Archive for the ‘Should've Used a Condom’ Category

Or You Could Swal­low a Twinkie

Guy #1: I don’t know man, I thought when I had kids I would no longer want an­oth­er woman. I thought it would end you?
Guy #2: Yeah yeah, it nev­er ends.
Guy #1: If kids does­n’t do it, how do you make it stop?
Guy #2: Cup­cakes.

–Bode­ga, 3rd Av­enue & 10th Street

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: Now with Col­or­ing Place­mat Menus

Small child in large line of kids to woman car­ry­ing first-aid kit: Hey, Miss Cyn­thia, I can’t wait to dis­ap­pear!

–Law­ton St, & Bush­wick Ave, Brook­lyn

Boy point­ing at guy dressed as Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty: We wait­ed this whole time just to see that?!

–Line for Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty, Bat­tery Park

Lit­tle girl: Dad­dy! I’m hard!

–Block­buster

Over­heard by: Abram

Small boy: Mom­my, you sit over there next to Grand­ma, and I’ll sit over here next to my­self.

–Brook­lyn-bound F train

Over­heard by: post-mod­ern self-iden­ti­ty is a fun­ny thing

Sob­bing lit­tle boy in stroller to moth­er: Why can’t you just set­tle me dowwwn?!

–48th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Mi­caela

Hush, Lit­tle Wednes­day, Don’t You One-Lin­er

Moth­er to scream­ing child: Please stop cry­ing and put your coat on. I am not hurt­ing you or tor­tur­ing you, so please stop cry­ing.

–4th Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: olive­juice

Fa­ther to kid who just start­ed cry­ing: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait un­til we got home!

–Park Slope, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Lu­cian

Guy to girl, on Valen­tine’s Day: You look fat when you cry.

–Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: MJB

His­pan­ic man on phone to girl­friend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be break­ing up with me be­cause I hit you!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Guy to girl­friend: I’m sor­ry I pulled your hair while you were cry­ing.

–Bow­ery & 2nd

Eat This– It’ll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!

Lit­tle boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Lit­tle boy: But I’m beg­ging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time un­til it’s Hanukkah, bud­dy.
Lit­tle boy: Now you’ll nev­er get me a present!
Dad: (be­gins to leave with the lit­tle boy)
Lit­tle boy: I am not mov­ing un­til it’s Hanukkah!

–Bagel Shop, The Vil­lage

Over­heard by: wilpon