Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

The Dark­er Side of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Woman: You need to swim as much as pos­si­ble to keep the evil away.

–River­bank State Park

Guy: Don’t they have a spe­cial sec­tion for peo­ple in jail?

–Hall­mark, 23rd Street

Over­heard by: nj

Grand­fa­ther: If you don’t lis­ten, I’m nev­er tak­ing you any­place else dan­ger­ous again.

–Belvedere Cas­tle

Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I de­cid­ed it’s not okay for my kids to play with firearms any­more.

–4 train

Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.

–85th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri

Guy on cell: How should I know who’s go­ing to be there?…Why do you care who’s go­ing to be there? It’s a fu­ner­al, not a fuck­ing so­cial event.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Cia­ran

Woman on cell: Dude, I have a sha­gadel­ic au­ra, be­cause they fucked all night when they were here. That’s why I sold them.

–Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Se­le­nay

Suit: Man, I was up­state last week, fuck that clean air shit.

–62nd & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Tabitha

Guy: We’re all Cannabis. We get the chance, we’ll eat each oth­er.

–Ku­do Beans, 1st Av­enue

Queer: Oh, I for­got to fuck­ing tell you. I sold my soul for $150.

–Christo­pher Street

Test­ing, Wednes­day One, Two, Three-Lin­ers

Prin­ci­pal, over PA sys­tem: At­ten­tion: We are test­ing out the PA sys­tem. If you don’t hear this, please call the of­fice.

–Pub­lic School

An­nounc­er on 6 train (which was be­ing held at the sta­tion): At­ten­tion ladies and gen­tle­men. (pause) Does this thing even work?

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Your Mom

Cop, over mega­phone from pa­trol car: At­ten­tion peo­ple in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legal­ly or il­le­gal­ly, please, va­cate the area. (a few min­utes lat­er, af­ter dri­ving around the foun­tain) Peo­ple in the foun­tain, don’t think we can’t see you…don’t use stargaz­ing as your ex­cuse be­cause there’s too much light pol­lu­tion!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: In the foun­tain

Con­duc­tor over PA: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. Acts of pugilism are not al­lowed on this train.
(two min­utes lat­er) At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. This is just a re­minder that acts of for­ni­ca­tion or fel­la­tio are not al­lowed on this train.

–Post Mid­night Drunk Train, LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob T Fire­fly

Ner­vous voice on build­ing PA sys­tem: Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Please dis­re­gard this mes­sage.

–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st

Cue Neil Di­a­mond

Cute but in­no­cent 20-some­thing: Guess where I’m go­ing tonight?
Old­er fe­male cowork­er: Oh, is tonight the night you’re go­ing out with the hock­ey team?
Cute but in­no­cent 20-some­thing: Yeah, I won a con­test! I’m go­ing to Pitts­burgh on a bus with the Is­landers.
Male cowork­er: And when you come back, you’ll be a woman.


Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Russ­ian la­dy: She loves to trav­el. Like some peo­ple al­co­holics? She
loves to trav­el.

–Fu­naya­ma, Green­wich Av­enue

Guy on cell: Hey Maria? It’s John…from Biology…Oh, you can’t talk? OK. I love you. Bye.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Eu­ro chick: No sil­ly, Amer­i­can foot­ball is like a girly ver­sion of rug­by, they have rules and pads.

–66th & Lex­ing­ton

Man: Look at all these lit­tle ba­nanas! I don’t want none a these. These lit­tle ba­nanas are for ladies.

–28th & Park fruit stand

Woman: You think that the play­ers look at their butts in the mir­ror to see what we see?

–Yan­kee Sta­di­um bleach­ers

Over­heard by: Aryeh Jasper

Per­haps These Breasts Will An­swer Your Ques­tion

Guy to guy friend: Did you see the Gi­ants game last night?
Girl, in­ter­rupt­ing: I did! I am the biggest Gi­ants fan ever! Like, se­ri­ous­ly.
Guy: You’re wear­ing a Jets jer­sey.
Girl: Ohh, I thought it was Gi­ants, you know, the col­ors some­times get con­fus­ing.
Guy: How do you con­fuse red and blue with green and white?
Girl: Uh­hh…

–F Train

If On­ly He Could See What He Was Say­ing

A blind Black man with a Star of David is hold­ing court.

Black man: The Pope is a fag­got. They mo­lest­ed my kids. I want to go to church, but I can’t be­cause they mo­lest­ed my kids…now all White peo­ple are fag­gots.
His­pan­ic guy #1: How come they have kids?
Black man: Si­lence, you will wait un­til I have fin­ished speaking…can’t no one hit the ball like Hank Aaron. That’s why we all in prison and they try­ing to kill us, but we will kill them. Can’t no­body sing like Luther Van­dross.
His­pan­ic guy #1: But–
Black man: Wait un­til I have finished…now the His­pan­ic peo­ple, like Do­mini­cans and Cubans are al­so the true Jews, and the lost tribes of Israel…now you may ad­dress me.
His­pan­ic guy #2: What about Black Puer­to Ri­cans, are they from the lost tribe?
Black man: I can’t stand Black Puer­to Ri­cans!

–West Farms bus stop, The Bronx