’t wait to disappear! –Lawton St, & Bushwick Ave, Brooklyn Boy pointing at guy dressed as Statue of Liberty: We waited this whole time just to see that?! –Line for Statue of Liberty, Battery Park Little girl: Daddy! I’m hard! –Blockbuster Overheard by: Abram Small boy: Mommy, you sit over there next to Grandma, and I’ll sit over here next to myself. –Brooklyn-bound F train Overheard by: post-modern self-identity is a funny thing Sobbing little boy in stroller to mother: Why can’t you just settle me dowwwn?! –48th St & Madison Overheard by: Micaela
Hush, Little Wednesday, Don't You One-Liner
Mother to screaming child: Please stop crying and put your coat on. I am not hurting you or torturing you, so please stop crying. –4th Ave, Brooklyn Overheard by: olivejuice Father to kid who just started crying: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait until we got home! –Park Slope, Brooklyn Overheard by: Lucian Guy to girl, on Valentine's Day: You look fat when you cry. –Cobble Hill Overheard by: MJB Hispanic man on phone to girlfriend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be breaking up with me because I hit you! –Staten Island Ferry Guy to girlfriend: I'm sorry I pulled your hair while you were crying. –Bowery & 2nd
When You Decide to Have Kids, You're in for a Rocky Road.
Mother, about her hyperactive child: Looooong day. Long day, and too much ice cream.
Hyperactive child: No.
–King Tut Exhibit, Times Square
Overheard by: Sarah
Eat This– It'll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!
Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!
–Bagel Shop, The Village
Overheard by: wilpon
Only If You Do It with Mad Flair.
Polite, cute seven-year-old black boy to mother: Mommy, how was your day?
Hot mom: Nice, I had a very nice day. Thank you for asking. How was your day?
Little boy: Pimpin! Can I play Wii when we get home, please?
–B Train