Archive for the ‘Smegma’ Category

The Lost Friends Episode

Chick #1: What’s that? ‘Smeg­ma’? That’s not a word.
Guy #1: Of course it’s a word.
Chick #1: Bull­shit. What does it mean?
Guy #1: Haven’t you ever heard of dick cheese?
Chick #1: Get the fuck out of here.
Chick #2: It’s crud that grows un­der men’s fore­skins.
Guy #2: You must date all Jew­ish guys.
Chick #2: Or Mus­lims.
Chick #1: I have no idea what you’re talk­ing about.
Guy #1: Don’t you in­spect a cock be­fore you put it in your mouth?
Chick #1: I don’t put cocks in my mouth.
Guy #2: Which ex­plains why she’s here play­ing Scrab­ble on a Sat­ur­day night.
Guy #1: You don’t give blow jobs? Hon­est­ly?
Chick #1: No.
Guy #2: Why not? You’re an at­trac­tive adult woman.
Chick #1: I think it’s gross.
Guy #1: Maybe she tried it once and the guy had smeg­ma.
Chick #2, tak­ing hand of Chick #1: Come with me and I’ll ex­plain. [They leave the room, and Chick #2 comes back alone min­utes lat­er] Let’s go. She does­n’t feel like play­ing any more.
Guy #2: First no blow jobs, now no Scrab­ble. She’s re­al­ly paint­ing her­self in­to a cor­ner.
Guy #1: Be­fore we get lost in all these oth­er is­sues, I get 42 points for ‘smeg­ma.’

–Scrab­ble par­ty, 34th & 2nd

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Yes, It Was a Sex Thing.

An­noy­ing tween: Oh my god, my dad made me use this, like, Sa­lon brand sham­poo. Oh my god, look at this vol­ume! There’s noth­ing! (two friends nod) And, guess what? It al­so smells like lla­ma spit! (two friends look con­fused) You want to know how I know what lla­ma spit smells like? My dad once got spat on in the face by a lla­ma!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Lily

The Au Jus Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

11 year-old boy throw­ing wa­ter bal­loon back and forth: It’s like a hy­men, per­fect­ly in­tact af­ter a mi­nor rape! (bal­loon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hy­men juices!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to an­oth­er: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not go­ing to ejac­u­late! (re­peats it over and over)

–D Train

Over­heard by: seat chang­er

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty peo­ple suck.

–W 23rd Street

Over­heard by: Cool and Dry

Lit­tle girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m drip­ping cum!

–Hes­ter & Allen

Over­heard by: low­er east side

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Feel Like a Woman or What­ev­er

Asian girl: A tran­ny spat and peed on me last night… so I guess I’m okay.

–Scream­ing MiM­i’s Bou­tique

Over­heard by: Nan­cy

Gay guy, af­ter woman bumps in­to him: Did you just step on my vagi­na?

–A Train

Col­lege boy: So then I woke up and re­al­ized I was next to a tran­ny…

–Man­hat­tan Col­lege

“Girl” sit­ting at the door: My panties are too small to hold my dick in.

–Williams­burg

Catholic school girl, car­ry­ing large back­pack, to friend: I’m look­ing for­ward to leav­ing this bath­room a guy. A very ef­fem­i­nate guy, but still a guy.

–Bath­room, Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: In­no­cent Bath­room-go­er

Not An­oth­er Teen Wednes­day One-Lin­er

High school girl: She banged some dude with no con­dom dur­ing her pe­ri­od, then she blew an­oth­er guy af­ter the bas­ket­ball game.

–Pan­era, Queens

Over­heard by: NBG1

Teen: My health teacher al­ways yells at me for be­ing late. Should­n’t she be, like, sus­tain­ing my self-es­teem?

–Green Ap­ple Cafe

Over­heard by: Julie

Hip­pie teenag­er leav­ing bath­room: When I see you all lat­er, I will not have any idea who the hell you are!

–Nokia The­ater, Times Square

Over­heard by: dan

Teenage girl to cute guy, af­ter spit­ting on door win­dow: I have a bad habit of spit­tin’.

–E Train

Over­heard by: Mrs­Ball

Teenag­er to cry­ing lit­tle broth­er: Shut up! Stop it or I’ll take away your Sham­Wow!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: JYC

Teenage boy on cell: I won’t cock-block! (pause) I won’t cock-block!

–E 77th St & 1st Ave

Over­heard by: Steve G