Archive for the ‘Soho’ Category

Al­ice: I Could Go for Some Dwarfs

Hus­band: Geez! Alls you do is sit on your ass and play with the kids.
Wife: I’m sor­ry I am not Car­ol-freak­ing-Brady! We have six fuck­ing kids and I still have no Al­ice! Give me a break and cook din­ner your-fuck­ing-self! The kids are eat­ing PB&J — end of dis­cus­sion.
Hus­band: The Brady Bunch was for me like Snow White was for you.
Wife: But the dwarfs here don’t whis­tle while they work. I still want Al­ice!
Hus­band: You al­ways get the last word. I can’t top that! Dammit!

–So­ho

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Next Stop Is Meth

Man shout­ing to woman near­by: Yo! You bet­ter hur­ry up. I got you a ride. I’m go­ing straight to the bridge, and I ain’t stop­ping for no crack!

–Am­s­ter­dam Ave & 92nd St.

Over­heard by: Dana

Girl in dress to friends: And that was the first time I sucked dick for crack…

–10th St & Ave A

Man to an­oth­er as he walks away: Don’t spend it all in one crack­house.

–So­Ho

Woman, yelling at man twen­ty feet ahead: Hey! Don’t walk away from me. At least you got crack yes­ter­day!

–Broad­way & 96th St

Tell That to Sarah Jes­si­ca Park­er

Dude #1: So I’m to­tal­ly fight­ing with Mark–
Dude #2: You mean phys­i­cal­ly fight­ing, or meta­phys­i­cal­ly fight­ing?
Dude #1: Meta­phys­i­cal­ly. But does it make a dif­fer­ence?
Dude #2: Well, dude, you can’t get punched in the face, meta­phys­i­cal­ly.

–West 3rd & Mer­cer

Over­heard by: Dev Nille

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hang Weird Shit on Their Mir­rors

Cab dri­ver, get­ting cut off: Yeah, dri­ve like you want that cheese­burg­er!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Cab­bie: I got in some trou­ble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I nev­er re­al­ized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets bet­ter than my own clos­et! (laughs)

–Cab, Broad­way & Hous­ton

Cab dri­ver to col­league who just honked af­ter he stopped for a pedes­tri­an: What, you want me to kill him?

–Bat­tery Park

Mid­dle East­ern cab dri­ver: I used to have a video store in Wash­ing­ton Heights. But the black bas­tard put me out of busi­ness! Can you be­lieve it? Af­ter ten years the black bas­tard put me out of busi­ness! Do you now the black bas­tard on Dy­ck­man? C’­mon! Every­body knows the back bas­tard! Black bas­tard! Black bas­tard video!

–Cab, Wash­ing­ton Heights

Over­heard by: Gene Gray

Cab dri­ver: When you dri­ve for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of dri­vers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Over­heard by: Fi­as­co