Archive for the ‘Should've Used a Condom’ Category

Eat This– It’ll Be Hanukah in Your Mouth!

Lit­tle boy: When will it be Hanukkah?
Dad: Not for a while.
Lit­tle boy: But I’m beg­ging you for Hanukkah.
Dad: You got some time un­til it’s Hanukkah, bud­dy.
Lit­tle boy: Now you’ll nev­er get me a present!
Dad: (be­gins to leave with the lit­tle boy)
Lit­tle boy: I am not mov­ing un­til it’s Hanukkah!

–Bagel Shop, The Vil­lage

Over­heard by: wilpon

Wednes­day One­sie Lin­ers

Woman on cell, loud­ly: No, no, my baby’s get­ting fixed that day!

–5th Ave

Yup­pie thug in three-piece suit, loud­ly on cell while rid­ing es­ca­la­tor: So you sayin’ it’s mines? How you know it’s mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain’t been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain’t been no ba­by sprung up out­ta my dick! I ain’t no adop­tion agency!

–Bor­ders, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: IJust­Want­to­Browse­Madon­na’s­Broth­er’sTell-AllinPeace

20-some­thing male on cell: What did I tell you about hav­ing sex with peo­ple who have baby­ma­ma prob­lems? That’s why I gave up my crush on Bris­tol Palin.

–110th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Top­i­cal

Black la­dy with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y’all are not fit­ting in­to this car. Stop pushin’ up on my ba­by. Y’all need to back that shit up now. (ba­by starts cry­ing) What do you want? What do you want? Are you hav­ing hot flash­es? Cause I know I am. Je­sus!

–Down­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Alie

Black woman: Of all his baby­ma­mas, why he al­way both­er­ing her? He has all these baby­ma­mas and he’s al­ways bug­ging her. She must still be puttin’ out.

–34th & Broad­way

Very young preg­nant woman pur­chas­ing cig­a­rettes on: What the hell kind of dif­fer­ence does what you eat have on what kind of ba­by you have?

–Nos­trand & Dean, Crown Heights

Over­heard by: Siob­han

Reach Out & Touch Wedne­day One-lin­ers

Teen girl on cell: …Can you be­lieve he want­ed me to stick my hand in there and touch it?…Yeah, I did it…Oh, it was huge! He said it was re­al­ly big, but damn! And it’s long, too!…Uh, the head is an
av­er­age size, I guess…I like how it feels…Okay, why is the spot­light on me?…Different peo­ple are giv­ing me that “what the fuck” look…Oh, shit! Ha, ha, ha! You’re right. Hold on…Chill, every­one! I’m talk­ing about my boyfriend’s pet snake, not his
penis…Okay, con­tin­ue.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Ful­ton Mall

Over­heard by: Shan­ny O.