Archive for the ‘Stab’ Category

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

A Mis­un­der­stand­ing Re­gard­ing Whether Her Man Should Con­tin­ue Breath­ing

Woman: This is the sec­ond time I been to New York, though, ’cause last time my girl was like, “Do you like the nightlife?” and I said, “Yeah,” and she was like, “Then you got­ta get to the city, bitch,” and I got ar­rest­ed for smok­ing a blunt on some­one’s brown­stone.
Man: That’s ter­ri­ble.
Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the sec­ond time I got ar­rest­ed, you know, so it was like no big deal.
Man: What hap­pened the first time?
Girl: Oh, that was just a mis­un­der­stand­ing. I was like 14, and I was wit’ ma man, and we was hav­ing words–like, we was hav­ing a disagreement–and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a mis­un­der­stand­ing.

–Chi­na­town bus

Over­heard by: Fung Wah­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call the Hot­line Every Week

Teen girl, de­spair­ing­ly: If they ever find out a way to bring peo­ple back to life, I’m go­ing to kill my­self!

–14th St Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: yonc­to

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stu­pid things about how you want to stab your­self in the heart. It’s in­con­sid­er­ate.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Hip­ster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was go­ing to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a build­ing.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with al­co­hol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just sui­cide.

–El­e­va­tor, Saks Fifth Ave

Old wait­ress: Were you here the time Jim­my cru­ci­fied him­self?

–Man­hat­tan Restau­rant, Green­point

Over­heard by: chris

Dis­grun­tled Lati­na to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill your­self, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

I’m Too Sexy for My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers.

Co­me­di­an guy with fly­er: Girl, you have some sexy nos­trils!

–Broad­way

Gay man to an­oth­er: Next Hal­loween I am go­ing to be a sexy tub of lard.

–Broad­way & Spring

20-some­thing hot girl on cell: So, like, Kristin was sup­posed to go as a wa­ter-board­ing tor­ture vic­tim, which is hi­lar­i­ous, but then, she like, um, shows up as a *sexy* wa­ter-board­ing tor­ture vic­tim, which is bet­ter than be­ing, like, all gross and frumpy. But come on… that’s not fun­ny.

–Q Train

Creepy old man: When I was was a kid… Coney Is­land was hot! I mean “sexy.” I mean it was… Bam!

–Nep­tune Ave

Over­heard by: tay­lor

Girl on cell: It’s re­al­ly not like a sexy stab­bing.

–Cen­tre St

Wednes­days Strap on Their One-Lin­ers

Woman walk­ing in­to apart­ment build­ing: Why did I get stuck car­ry­ing the bag of butt plugs?

–Green­point Ave

Hot girl on cell: You won’t die if you get stabbed by a dil­do. (pause) Well, even if it was a hook­er. What did you drink?

–Cook St & Bush­wick Ave

Over­heard by: cameo

Homie on Black­Ber­ry; No, no, peep this, I said “cock ring” and she says, “like the guy from the OJ tri­al?” I’m dead se­ri­ous!

–Rock­afeller Plaza

At­trac­tive 20-some­thing to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!

–Pil­low Fight, Union Square

Over­heard by: An­na P.

Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wood­en dil­do. It was wood­en!

–37th St & 8th Ave

20-some­thing girl: This is the most ex­cit­ing thing to hap­pen to­day! And that’s say­ing some­thing, con­sid­er­ing to­day was a day that in­clud­ed buy­ing sex toys!

–Top­shop