College girl #1: I can't believe you don't know Allison, she's infamous!
College girl #2: Well, Jesse James is infamous but I don't know him either.
College girl #1: Jesse James is dead. Allison is the mega-slut on our floor!
–Barnard College
Overheard by: even i know her
Drunk-looking girl on cell: … And I just received a postcard of butts! Things are looking up!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Ladle
Angry soccer mom: Whoever has his or her hand on my ass, you better be one of my kids.
–Staten Island Ferry
Chick on cell: Ew! Ass striations?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
College girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Needless to say, my ass cleared every surface he had in that room. Twice.
–Downtown B Train
Overheard by: Pola
Tall guy on cell: Listen, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you gotta do is pull out a camera. They drop their panties in a second, at least that’s what I tell the committee.
–Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Conductor over loudspeaker: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ mama’s ass!
–F Train from Queens
Overheard by: Tina K
College girl #1: That guy is so awkward.
College girl #2: Yeah, and I think he lies a lot. Like, one time I asked him if he was a virgin or not, and he said: “I’m not sure, because the girl didn’t bleed.”
College girl #1: Yeah… Wait, what?
–A Train
Overheard by: Lizzie
Sorority girl tourist #1, about photo of guy on camera phone: Look at this gluteus maximus.
Sorority girl tourist #2: Oooh, nice gluteus maximus. Hey, what’s with all the weird body part names, anyway? Gluteus maximus…
Sorority girl tourist #1: Vulva…
–34th & 8th
Overheard by: Dolores!
College bro: No, you don't understand. Thinking about the processes of government turns me on.
College chick: Really?
College bro: For serious. I think about dick Cheney and I get hard. I would vote for him and give up my right to vote if he could be supreme dictator.
–Hunter College
Overheard by: theclanmacgregor
Guy #1: Okay…Wow…This one time in Madison I was so drunk…I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That’s all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison–I pulled my groin muscle there–then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn’t walk.
Guy #2: What…the fuck…?
–B1 bus
Overheard by: Justin Fores
Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is?
–5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope
Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now.
–Parking Lot, Broadway Mall
Overheard by: Lysa
Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it.
–Cardozo Law School
Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda?
–NYU Dining Hall
Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Who'd have thought?
Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.
–Penn Station
Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray.
–LaGuardia Airport
Sorority girl #1: How are things going with him?
Sorority girl #2: Okay, I guess. I mean, his favorite band is the Smiths, so I’m like “you need to get out of 1999, dude.”
–Blue Ribbon bakery, Downing Street
Overheard by: Adam Graham
Obnoxious NYU girl to friends: Ew! He passed and was like “damn, look at that ass on that white girl!”
Ghetto man, passing by: Psh–what ass?
–Union Square
High school girl #1: Yeah, she really needs to take better care of herself!
High school girl #2: Well, not anymore. She's dead.
High school girl #1: Well, she should have.
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Christiana Little