Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Sto­ry)

Man: Why’d you read all my email?
Woman: I on­ly did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You men­tioned whether I wrote to Bar­ry about that girl from Cana­da out of the blue, where’d that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It’s against the law. You vi­o­lat­ed me. I’d nev­er do that to you.
Woman: You’d do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don’t get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: “I liked the way you touched me af­ter yo­ga class–”
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It’s not fun­ny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: Jan­u­ary. What is that? You want to screw oth­er peo­ple? Why is that?
Man: Laina…it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? “I love the way your long hair shakes down on­to my chest. I will have to re­pay you soon.”
Man: I did­n’t pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks lat­er you went with me and my fam­i­ly to the Vine­yard.
Man: You have every right to be up­set. It was once, hon­ey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don’t joke like this with some­one you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I did­n’t fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You’re sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You’re just sick!

–Cafe Pick Me Up, Av­enue A

Over­heard by: Gideon Wal­lace

But I Did­n’t Even Get to De­scribe the Size and Tex­ture

Col­lege guy #1: I’ve been work­ing hard to lose weight this year.
Col­lege guy #2: I can cer­tain­ly see the change in your face.
Col­lege guy #1: Yeah, I’ve been crap­ping a lot late­ly.
(col­lege guy #2 is silent)
Col­lege guy #1: I mean I’ve been dump­ing a whole lot.
Col­lege guy #2: Okay, that’s enough.

–Gym, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Ooo, What About Ice Princess?

Teen #1: What do you think is like the best sports movie ever?
Teen #2: I think The Green Mile.
Teen #3: That ain’t no sports movie, man!
Teen #2: He was run­nin’!
Teen #1: I like Rudy.
Teen #2: Naw man, Rudy was a fuckin’ bench­warmer.
Teen #3: Naw, Rudy is all about how the lit­tle guy can per­se­vere.
Teen #1: I cried at Rudy.
Teen #3, touch­ing his heart: Yeah, man, Rudy hurts.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Bren­da

The Dark­er Side of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Woman: You need to swim as much as pos­si­ble to keep the evil away.

–River­bank State Park

Guy: Don’t they have a spe­cial sec­tion for peo­ple in jail?

–Hall­mark, 23rd Street

Over­heard by: nj

Grand­fa­ther: If you don’t lis­ten, I’m nev­er tak­ing you any­place else dan­ger­ous again.

–Belvedere Cas­tle

Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I de­cid­ed it’s not okay for my kids to play with firearms any­more.

–4 train

Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.

–85th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri

Guy on cell: How should I know who’s go­ing to be there?…Why do you care who’s go­ing to be there? It’s a fu­ner­al, not a fuck­ing so­cial event.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Cia­ran

Woman on cell: Dude, I have a sha­gadel­ic au­ra, be­cause they fucked all night when they were here. That’s why I sold them.

–Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Se­le­nay

Suit: Man, I was up­state last week, fuck that clean air shit.

–62nd & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Tabitha

Guy: We’re all Cannabis. We get the chance, we’ll eat each oth­er.

–Ku­do Beans, 1st Av­enue

Queer: Oh, I for­got to fuck­ing tell you. I sold my soul for $150.

–Christo­pher Street

Test­ing, Wednes­day One, Two, Three-Lin­ers

Prin­ci­pal, over PA sys­tem: At­ten­tion: We are test­ing out the PA sys­tem. If you don’t hear this, please call the of­fice.

–Pub­lic School

An­nounc­er on 6 train (which was be­ing held at the sta­tion): At­ten­tion ladies and gen­tle­men. (pause) Does this thing even work?

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Your Mom

Cop, over mega­phone from pa­trol car: At­ten­tion peo­ple in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legal­ly or il­le­gal­ly, please, va­cate the area. (a few min­utes lat­er, af­ter dri­ving around the foun­tain) Peo­ple in the foun­tain, don’t think we can’t see you…don’t use stargaz­ing as your ex­cuse be­cause there’s too much light pol­lu­tion!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: In the foun­tain

Con­duc­tor over PA: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. Acts of pugilism are not al­lowed on this train.
(two min­utes lat­er) At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. This is just a re­minder that acts of for­ni­ca­tion or fel­la­tio are not al­lowed on this train.

–Post Mid­night Drunk Train, LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob T Fire­fly

Ner­vous voice on build­ing PA sys­tem: Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Please dis­re­gard this mes­sage.

–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st