Archive for the ‘Southerners’ Category

But I Al­so Like Clean­ing and Suck­ing Cock!

Hot south­ern girl #1: So, be­fore I came up here my mom is like, “Be very care­ful around those north­ern boys, they think all south­ern girls just love to cook and fuck.“
Hot south­ern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you se­ri­ous? They think that? That’s so messed up!
Hot south­ern girl #1: I know!
Hot south­ern girl #2: But I re­al­ly do love to cook… And fuck.
Hot south­ern girl #1: I know… Me too.

–Union Square Cafe

Over­heard by: Mov­ing South

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Like Their Women Like They Like Their Cof­fee: Hot, and with a Spoon in Them.

Hip­ster on cell: Dude, yeah, cof­fee gives me the shits too; but I’d rather have the shits than no cof­fee.

–Dunkin’ Donuts

Over­heard by: Mada­lyn

Po­et, sell­ing self-pub­lished book on train: We’re like Star­bucks cof­fee and bis­cot­ti; you’re tall and hot and I’m hard and nut­ty.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Marc

Lit­tle girl to moth­er: It’s like every sin­gle per­son in the whole wide world came to Star­bucks and we were the veeeer­rrrryyy last ones.

–Star­bucks

Colonel Sanders-look­ing man, in strong South­ern ac­cent: I want some­thin cold… Whadya git?

–Star­bucks

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Di­ane Keaton

Straight guy in hot pink un­der­wear: Yeah, I’ve fall­en asleep in deer stands, and all kinds of weird places.

–Gold’s Gym, 54th St

Over­heard by: John­ny V

Girl on cell: His hair is wiry and weird. He had a par­ty and sold raf­fle tick­ets, the win­ner got to restyle his hair. He’s weird.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: whirlygirlie518

White teen girl to friends: No, no, no! I told you guys, if I mar­ry a Japan­ese, then there’s all that weird sex stuff. I’m mar­ry­ing Ko­re­an. They’re adorable, and don’t have that weird com­mu­nism thing the Chi­nese do.

–Chi­na­town

Girl from Nashville on cell: They serve like weird pas­ta here with weird veg­eta­bles and weird meat. My fa­vorite meal here is break­fast. I am so ready to go home!

–La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: D‑Law

There’s Very Lit­tle Sleep­ing Go­ing On

Al­aba­man tourist: Do the trains run all night?
NY-er: Yes, they nev­er close.
Al­aba­man tourist: Well, that’s good. We want­ed to make sure we could get back from Times Square.
NY-er: Well, by New York stan­dards it’s still ear­ly. It is on­ly 9:30.
Al­aba­man tourist: Yeah, from where we’re from it’s late. We sleep with the roost­ers… Well, not lit­er­al­ly.

–1/2/3 sta­tion, 72nd St

Over­heard by: Deb­bie

Blow It Out Your Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks odd­ly: Lis­ten girl, I fart­ed so hard yes­ter­day I blast­ed half my ass off. (pause) No, se­ri­ous­ly! I am still walk­ing fun­ny!

–24th St b/w 6th & 7th

Over­heard by: Joseph

Teenage boy to an­oth­er: One time this hot bitch fart­ed on my lap, and I did­n’t know what to do.

–12th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Place

Crazy hobo sit­ting on blan­ket: I used to wear un­der­wear, but then I fart­ed and left a stain, so de­cid­ed no more. Can any­one spare any change?

–87th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ny­nan­ny

Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I’m a South­ern girl. I fart craw­fish.

–McLean Ave, Yonkers

Woman on phone: Well, the ro­mance is out of my life: this morn­ing Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and fart­ed.

–Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: craig hunter

I Like to Braid It Us­ing On­ly My Tongue

Woman with strong South­ern ac­cent: I am gonna have her bach­e­lorette par­ty in my apart­ment next week­end.
Hus­band: (nods)
Woman: But the god­damn strip­per won’t re­turn my phone calls.
(wait­ress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Wait­ress: Tequi­la, on us.
Woman: This’ll put hair on my boo­bies.
Hus­band’s friends: That’s just how he likes it.
Hus­band: (nods)

–Broth­er Jim­my’s BBQ, Up­per West Side

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist back­pack­er with hands on sub­way doors: Do these open on their own?

–1 Train

Tourist mom to un­cool son: Well, that’s what you get for try­ing to be a hip­ster!

–Union Square Park

Over­heard by: j

Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Gar­den! It’s huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a pic­ture of the restau­rant)

–Times Square

Obese Mid­west­ern woman to obese Mid­west­ern man: Oooh, Ap­ple­bee’s… Now I feel at home here!

–Times Square

South­ern tourist guy: I thought peo­ple in Green­wich Vil­lage would look stranger.

–Bleeck­er Street

Tourist from west coast, af­ter ob­serv­ing the lo­cals for a few in­nings: You know, Se­in­feld makes so much more sense to me now.

–Cheap Seats, Coney Is­land Cy­clones

Over­heard by: Kevin Eliasen