Archive for the ‘Smoking’ Category

Tell You What. You Can Do It In­side If You Seal Your­self in a Plas­tic Bag

Catholic school girl #1: This is to­tal­ly a third per­son sit­u­a­tion right now, but I re­al­ly think that some peo­ple are dis­crim­i­na­to­ry against smok­ers. I mean, we re­al­ly should­n’t have go out­side to smoke. What, are you go­ing to ask a girl with Touret­te’s to go spaz out­side?
Catholic school girl #2: Did you ac­tu­al­ly just com­pare smok­ing to Tourette Syn­drome?

–Con­vent of the Sa­cred Heart

Over­heard by: Over­achiev­er catholic school girl

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call the Hot­line Every Week

Teen girl, de­spair­ing­ly: If they ever find out a way to bring peo­ple back to life, I’m go­ing to kill my­self!

–14th St Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: yonc­to

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stu­pid things about how you want to stab your­self in the heart. It’s in­con­sid­er­ate.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Hip­ster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was go­ing to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a build­ing.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with al­co­hol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just sui­cide.

–El­e­va­tor, Saks Fifth Ave

Old wait­ress: Were you here the time Jim­my cru­ci­fied him­self?

–Man­hat­tan Restau­rant, Green­point

Over­heard by: chris

Dis­grun­tled Lati­na to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill your­self, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Clean Every­thing Up Be­fore Their Par­ents Get Back

Black woman in trashy out­fit: And he said “But the par­ty just start­ed, bitch, I’ll take you in a few hours!” and I was like, “Nig­ga please! My wa­ter just broke!”

–Low­er East Side

Asian bim­bo on cell: I just spoke to Per­cy and al­leged­ly they threw a par­ty af­ter we were fired, to cel­e­brate us get­ting fired…but we’re peo­ple too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Over­heard by: must not have liked you

Hip­ster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the co­bra snake at a par­ty, with a cig in my hand and Paul* be­tween my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Over­heard by: Dayn

Tat­tooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I’m bring­ing a 250-foot Slip ‘N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Over­heard by: can I come to that par­ty?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why did­n’t you in­vite to your par­ty? Damn…c’mon! Re­mem­ber that time the chick in a wheel­chair was work­ing us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheel­chair! Re­mem­ber we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That’s right–that was me! She was giv­ing us both head.

–BBQ Re­stroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-some­thing woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a hand­job?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: Jazz

A Car­ton of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: I’m get­ting on the train now, so I’ll be there soon. Just wait for me on the cor­ner and smoke some­thing.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: De­von

Smok­er chick: I lose lighters like I lose men.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: RENT­head

Nerd: I don’t even like smok­ing. I just like feel­ing like an ar­ro­gant jerk.

–LIRR to Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Heather Ba­harestani

Man to friends: I mean, I don’t know about him. He does­n’t play sports, he does­n’t drink, smoke or do drugs… What kind of a life is that?

–Man­hat­tan-bound M train

Over­heard by: amazed

Hip­ster: The Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty would be so much cool­er if she had a cig­a­rette.

–D train

Over­heard by: di­ano­ra

Some Half-Baked Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b‑o-n‑g.

–19th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Kyle

Man in light green suit with or­ange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don’t smoke that Scoo­by Doo­bie Doo. Don’t get high tonight!

–125th & Lenox

Over­heard by: Plau­si­ble

Young hip­ster: So I said, “Mom, did you smoke with me?”

–Cen­tral Park Reser­voir

An­gry girl­friend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don’t want me smok­ing pot, you don’t want me smok­ing cig­a­rettes or cloves, you don’t want me chew­ing gum and now you don’t like lol­lipops? So tell me, Pe­ter, what can I put in my mouth that’s okay with you?

–L Train

Over­heard by: It’s me, bitch­es.

Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot deal­er, be­cause the stuff you’re smok­ing is re­al­ly good.

–Coop­er Union

Over­heard by: me too

Guy talk­ing on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 min­utes. (pause) Yeah, I’m se­ri­ous! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don’t you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it un­til you can’t see any­more and then I’ll be there. Al­right? Bye.

–8th Ave & 27th St

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca Fried­man

Girl: I mean hon­est­ly, who at NYU does­n’t smell like weed?

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

One-Lin­ers Are All Wednes­day Can Af­ford

11-year-old girl: Yo mam­ma’s broke cuz she spend all her mon­ey on rhine­stones and cig­a­rttes!

–River­side Branch Li­brary

Over­heard by: al­ways lis­ten­ing

Po­lite la­dy: Go straight down that way and cut through the projects–don’t wor­ry, they’re mixed income–and you’ll see it when you come out on A.

–1st Ave & 5th St.

Over­heard by: Mrqs

Old la­dy wait­ing for the bath­room: How long do peo­ple stay in toi­lets? Je­sus! It’s a pub­lic toi­let! There are all these peo­ple from the streets that come in, and they al­ways pee on the floor. Well, that’s what hap­pens when you’re poor.

–NY Pub­lic Li­brary

Over­heard by: Av­ery

Home­girl to friend: So she was like “oh, my name’s Di­a­mond. And this is my sis­ter, her name’s Ru­by. Our dad­dy named us af­ter stuff he can’t af­ford.” I was like, shit, if that was the case, my dad­dy woul­da call us “lights” and “gas.”

–Prospect Park

Nerdish teen: What the hell was a war­lock do­ing in a dun­geon when he had no mon­ey?

–C Train

Over­heard by: An­drew