Archive for the ‘Smoking’ Category

If My Heart Made Blood I Would­n’t Need to Buy Pup­pies

Store guy: You know, I used to smoke 2–3 packs a day. It’s re­al­ly not good for you.
Dude: Are you gonna give me a dis­count on Nicorette, then?
Store guy: We don’t have it…but you don’t need that stuff any­way. It does­n’t work. All you re­al­ly need is your–

He taps his hand on his chest.

Dude: If my heart made nico­tine I would­n’t need to buy cig­a­rettes.

–Du­ane Reade, 49th & 9th

Over­heard by: Katie

Tell You What. You Can Do It In­side If You Seal Your­self in a Plas­tic Bag

Catholic school girl #1: This is to­tal­ly a third per­son sit­u­a­tion right now, but I re­al­ly think that some peo­ple are dis­crim­i­na­to­ry against smok­ers. I mean, we re­al­ly should­n’t have go out­side to smoke. What, are you go­ing to ask a girl with Touret­te’s to go spaz out­side?
Catholic school girl #2: Did you ac­tu­al­ly just com­pare smok­ing to Tourette Syn­drome?

–Con­vent of the Sa­cred Heart

Over­heard by: Over­achiev­er catholic school girl

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call the Hot­line Every Week

Teen girl, de­spair­ing­ly: If they ever find out a way to bring peo­ple back to life, I’m go­ing to kill my­self!

–14th St Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: yonc­to

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stu­pid things about how you want to stab your­self in the heart. It’s in­con­sid­er­ate.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Hip­ster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was go­ing to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a build­ing.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with al­co­hol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just sui­cide.

–El­e­va­tor, Saks Fifth Ave

Old wait­ress: Were you here the time Jim­my cru­ci­fied him­self?

–Man­hat­tan Restau­rant, Green­point

Over­heard by: chris

Dis­grun­tled Lati­na to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill your­self, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz