Archive for the ‘Should’ve Used a Condom’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners: Now with Coloring Placemat Menus

Small child in large line of kids to woman carrying first-aid kit: Hey, Miss Cynthia, I can’t wait to disappear!

–Lawton St, & Bushwick Ave, Brooklyn

Boy pointing at guy dressed as Statue of Liberty: We waited this whole time just to see that?!

–Line for Statue of Liberty, Battery Park

Little girl: Daddy! I’m hard!

–Blockbuster

Overheard by: Abram

Small boy: Mommy, you sit over there next to Grandma, and I’ll sit over here next to myself.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: post-modern self-identity is a funny thing

Sobbing little boy in stroller to mother: Why can’t you just settle me dowwwn?!

–48th St & Madison

Overheard by: Micaela

Hush, Little Wednesday, Don't You One-Liner

Mother to screaming child: Please stop crying and put your coat on. I am not hurting you or torturing you, so please stop crying.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: olivejuice

Father to kid who just started crying: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait until we got home!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lucian

Guy to girl, on Valentine's Day: You look fat when you cry.

–Cobble Hill

Overheard by: MJB

Hispanic man on phone to girlfriend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be breaking up with me because I hit you!

–Staten Island Ferry

Guy to girlfriend: I'm sorry I pulled your hair while you were crying.

–Bowery & 2nd

Eat This– It'll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!

Little boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Little boy: But I'm begging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time until it's Hanukkah, buddy.
Little boy: Now you'll never get me a present!
Dad: (begins to leave with the little boy)
Little boy: I am not moving until it's Hanukkah!

–Bagel Shop, The Village

Overheard by: wilpon